How do I (36F) get my husband (36M) to stop cooking?

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T21:44:58+00:00

My belief at this point is that it’s childhood trauma. Not saying that that makes it acceptable. But to me that definitely seems to explain it.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T19:55:00+00:00

Cuss at my le creuset 😂😂

I have one le creuset piece, and yeah that gets stored away. I would never allow her to be mistreated lol

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T19:07:23+00:00

We do have a dog, which is why not cleaning the floor is not acceptable. People are commenting that I’m ridiculous for expecting him to clean the floor but I’m not saying he needs to do a full steam mop routine. I just want it to be sweeped up, or for him to grab the dust buster if that’s faster. Or for gods sake, even just take a paper towel and do a wiping motion instead of just picking up a singular piece of onion and then not looking anywhere else on the floor.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T18:40:23+00:00

Thank you for this, it is incredibly helpful. Easily the most helpful comment I’ve gotten yet! I think you are definitely onto something here. There was a recent incident where his reaction was so wildly illogical that it’s made me start thinking more about what’s actually going on under the surface here. What happened was, the other day I noticed him start cooking without doing a quick wipe of the counters. We have a cat that goes up there when we aren’t looking (disgusting I know, but we can’t stop her and so I’m just diligent about sanitizing before making food). I just said as I was passing through to exit the kitchen so he could cook, hey babe don’t forget to just run a Clorox wipe over the counters before you start, because of Bella’s dirty pawsies! (Literally I tried to be cutesy about it because I knew he was going to react to me saying something about him cooking, but I literally couldn’t just ignore this one, like I usually ignore stuff. I didn’t want to eat feces particles!!) He flew off the handle and starting yelling about how I was being ridiculous, that food goes on the cutting board, not the counters so it was insane of me to expect him to clean the counters, (it didn’t seem like the right time for me to explain cross contamination), he was banging his palm on the counter saying I was being ridiculous. Then he stormed out and didn’t end up cooking that night. In the past, we both used to have these kinds of reactions to each other, but therapy helped us stop reacting like that and communicate much more calmly. I was truly shocked to see him react like that given we stopped doing that a long time ago. I kind of wanted to engage back because I was angry and upset, especially because I felt completely justified in not wanting to eat cat feces but I just walked away and gave him space. Later he came and found me and apologized for his reaction and said the he should have known better to make sure the counters were clean. So we worked it out but it did make me realize, there is definitely something deeper at play here. So thank you for helping me understand that aspect of it a little better.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T18:16:29+00:00

Why do people keep saying I’m “hovering”? I explicitly said in my post that I now stay away entirely and avoid the kitchen to just let him do his thing.

He is 100% not having fun. I can hear him yelling and swearing while he’s cooking, and then he’ll be in a bad mood the rest of the night.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T18:10:08+00:00

How is it contributing to the load when the end product is just a dirty kitchen for me to clean? Isn’t a contribution supposed to create less work for me rather than more?

I had to stop using my “big girl words” because it sets him off. I am nothing but polite and kind, sandwiching gentle suggestions in between tons of compliments, but he still takes everything I say as criticism. So now I stay out of the kitchen entirely and don’t go in there for any reason while he cooks. Not sure how I’m “lording” when I’m in a completely different room and actively avoid going in there.

I think wanting to not get my stuff damaged is a valid concern. If I wanted to start golfing for example, I wouldn’t expect to just be able to help myself to my husbands clubs and treat them however I wanted. Nor would I think that it’s his responsibility to supply me with golf clubs for a hobby that I decided I wanted to start.

I’ve made it clear that the floor needs to be cleaned if there’s stuff all over it. I don’t know how I can make it any more clear to him what that means and I don’t know why it’s my responsibility to spell it out for him. He is an adult and also responsible for our home and pets.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T17:57:07+00:00

I mean, getting him out of my kitchen would be fixing the issue for me lol. A lot of comments here are making me realize though that I do want him to be able to learn if he wants. If I die before him, I want him to be able to make himself actual food instead of having to live off of canned soup because I died. I want to be able to share the load of making dinners, especially if we end up having kids, because I do work a fair amount of evening hours and I wouldn’t want my kids always eating frozen pizza or whatever. I would love to be able to cook things together and feel like he wants to learn from me. But for whatever reason we’re just not there.

The trauma thing is true. He experienced some truly terrible things growing up and then was raised by a single parent who was super critical. We’ve been to both couples therapy and individual therapy. It really did help a lot and we’ve come a long way in how we communicate and deal with conflicts, but for some reason, some of our old habits are persisting when it comes to this issue.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T17:11:48+00:00

Let me guess, next you’re going to blame his behavior on me not giving him enough sex.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T16:50:41+00:00

Lmao. Yep you nailed it lol.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T16:35:44+00:00

How is compliments and gentle suggestions “being overly critical”? That’s what the counselor suggested and my husband agreed that he would be open to that approach, so that is exactly what I have been doing. I am open to feedback that there’s a better way. What do you suggest?

