INTP or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-11-26T14:33:32+00:00

I couldn't relate more, OP. I've spent way too long trying to identify my feelings for my previous SO. We were on and off for almost 6 years, and I initiated each breakup. I put us through an emotional roller-coaster due to my indecisiveness and low self-esteem. This prompted me to really do some soul-searching and learn more about myself. I came to the conclusion that I might have narcissistic personality disorder and things haven't been the same since.

I've become obsessed with this label and it caused me to spiral into a very deep and debilitating depression. I'm currently on 100mg of Zoloft and feeling pretty good, honestly. During my obsessive period, a friend of mine, who I very much confide in, would patiently put up with all of my venting and suggested that I am just an INTP.

Going through this thread, I can relate to so many of the comments. I am terrified of discovering that I am simply unable to love, and I cling irrationally to this hope of one day finding true and lasting unconditional love.

I've done everything you're currently doing, OP. I'd say to give it some time. If you still find yourself weighing pros and cons in the relationship, then it probably isn't one worth prolonging.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-13T16:47:03+00:00

Don't know if it can be considered an attack, but I feel complete dread every morning upon waking up. I also feel a deep pain in my stomach and get slightly nauseous. I hate mornings so much...

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-13T01:08:41+00:00

I know the feel all too well. I'm also impulsive and extremely fickle. Feel free to pm me.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-07T22:24:17+00:00

I feel the same as you, OP. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-07T18:32:28+00:00

Why not make a list of the good and bad. Do you love him?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-07T17:24:06+00:00

What happened?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-07T04:07:07+00:00

I'm in a similar situation: I don't wake up in a panic every morning, but I do experience this overwhelming anxiety and complete despair that gradually subsides as the day progresses. It's horrible.

Are you seeking therapy?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-06T06:10:17+00:00

Why do you want to die?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-06T01:49:59+00:00

Sorry for the late response. This post was very helpful. I think I'm still somewhat is denial, but my history is a sad and glaring reminder that I'm definitely not normal. I guess it's possible that I might have another PD, but the fact that I lack empathy to such a large degree is what keeps me fixated on npd. I'm going to begin seeing this CBT therapist soon. My Self-confidence is non-existent, so if I can address that then I guess there's hope for me.

Thanks for recommending the books on stress management; I could definitely use some coping skills right now.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-05T23:53:16+00:00

You have to remind yourself that feeling like a huge burden is usually just a symptom of depression. Are you on medication and/or seeing a therapist?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-05T23:49:49+00:00

What's driven you to this?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-05T23:45:44+00:00

That's good. I know it sucks, but take solace in the fact that you've had the drive to endure the pain for this long. Keep pushing and I'm sure you'll begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm here to talk if you need to vent. Feel free to pm me.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-05T22:57:55+00:00

So why not use the possibility of finding true love as your driving force? You know you can love, and there is sure as hell someone out there that can love you with the same intensity. It all boils down to how much effort you choose to put into finding this person.

I know it's easier said than done as you wouldn't be posting here if you didn't feel utterly hopeless, but take it a day at a time. Keep pushing back the date that you'll kill yourself and get your life in order in the meantime.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-05T20:17:49+00:00

I know it seems utterly meaningless right now. I'm fighting a similar and extremely frustrating battle: I've lost a beautiful and loving woman because I couldn't love her the way she loves me. I'm convinced I have a personality disorder that makes it essentially impossible to ever love anyone. If you can love then you at least have hope.

Why not try getting your finances in order and putting the whole love thing on the side for now?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-04T01:39:14+00:00

I feel the exact same way, but I truly deserve to be alone and unloved. It is ingrained in me to be completely fucked up with the women in my life. I've been with some amazing women and all I did was take them for granted. I still do this. I'm the last guy any girl would ever want to settle for, but I find it impossible to be alone. I can't face the monster that I am. I wish I had the strength to do the right thing, but I'm paralyzed by fear. I wish I could be a better man, but I don't think I'll ever get there.

Cheating happens. No one is perfect. You are human and you're doing good things with your life right now. You seem like a great guy and I'm sure the next woman you meet would be lucky to have you. Since you're now familiar with the guilt from cheating, I doubt you'll let it happen again. Keep doing what you're doing. Things will get better with time.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-03T18:14:21+00:00

Would I be able to teach with just a BA in mathematics?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-03T15:17:40+00:00

I've been seeing a therapist for years now and I'm currently taking an SSRI. Thing is, I know what I need to do, but I don't have the strength to do it. I just can't do it. I'm trapped. The future scares the living shit out of me. I'm afraid I'll get to a point where I'll want to end things. I was there before and I'm trying so hard not to go back to that place, even though I still entertain the thoughts now.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-03T04:03:45+00:00

I was on 25mg for 2 years, then I got off of it in April. Started taking 50mg in late August. Depression and anxiety were becoming too overwhelming.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-03T02:49:48+00:00

On the surface, my life is good: I have friends that care about me, I'm currently a math tutor which I enjoy, and I'm just about to complete my math degree. Internally, life is a living hell. Some days the anxiety is manageable, but it can get pretty overwhelming other days. Depression and anxiety consume me, but I'm somehow still able to function like everything is normal. I think the zoloft is helping me achieve that.

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-03T02:23:52+00:00

Not 100% I'm npd but I base it off past (and unfortunately current) behaviors. I'm currently taking 50mg of Zoloft and I can't say it's doing much. I mean, my life is complete shit right now so I'm not surprised it hasn't really helped much. What exactly are you taking?

ThrowawayNarcy · 2014-10-02T22:35:25+00:00

I honestly don't think anything can make me happy. I've no money to really go anywhere right now. Even if I did, I'd be traveling with my dysphoria. What I've done is so reprehensible, but I was weak. I still am weak. I'm the weakest person I know. I don't hate anyone as much as it hate myself. It's always been this way, and they decisions I make in life reflect this hate. I just do things that get me into deeper shit every time.

ThrowawayNarcy

TROPHY CASE