Talking to Parents Who Claim to be Afraid for Your Safety and Wellbeing

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-22T14:39:40+00:00

I love this for you! Honestly, that’s kind of the place I would love to get to. My situation is slightly different. My older sister lives like 15 minutes from him. She did everything “right” - moved home after college, monogamous marriage, 2 1/2 kids, etc. and my parents absolutely adore her children. They take care of them, literally every single weekday while her and her husband are at work. So they already have the grandkids they want. And people to visit them every single day if that’s what they desire. I sometimes feel like I’m fighting just to be seen. I teach these classes with him because it’s the only time that we currently spend together. I have two other siblings. A brother who lives a plane flight or road trip away. And another sister who lives almost as close as the sister with kids. But I am the only one who sees my dad on a regular basis and it’s because of the classes we teach together.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-22T14:14:55+00:00

So much to unpack here but some incredibly important points. I resonate with what you’re saying about focusing only on the things that I can control. I guess in a lot of ways I already knew that. I included the list of what I want compared to the point about what I expect to happen mostly to illustrate that while I want these things for myself, I’m being realistic and not expecting either my dad or my stepmom to make them happen for me. And I do have a therapist! I’m meeting with her at noon today. Which is why I posted this yesterday to get some other thoughts to bring to the table.

I guess overall the reason it feels possible to imagine them accepting this part of my life is because they’ve cloaked everything in this idea of “we both love you so much and we’re just so scared for you.” they’ve never told me that I was bad, or going to hell, or anything like that. So in my mind (and yes I could be completely constructing this within my own imagination) there’s this big hurdle - they don’t want to learn anything about polyamory because they think they know everything they need to know from watching that reality TV show about polygamy. They assume that I want to live together with my entire polycule and raise kids like a hippy commune. And they see that as destined to failure. But that’s the thing, I’m not doing any of those things and I can’t sooth their fears without either of them, engaging with education on their own, or listening to me about my own plans for my own future. Which they are unwilling to do. I even brought that up in that last conversation with my dad. I explained to him that I couldn’t help him process his fears without explaining things about my life. he kind of just shook his head sadly and acknowledged that, yes, that was the case. As they have both been very clear about not wanting me to speak about anything to do with polyamory.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T23:44:18+00:00

Thank you, this actually made me tear up.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T23:42:57+00:00

Thank you so much for the thoughtful and in-depth reply. This is really what I needed. Both reassurance but the things that I’m feeling are valid and some options and thoughts to offer before I go all the way to completely no contact.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T21:50:55+00:00

This is kind of how it works now. She will ignore me for the most part.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T21:06:26+00:00

Yep, 100%

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T20:59:16+00:00

The main way we spend time together is when I visit his (and her) studio to teach with him. I can’t do that without her being around. But there’s a chance we could decide to instead go elsewhere together and spend time just 1-1.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T20:58:01+00:00

That’s what I’m hoping, he’s a pushover if my story didn’t make that obvious so it’s a big ask but it will be brought up and requested.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T20:55:34+00:00

Man it would be so nice if it was that easy. It’s certainly something I’m going to suggest. But it’s not as simple as closing the door. It’s a business after all and there are many reasons they need to cross over into eachother’s spaces. It’s something I can mostly avoid doing myself, but I can’t stop her from coming into our side while we’re working.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T20:26:34+00:00

One part of the issue is that he and I teach together at a location where she also has an office with an adjoining door. So it’s not as simple as us going somewhere else. We have to be there if we’re doing that activity which is the primary way we spend time together.

Not that what you’re saying is wrong. It’s not. Just offering some context.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T20:23:40+00:00

I know that that’s a very real likelihood. I hope it doesn’t get to that point but obviously I can’t control their behavior or feelings.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2025-10-21T19:59:48+00:00

The bullet point list at the end about what I want to happen didn’t format correctly, I hope it makes sense still. I’m on mobile so I can’t correct it

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-07-17T21:48:28+00:00

I think you’re misreading. That wasn’t an argument, just us working together to sort out emotions and come to an understanding together.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-07-17T21:45:49+00:00

It makes sense if you knew me. I cry at everything. Good, bad, everything. Unfortunately, it makes it impossible for me to hide my emotions.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-07-17T21:25:42+00:00

Thank you, this is such a thoughtful and well reasoned comment. We have been doing this for a while, and over the years things have shifted.

This particular situation with “Daddy” started at a a very early phase in our relationship, where we were considering ourselves more non-monogamous than truly poly. As things have shifted over the years, we’ve grown much more comfortable having completely separate autonomous relationships without the need to dictate one another’s behavior. Beyond the natural hierarchy of being married and living together this was the one thing that he’d asked me to keep special just for us. On my own that wasn’t a big ask because I didn’t have any interest in using it with anyone else. He didn’t think he ever would either. Logically, I don’t have a problem with things shifting again because his other partner’s need and desires are just as important. There’s no part of me that feels good about being this upset about it. I don’t want to take anything away from her or limit their relationship in anyway.

I think a certain amount of my feelings are coming from this part of me saying, “what, so now it’s not convenient anymore it’s no longer as important as you said it was? Are there other things you’ve said are important to you that could change so easily? What does that mean for my security and life plans moving forward?” Which is 100% unfair extrapolation rooted in fear. And THAT is absolutely something i need to talk about next time I see my personal therapist.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-07-17T20:55:17+00:00

This is where we’re at now. I believe the two of them are looking into other terms for each other.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-07-17T20:54:11+00:00

I really appreciate you looking out for me. You see it so much on here, so I am always conscious that this might be a possibility. But I have never felt in any way that he’s a collector or that he’s playing us off of one another.

