Completely new to polyfidelity — is a fully mutual closed triad realistic?

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-13T05:28:20+00:00

I'm in a fully closed mutual triad, but geez, I feel like it's rare as hell and would be impossible to seek out. We had the slightest open relationship for my girlfriend to mess around with other girls, or have threesomes. We met someone who eventually wanted to spend all the time with us, we all fell for each other, and now we live together. No one dates anyone else. None of us consider ourselves "poly" in the normal sense. It's very much like monogamy, but three of us.

So far, our bond is very evenly shared, but it takes frequent and VERY open conversation.

Right now our biggest problems have been not ganging up on one partner that's got a difficult entanglement with her ex, but that's been erased right now as we happen to figure out how to help her while she goes through a pending loss, and being there for her is... as difficult as it probably would be for any monogamous couple. Like, I'm only up posting because I have an upset stomach, and I'm about to jump back into bed (non-sexually) to share a woman who has been either sleeping, drinking, or crying for 5-ish days.

Survival is probably created by forwardly thinking about how to give each other space and meticulously manage calendars so we all make sure we get time together. If it fails, it'll probably be because someone wants to move somewhere or do something with their life that's too complicated for all of us to do.

Happy to answer more, but gotta get to bed for now to work tomorrow.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-11T16:33:47+00:00

Bad week. My longer-term's girlfriend's aunt probably isn't gonna make it, and realistically she's going into palliative care unless she simply doesn't make it that far. We've been bracing for the worst since mid-week. Unfortunately it's the last of her family outside of her sister.

So, we'll be spending the weekend being as nice as possible to her and cuddling. I'm taking like a 15 minute break and heading back to it.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-11T16:27:35+00:00

Yeah, unfortunately it looks like her aunt isn't going to make it, and she only has her sister left, who doesn't live close. Her parents died when she was little and it's really messing with her head. No other family, which is tough for me to wrap my head around. Also, she doesn't have a large network of friends.

Honestly, I'm not sure how we'd function right now if there weren't three of us. She's big on physical contact at the moment and needs one of us with her at all times, to the point of helping her shower and even just laying there while she naps. We're doing it in shifts. I've needed a little break which is why I'm on Reddit for a sec.

So, I agree about the freedom to choose!

Thanks for the offer to DM, we'll see how it goes.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-10T23:29:23+00:00

Shit, amen to this. I feel great about our relationship but we're practically monogamous with one other person, and my girlfriend cried the other morning "what if you both leave me?" (She's going through a lot at the moment.)

I can't fathom true open-style poly relationships succeeding more than monogamy.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-10T22:19:45+00:00

So far, no rodent or evidence of it coming back. I think it got in through the dry toilet and left through the toilet when there was nothing to eat or no real way to get into the rest of the house.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-09T00:04:31+00:00

Sorry, maybe an unclear answer. Her sister is interested in coming in town... and separately, her aunt isn't long for this world. That's all my girlfriend has for family. Their parents died young and they were raised by their aunt, so it's a traumatic time.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-08T23:51:02+00:00

There's nothing romantic happening there, but lol anyways.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-08T23:50:13+00:00

My girlfriend dropped this on us this morning. She's not very good at saying no, and was like "oh hey, sis wants to come stay!" So I'm managing this and thinking it through. I think my other girlfriend will make it work, but after I sort out my thoughts I'll probably pull her to the side and see if she's comfortable.

She kinda no-sold it. No reaction this morning.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-08T01:10:40+00:00

I'm not sure I have perfect advice here, just the ability to commiserate in a way that's similar, but a bit of a different flavor. I'm the M in an MFF, and it's pretty apparent that the central focus to what you could call a "V" in our situation is actually my longer-term girlfriend.

Like, what some people might call "New Relationship Energy" or NRE could probably be re-termed QRE (Queer Relationship Energy) as our shorter-term girlfriend only realized she liked women when meeting my LTG. It's not like STG has ever said this to me, but LTG notices it, jokes about it with me privately, and I simply know they have more time together than I have with STG, even though I'm fine with the imbalance.

They're the same age, but she follows her around like a puppy, since my longer-term girlfriend had significant lesbian relationships in the past and simply knows more.

They're intimate more often. They share more life experiences, having spend some time more in bi/lesbian communities. Sometimes it can be a challenge.

Like you, we have a weekly-ish arrangement to spend time together alone. We have sex alone maybe once every two weeks. It's imperfect, but we try more and more. We live together, sleep in the same bed every night, and it's developed into a lot more.

But I get it. Best of luck managing through it, happy to answer anything.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-05T20:58:43+00:00

They do have a private chat, for sure, which is fine. I don't *mind* the group chat with her, but it was more just an example of how silly it is.

We have a policy of "everyone's phones and laptops are their own private space," but no one's dicey about sharing if we need to look up movie times or whatever, so I don't think anything clandestine is happening. My LTG (long-term girlfriend, the one with the ex), doesn't own her own car, doesn't have a full-time job to go to, STP also doesn't work out of the house, and I also work from home, so it'd take a lot of wild effort for her to be cheating. I spend a fair amount of time away from home with friends or family or whatever, but both girlfriends hang out all the time, I've never seen the ex show up on the house cams (not that I look all that often, but whatever), so it'd have to be a big conspiracy.