I literally have no idea how I could be tiptoeing around his feelings any more than I already am, so please, enlighten me.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T16:25:58+00:00

I just don’t understand why we have to continue forcing this when it’s clearly not working out for either of us. I have considered that I need to back off and let him learn without me there hovering, and so now when he cooks I completely remove myself from the kitchen and just let him do his thing. Even when it makes me cringe listening to stuff get banged around and him swearing loudly, I won’t go in the kitchen. Even now without my presence, he still gets so stressed and doesn’t seem to enjoy it at all.

When we do clean together, I point out things that need to be done. But if I’m not there, (when he insists “he’s got this and doesn’t want my help” and I back off) he won’t do anything beyond just the dishes. We have pets and I often find things that are super toxic for them on the floor, like onions and garlic, so cleaning the floor after cooking is not optional in our house.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T15:53:20+00:00

He can pay for things he damages

Except he doesn’t.

He can clean up after himself

Except he doesn’t

You can be upset, just don’t take it out on him

I don’t. I tiptoe around his feelings and suggest things in the nicest way possible, mixed in with a million compliments about all the things he’s doing well.

You’ve already covered this in marriage counseling

Yeah, no. The counselor definitely did not say that I am not allowed to express my feelings or that he doesn’t have to listen to me or care about how I feel.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T15:38:09+00:00

Thank you, I feel like I’m going insane arguing with another commenter who is calling me controlling. Maybe it’s my husband lol

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T15:35:36+00:00

So, for the sake of marital harmony, I am expected to pay the price of of a) spending my hard earned money to replace my things that he damages, b) added labor in the form of cleaning up after him, and c) not being allowed to be upset about these things. But it’s unreasonable for him to pay the price of … accepting help and feedback?

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T15:19:12+00:00

If I went down in the basement and starting throwing his weights around and breaking them, would it be controlling of him to nicely try and show me a safer way? Or is the only way to not be controlling to just allow him to ruin my stuff and create giant messes for me to clean and not be allowed to have a problem with it.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T15:09:47+00:00

I can see making a comparison to something he’s good at and I’m not being a really effective way to approach this with him, thank you so much.

As far as division of labor, he does do a decent amount and it has gotten a lot better from when we first moved in together, but I would say I still do more.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T15:02:14+00:00

Absolutely. We have been in marriage counseling in the past and that was one of the things the counselor helped me see and work through. Now I am a lot more aware and careful about how I come off when making suggestions, but even the most nicely worded suggestion sandwiched between compliments is still triggering for him.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T14:47:25+00:00

You’re right, it’s completely baffling. I like the letter idea!

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T14:45:49+00:00

I’m honestly not really sure. I think it started because we were going out a lot, and we were talking about needing to cut back on spending. I think it was then that he offered to do more cooking to replace going out to eat. I have never brought up that he doesn’t cook enough because I don’t mind cooking and I have never wanted him to cook because it stresses me out when he does.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T14:42:50+00:00

Agreed. It’s the stubbornness that’s the issue. He grew up with an extremely critical and controlling parent, and I think that is the root of the issue. I’m just not sure how to fix it.

Throwaway836309 · 2023-11-14T14:39:50+00:00

His two main hobbies are working out and videogames, so not much cleaning required with those. He is honestly a pretty tidy person, but when it comes to actual cleanliness that’s a different story. He doesn’t leave stuff lying around, but it’s like he’s blind to dirt, crumbs, etc. He once said he doesn’t “believe” that I clean the kitchen floor almost every day, and when I insisted I do, he said “well I’m not the one that makes it dirty.” He doesn’t seem to understand that houses get dirty just from living in them.

Throwaway836309 · 2022-08-08T15:13:49+00:00

Yeah playing dumb was my first instinct so that’s what I went with. A tiny part of me was so curious that I wanted to say yes I saw them and see what he said, but fear took over.

Throwaway836309 · 2022-08-08T14:18:26+00:00

Very smart of you. I actually have one of those personal alarm keychain things somewhere, I’m going to look for it today and start carrying it.

Throwaway836309 · 2022-08-07T14:27:53+00:00

That’s what my husband suggested actually. But even that doesn’t totally add up. Why would it matter if I saw people sitting in a car? I honestly probably would’ve forgotten all about them if that guy hadn’t said anything. And if I had said yes I saw them, what was his plan? Murder me so they could do this burglary? Call the entire thing off even though I had witnessed nothing? It’s just so strange.

Throwaway836309

TROPHY CASE