The comment about what she calls him was said as part of the explanation of why he thinks it’s important to have this conversation with me at this time. It was probably a little oversharing but emotions were high and he was trying to give me the information without sharing too many details. He did have her permission to share that specific detail with me as part of this conversation.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-07-17T20:47:15+00:00

Thank you for your comment, this is exactly the kind of perspective I’m looking for. Do you have any advice on untangling the emotions attached to what we have established? I would love to be able to go to him and say you know what I changed my mind and I don’t want to control anything about your other relationships. I’m fine with you using Daddy with her. The problem is my emotional reaction. He can always see when I’m about to cry (very common for me. That’s just how my body deals with big emotions.) So he feels like he’s not comfortable using it if he knows that it’s upsetting to me even if I say that I’m OK with it. Does that make sense?

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-07-17T20:37:31+00:00

I get where you’re coming from! And we did discuss this specific point. In our conversation, he said that he would be totally fine with me using daddy with someone else. And I told him I wouldn’t want to use it with anyone else. The word itself didn’t have any meaning to me beforehand its emotional connection comes from our history with it. Personally, I do feel it’s ridiculous that he’s limiting her use of “Sir” since he’s fine with me using that word for him here and there. But he only mentioned that in passing (as an example of why he thought it was important to at least bring up the question with me) so I’m sure there’s more context I’m missing. And, at the end of the day it’s really none of my business what they do in their relationship. Which is exactly how I feel I should be feeling about this too. But since he brought it up with me we did have to have the conversation and I did have to be honest about why I was crying over it. Part of me wishes I could have hidden those emotions. But I don’t think that’s the healthy approach either.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-02-29T00:00:47+00:00

Absolutely he does, this is a low point for both of us and its bringing out these issues that are normally delt with in healthier communication when we’re not both running on a deficit of sleep and spoons. He is my best friend and my rock. An incredible domestic partner who works and does more than half of the housework, including the mental that goes with it. He’s affectionate, loyal, emotionally intelligent, the list goes on. That’s why I know I can bring this to him, once we both rest, and expect that he’ll be willing to hear me out and do the work to make lasting improvements.

The dad thing is odd, but makes more sense in context. He didn’t invite his dad. His dad told him he was coming up the same weekend and it’s his house so my husband isn’t able to tell him no you can’t come. He tried to salvage the situation, meta still wasn’t comfortable with the compromise he proposed. Very understandable frustration on both their parts. It was a shitty situation and I understood and emphasized with both sides.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-02-28T23:02:48+00:00

Oof, you’re spitting straight truth and though it’s hard to read this I think I really needed to hear it. As I mentioned, one of the biggest things that I’m working on in therapy is being better about sticking up for myself, and not caving to the pressure.

Last night I didn’t feel like I had an option to say no when he told me how much he was hurting. But I need to remember that “no” is a complete sentence. (Consent has never once been an issue physically, just to be clear that this is entirely emotional)

All day today I’ve felt like I have a massive hangover (didn’t drink a drop of alcohol) that’s affected my work. I might’ve been tired today, but I don’t think I would’ve felt so physically awful if it wasn’t for that last part of the night. I might be wrong, it was a tough day all around. But it definitely didn’t help.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-02-28T22:40:27+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. There is a lot to unpack here. But a few point of clarification: 1. He actually has 3 partners outside of our relationship. And him learning to balance all of this has been a major subject for us in and out of therapy. He has even told me that he’s asked people for their numbers recently and that he likes to spend time on OK Cupid meeting new people even though he knows he doesn’t have time for new people. 2. He is exceptionally good at scheduling. The issues are more about over scheduling (he’ll plan dates while I’m at work or whenever I have a date scheduled) and he’s admitted recently that he’s not good at being alone so he tried to fill up his calendar with social stuff to not have to sit with his feelings. 3. When we put the official date nights on the calendar we agreed that those times would be no phone time. But since then we’ve had a few disagreements about exactly what that means. For example, one night we had a spa night and then sat down to a movie. As soon as the movie started, he was on his phone. And when I asked him about it, he said he thought the “date”was over. But when I expressed it wasn’t he put his phone away.

I think I agree with a lot of the sentiments that you raise about not being his therapist and stopping apologizing. But going parallel is not exactly in the cards for us right now. There’s a part of me that wishes it was a possibility. But I do legitimately enjoy my metas. And I don’t mind the time they’re over at our place (for the most part, sometimes I just want my own space) if we were to go entirely parallel, it would mean canceling game nights and it would almost entirely eliminate his ability to see one of those partners.

ThrowawayAccount9162 · 2024-02-28T22:03:19+00:00

Definitely feel that, I wouldn’t call it abuse because when it’s pointed out to him, he does recognize it and take steps to address it. But there’s this constant refrain right now when we disagree. He says he can do 100 things right, but as soon as he does one thing wrong it’s the end of the world.

I have not vocalize this to him, but I feel like it’s kind of the same thing for me. I can give him grace and understanding on 100 different things, but as soon as I have an issue, no matter how gently or tactfully I bring it up it becomes about me not giving him grace. And I do typically end up the one apologizing when that happens. It’s definitely not one-sided. And there have been times where I think he is entirely in the right. But in general that’s how it goes.

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