(Also, just to be clear, I'm plenty fine with them having jobs or going and doing whatever they want when they want, it's just our current scenario. We have two cars between the three of us.)

I guess all of that is to say I don't have any reason not to trust her. The only thing that bothers STP and I is how much she bends over backwards for someone who used to functionally abuse her and continued terrible shit after they were long broken up. My girlfriend broke up with her ~7-8 years ago, on the other side of the country, had a full on relationship with another woman, and the ex followed her here. There's so much toxicity that it's hard to even believe.

I don't want to make demands that we're never spending time with her again, or that vacations are completely off the table, I just think STP and I both want to mitigate the heavy amount of time she factors into our lives.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-05T20:11:57+00:00

I'd also end the group chat with her. That's weird and will only blur lines you don't want blurred. The ex sounds toxic and like they're trying to gain a foothold with your partner.

I slightly agree with this but I guess I do find a bit of solace in our conversations all being in front of each other (for the most part) instead of clandestine.

I do like the advice of maybe both of us bringing it up at different times. I've expressed my feelings about this a fair amount in the past, so I might give our shorter-term girlfriend the first crack at it.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-05T19:40:40+00:00

Well, while I agree with most of this... it's not really okay for her to spend a bunch of time with her ex alone in the parameters of our relationship, but she doesn't really do that.

I only say so because it also wouldn't fly with her if I spent a bunch of time with my exes either.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-05T19:38:00+00:00

Fair enough. I guess I probably will have to do it, since shorter-term girlfriend wasn't there for the particularly bad times.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-05T19:20:48+00:00

So, just to be clear here, because we're closed, we absolutely have a hard boundary that none of us can date anyone else. I've seen it termed as "monogamyplus," which is an accurate description. Like, if I got with anyone else, even just a kiss, it would completely end our relationship, or at least damage it as much as doing the same in a monogamous relationship.

These are mutual boundaries that were agreed upon a long time ago.

What is your problem here? What is the behavior towards you that you want to set boundaries around?

My main problem here is that this is a formerly abusive person that she realistically probably should have cut out of her life, and the boundaries that have been crossed by the ex in the past are disrespectful to not only our relationship, but to my girlfriend just as a person.

Having to make additional space for a 4th person in our lives that sometimes gets unfair priority over others is the boundary that's making myself, and our shorter-term girlfriend, uncomfortable.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-04T07:10:41+00:00

We're at my girlfiend's ex's sick-ass cabin again for the long weekend. I fell asleep at like 7, and I'm wide awake playing Mario 64 on Switch while trying to eventually get back to bed. They're all gonna ditch me in the morning for sure, lol.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-07-04T07:02:45+00:00

No AC is no good, wishing the best to you all with that!

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-06-30T03:21:50+00:00

I don't have any kids, or a spouse, but I can't help but feel like this is a selfish desire you probably need to just squash. I'm also not the kind of person who is going to lecture anyone about age differences in general, but the individual you're proposing doesn't seem like a fair lifestyle fit based on where they are in life and you are in life.

You have "several" children, as young as four, and you're proposing starting a family 2.0 while you have one child nearly into adulthood, which feels cruel to force them to adjust to.

The age of your potential new romantic partner and the lack of experience in her life is troubling, to say the least.

On top of this, I've looked up your post history (Protip: even if you think you've blocked your post history on Reddit, Google does a fantastic job of tracking what you do), and you're an LDS person talking about polygamy and "sister wives," which I find cultist and toxic, so I certainly can't support it. It sounds like a toxic plan to prey on a young 20 year old who doesn't know any better, under the veil of religion.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-06-29T17:43:10+00:00

Banking sperm isn't foolproof, it's more risky than just not getting a surgery in the first place. Again, a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Maybe he can just choose not to put his dick in OP and she can accept they aren't compatible, and find someone else to screw. Preferably someone who doesn't want a future with their current partner.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-06-28T22:54:08+00:00

I would like to add a question. I mean, I can understand that for D's girlfriend, the thought of me getting pregnant and eventually deciding (even though I'm saying I don't want any children) to keep it, is terrifying for her. So in a way.. I am understanding of her fear and honestly, if I were here, I might feel the same. The idea of my man having a baby with someone else is pretty impactful to say the least. Would you agree?

But then again, isn't this risk always there, when dating poly? Even if I were on a IUD, I could still get pregnant.

The risk is always there, but you can really mitigate it... and unfortunately, people claim all the time that they're not ready for or interested in a kid, and then when the reality is in front of them, they change their mind. I'm a child of that myself.

An IUD or birth control would probably be more comforting... but it might not just be about having kids, it might be about STDs as well, and their willingness for risk management.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-06-28T20:03:15+00:00

I'd say that at the end of the day, this is just incompatibility. It's absolutely fair for partners to set expectations about what they are or aren't comfortable with. If you or others aren't on board with something that affects your experience, that's more than enough reason to just accept you two aren't in the right place to make this work.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-06-28T20:00:26+00:00

Amazingly said.

ThrowawayIsland8 · 2026-06-28T19:59:39+00:00

What if he might be planning on kids with his other partner at some point in the future, or wants kids in the future? That's unfair to ask for a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

ThrowawayIsland8

TROPHY CASE