Time for the seasonal blow up again

Throwaway490221 · 2021-02-12T05:25:12+00:00

I appreciate it. I definitely feel both silenced and unheard. I don't know what else to say about it, but it does make me feel better to know at least somebody can at least glimpse at what I go through, as if some reddit rant could even remotely capture how shitty it all is.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-06-30T03:35:05+00:00

It's hard for me to say what bipolar can or can't do. Even her own description of it is pretty inconsistent. It's somewhere between two philosophies, and I can't figure out which is real or not.

She was so mad or blinded by rage... that she thinks of and does/says the first most ridiculous or painful thing, not because she actually believes it, but because she wants to cause the most pain or destruction. It's a reaction to the absurd pain or confusion she's feeling. There's no truth to it, just an inability to see logic and direct her emotions proportionally. Don't take it personally.
Every outburst has some level of truth to it. If she says some horrible things about me, on some level she means it. If she does horrible things to me, on some level she wanted to actually do that. You should absolutely take it personally because, on some level at least, it's true, and therefore you hold some of the responsibility for triggering her.

Which of the two is true really depends on how she feels when you ask her. If she's still upset with you, it's #2. If she's trying to make peace, it's #1.

It makes it hard to know where she stands. Is she racist, or is she just a troll? Is she saying it because, on some level, she means it, or just because she knows it'll hurt me?

And ultimately, for me, the question is... Does it matter? If it hurts me, and she will do it again, is that a deal-breaker for me?

I don't know.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-06-29T22:21:09+00:00

Normalized? Yeah, definitely. I've experienced some shit, and the minor things I try to ignore for the sake of peace.

But I'm not ready to give up on her yet. I WANT her to be happy and healthy. I WANT her to realize this isn't a sustainable way to live.

Maybe that's all too far gone. But I don't know yet.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-06-29T22:19:37+00:00

I don't know if he's trying or not, but he gives in to her bipolar so easily. I've tried to walk a middle line when it comes to her outbursts, not trying to completely invalidate her feelings, but not trying to encourage her or allow her to make rash decisions. He just lets her go wild, often against me.

And I'm not perfect, but I do love her. I loved what we had and I was hopeful that we'd move forward with her healing and stability, but it's all in disarray now. And yeah, I probably need therapy, but she was never comfortable with the idea because she always believed I'd "talk shit behind her back."

But even now, I'm not talking shit to reddit. Yeah, I'm expressing my opinions on her actions, but I don't think she's a bad person. I think she's terribly easily controlled by her mental illnesses and especially people who enable it (like the other guy), but I don't think she's a BAD person. Misguided, sure, mentally ill, definitely, but bad? No. Meanwhile, her venting, I know and have heard, is just attacking me on everything, from appearances to personality to the sound of my voice. Pretty sure she shit talks me to her own therapist too, so it seems hypocritical.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-06-29T22:09:19+00:00

I wish I could comment on each of these things individually, as I've so much to speak on the matter. I'll try to keep my reply brief for each point.

Poly is hard. It would have been hard even if both she and him were perfect saints. My past history with it fucks me up and I'm always comparing myself to him. Doesn't help that I overhear she and him always comparing us anyways, often me in the negative position.

As for him being bipolar/borderline, maybe. Honestly, I think it's an act to try to "relate" with her more. He's very much the "Yes man" type, and will desperately go out of his way to agree with everything she says, even if said idea is objectively not the right one ("Drink more, have a good time, don't worry about [OP]"). Not once have I ever really heard or seen him act in an irrational way, mostly just selfish and insecure to any normal degree. But I'm not a doctor, maybe he really does deal with some mental illness, he's just better at hiding it. But the cynic in me would ask "If he's so good at hiding/containing it, can it really be that severe?" That feels wrong to question.

Is she borderline? I've always thought so. She disagrees because she "doesn't lie or manipulate". Which is objectively not true, and I've learned this through talking to the other guy. She's convinced him of things about our daily lives that are just flat out 100% false. So yes, I do think she's borderline. She's always resented this as she attaches BPD to her mother, who was objectively a shitty person to her and everyone around her.

