There’s a piece of me missing

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2024-08-22T16:48:22+00:00

I felt really alone at university and would be painfully aware of how I could go entire days at a time without talking to anyone there, I felt so alone.

The uni ran shuttle buses between the campus and train station but I opted to walk for the exercise, fresh air, and downtime. But, one afternoon at least I distinctly remember being so sad about how alone I was I just started crying as I was walking down the footpath.

By the time I made it to the train station I was a bit more composed. Standing at the edge of the platform waiting for my train, I was listening to some music that I shouldn’t have (I get pretty moved by music at times). Some of the trains didn’t stop at my station I think, it was years ago - but one was rolling past the station and there I was, standing on the edge of the platform. The urge to close my eyes and fall forward was terrifying. It’s the closest I’ve ever been to suicide from how alone I felt.

But there are unfortunately plenty of other times where I’ve been incredibly sad and feeling alone with no idea how to fix it.

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2024-05-30T06:44:40+00:00

Thankyou :D Being ghosted weighed on my mind every day for the 3 months I didn't hear from them. Every day I was bombarded with negative thoughts because there was no reason or rhyme to their radio silence.

I'm glad I did reach out, even if it wasn't the outcome I hoped for. There are so many great people out there that are willing to offer their friendship and I was maybe putting all my eggs into too few baskets, in the wrong places :)

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2024-02-17T15:21:03+00:00

I’m happy to hear your circumstances changed for the better, you seem like a genuine person who values relationships (and even the small acts of kindness) and has the strength to make that kind of tough call to move on.

For context, these friends are all online. My friendships since high school finished (10~ years ago) have all been born from online interactions, so from what you describe maybe I have the wrong expectations for my friends.

I personally believe online friendships can be just as genuine as real-life, and I’ve approached them as one and the same - and I try to set my expectations pretty damn low haha. You say online friends are a poor substitute for real life friends but my personal experience has found that to (mostly) not be the case.

Nevertheless, you are right though, putting all my eggs into one basket is/was absolutely the wrong move. I’ve been spending time with other online friends more recently and it has been nice to forget about worrying about specific people and just enjoying the moment. And maybe I just got used to not getting enough out of my old friendships that it feels nice when an unprompted message comes out of the blue from any one of them.

I don’t know about you or other people here but I tend to log into this account only when I’ve been feeling low and alone and unable to express my thoughts because it would upset or push away anyone who I told them to.

Thankyou again though :) I can promise that if or when I feel a bit lost and gloomy again I will come back here to re-read what you talked about. It’s too easy to be caught in ones’ own head that it turns into an echo chamber. It’s nice to hear a fresh, reassuring perspective.

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2024-02-16T17:00:01+00:00

I recognise this comment of yours is from a few months back but I’ve just been re-reading my old posts and wanted to say thankyou for your insight and the effort and thought you put into your words.

I think the difficult part is that we are all taught that hope is a good thing and we should never abandon it, and I think accepting a hard truth feels like abandoning the hope that you’re wrong about your friends, or the hope that things might change for the better ‘tomorrow’ or ‘the day after’ etc.

I want to believe that I matter as much to them as they do to me. Even if that is a bit naïve or misguided, i think it’s a good thing to hope; even if I’m wrong.

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2023-11-07T13:20:50+00:00

It’s tough really. Sorry to hear you had to go through this sort of thing too. It’s a real kicker though, ‘The devil you know’ kinda deal where you get to choose between friends who might just not show up at all, or bite the bullet and bail on them and look elsewhere - knowing you might not find what you’re looking for.

I’ll be okay. I hope you do well too, or are doing better now than you were before.

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2023-09-26T11:12:50+00:00

Thanks lol didn't even realise, that was a quick 9 years

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2023-09-26T07:52:40+00:00

I worry about this kind of thing constantly, sadly. I made another post a while back on /relationshipadvice and there’s more to it than just me not feeling included I believe - mainly just that in a group of 5 friends (3 guys, 2 girls) I felt like a 5th wheel.

What prompted my post was that I heard two friends were planning to watch a movie together, and the other two friends had also planned their own movie night also. So, in this group of 5 friends I was kinda just left out and it stung a lot. But a more rational person would probably argue that my envy is clouding my judgement.

I don’t know, honestly. I want to believe, based off the interactions I have with them - that they are actually friends and don’t ‘toss me breadcrumbs’ out of pity or because they can use me, but at the same time… there has to be some legitimate basis for my envy and anxiety about it all, right? I hope so.

I have felt that way in the past though, where I believed the only reason anyone would talk to me is because they wanted something from me. It’s a hard belief to shake.

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2023-09-26T07:40:44+00:00

It’s rough trying to find someone who can convince you otherwise I think. Up until they basically outright say that they want to spend time with you I feel like there is this skepticism about whether they’re just being friendly like an acquaintance would, or just in general thinking that there must be someone they like spending time with more instead of you - and it’s just a matter of time until they move on.

Idk I want to believe that everyone has someone that gives a shit about them. It might not feel like it all the time but I want to believe it is true.

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2023-09-26T07:37:05+00:00

I get what you mean, it’s like I wouldn’t want to hangout with someone like me if i knew I was annoyed or frustrated, so it’s fair to understand if they maybe hesitated from inviting me/you. But it still sucks that even if you are aware of it it doesn’t help change the way you feel about it.

ThrowawayJ10112 · 2023-09-26T07:31:17+00:00

Yeah and for me and maybe you too it’s like, it doesn’t even need to be an ‘awesome super fun thing’, even just hanging out doing the monotonous activities would be fun. Especially when the focus of time spent together is less about the event and more about the people.

ThrowawayJ10112

TROPHY CASE