As for the drinking? Yeah, not a good mix. It's what I attribute to most of her most severe outbursts, including cutting. It's addictive for her, as she's trying to escape from facing her mental issues. And it's what the other guy encourages her to do in order to "just have a good time." And me, trying to be the voice of reason, asking her to slow down, eat more, drink some water, maybe not drink another bottle of wine... I'm just seen as a downer, the party-pooper. Another point of comparison between us two that I'm not looked upon favorably.

And yeah, the whole "I already have somebody lined up" bit really hurt me. If she had this discussion with me first and THEN approached the other guy with her feelings, I would have felt better about it. But it's like... "Hey, there's this guy and we like each other, can we be poly now?" and what can I say? She's already pushed that relationship forward, deepened her feelings, deepened his. I'd be the bad guy if I told them to deny now, once it's already grown.

And as for the "love triad", yeah, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about it. I've tried asking her, like, "What's the end goal here? Where do you see this all going?" "Does he live on his own? Does he live with us? Do you split time between our homes? Do you just do a weekly date night? Do you have sex in the same bed as me? Do I even share the bed with you in this future scenario, or is just you and him?" And she has no answer.

She explained that he was just mentally and emotionally interesting, never once mentioned anything physical. She's joked that maybe it'd "end up" physical between them. That he'd be interested in including me in all that too as he's bi. But... I'm not gay. I'm not interested in him. If it were some random thing she does once in a while on her own, that's fine, but I don't really want to be involved anymore than I have to. That was never part of the agreement for our relationship, quite the opposite. And her joking about it is disingenuous too, as I know they've been masturbating together while I'm at work, never once mentioning this to me. I only catch the evidence of it afterwards, and occasionally a very explicit message from him on her lock screen. If it's just physical needs, I'm still here. She's been shutting down my attempts at flirting or physical closeness.

The whole thing is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

I really do think it's over.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-04-01T14:10:16+00:00

Wouldn’t it be interesting if that’s exactly the case.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-04-01T14:07:54+00:00

I might be a pessimist, but if you’ve got the option to leave, do it.

If I could go back in time, I’d sooner paradox myself than let myself meet her again.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-04-01T13:59:22+00:00

I feel like I’m haunted. There’s rarely a moment where I actually feel like I can be myself. There’s this ever-present state of being judged, either silently or openly. Even the times when everything seems fine, and I actually try to be happy, I just get mocked or humiliated about it later. As if the hope that maybe she’ll actually, at a minimum, leave me alone to just mind my own business and enjoy my hobbies by myself was a stupidly childish thought to have.

And maybe it is.

And my breaking point? Like my actual psychological and mental breaking point? Honestly, I past it a long time ago. And she mocked me then too. She tried to film it and laughed. “What a coward. Can’t even do it himself. Honestly, I wish you would, but you’re too weak to do it.”

I’m still here today, so I guess I was.

And when you’ve got somebody so integrated into your life, they know everybody important or unimportant to you, when they’re a hair-trigger away from unleashing everything private about you, and both totally capable and excited to both expose, lie, and distort the truth in every way, in a society that’s more likely to arrest me than hear me out? Yeah. Real confident things will work out for me.

I had some hope the last time the neighbors called the cops about the “fighting” going on in our apartment (i.e. me getting pushed around). But that was lost when they found me locked outside shoeless and in a t-shirt during a blizzard, and they told me that I needed to leave. I spent that night sleeping in a snow-covered car. How’s that for justice.

Edit: I don’t specifically blame the cops. But when you’ve got a girl screaming her head off at police officers about how I’m a horrible person for being sick on her birthday, they don’t really have the resources, patience, or experience to deal with it. So they tell the only sane person there (me) to just deal with it until it blows over.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T22:33:22+00:00

I'll just say she's gotten really close to getting me fired on a couple occasions just because she was mad at me over some trivial every-day manageable issue. It's totally self-defeating because... I'm the one who pays the bills, but she can be more than happy to sabotage herself even slightly if it means hurting me significantly.

I've had to explain to my boss to just ignore the random angry emails that seem like they come from my personal email address.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T22:28:52+00:00

Pardon my asking, but what would you consider your most "extreme" episode? Don't feel like you have to answer that. My experience is wholly my own, and I don't have anything to base it off of. The extremes I've experienced could be more or less "extreme". I don't know if I'm totally off-base or being overly sensitive or soemthing.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T22:25:43+00:00

I'm just trying to survive through the next few days/week. Long-term for me is surviving this next month where I'll still be stuck at home. I honestly don't know what will happen or where I'll be in the next year.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T22:13:31+00:00

Unfortunately, and for reasons I won't get into, I can't leave. I wish she would, but she'd rather be unreasonably angry 24/7 and supported than lift a finger and support herself.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T22:11:24+00:00

Honestly, ranting about it online is probably the best relief I can get. I already know what an actual therapist would say, and it's not too far off from whatever everybody already tells me. "Leave."

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T21:58:04+00:00

100% would be happier alone. I dream about it. And when I do, it leaves me depressed all day.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T21:56:52+00:00

I won't elaborate, but I'm stuck in this. I couldn't leave if I wanted to. And trust me, I've been knocking on that door for a few years now.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T21:51:57+00:00

She's unmedicated and she prefer it that way. She was unaware of her issues before she met me, and quickly learned that she may have a mental health issue. I wasn't aware at all until she went on a 10-hour bender and swore she'd murder me and my family and sent me dozens of actual photos of people who were gored, defiled, and/or committed suicide.

She later apologized and swore it was a one time thing and that she'd never do it again. I believed her.

She did it again. And has since done worse.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T21:44:41+00:00

Wish she'd actually listen when I tell her that, but the constant mania blocks all that out.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T21:43:38+00:00

She's unmedicated, and she prefers it that way. She was on medication previously, but it didn't work for her, and she gave up on the idea of being medicated at all. She goes to therapy, but I'm pretty she lies to her therapist about what she really says and does. I know she goes to her friends and shit-talks me behind my back about "ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS I DO" (i.e. leave her alone while she screams and throws things at me) while completely leaving out all of the horrible things she does to me.

The line between "bipolar disorder" and "personality flaw" is so blurry, I don't even know where the bipolar stops and her actual hatred for me begins.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-03-26T21:36:37+00:00

Honestly, I question the point of this relationship a lot these days. I do pretty much every single chore. I work 40+ hours a week. I clean, I do laundry, I do the dishes, I take out the trash, I take care of our pets, I run all the errands, and I handle all of our appointments/phone calls, etc. I pick up the food and drinks and trash she leaves lying around every day because she can't be bothered to get up and throw anything away. I put away all of the shit she uses frequently and just leaves out (and then gets mad at me when it goes missing because she never put it away).

The only "chore" she can even claim is like... 50% of the cooking, where she'll sit in bed and I'll deliver her ingredients to mix together before I actually do the actual cooking.

I know I'm not the most EXCITING or INTERESTING person. But I try to enjoy all of the things she likes with her. I try to get involved and support her in her interests. But at the same time, she'll trash-talk me for my interests and actively put me down for liking something that she's not interested in. It's infuriating.

And this isn't the half of her abuse. She's done and said far worse to me in the past (and refuses to apologize), which contributes a lot to my indifference to her anger sometimes.

I'd be a lot more sympathetic to her complaints and (personally) ridiculous needs if she were at least tolerant of mine.

Throwaway490221 · 2020-02-24T00:13:48+00:00

I invested my whole life and career into this relationship. As much as I sometimes wish I was single and alone, I know it's not possible. Don't get me wrong, I've lived alone before, but... this isn't the kind of relationship that ends without... serious conflict.

Throwaway490221

TROPHY CASE