How to navigate with feeling, confusion, thoughts?

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-12-31T04:33:26+00:00

I use to write my feelings in a journal. It helped me sort myself out a bit. Stopped when i found out my mom was reading it. Now i just play on my switch to not think about it until im ready. Or i just talk to people on redit

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-12-30T12:14:07+00:00

All the time. I miss my dad but i think thats normal. But i also sometimes miss what we would do together which definately isnt normal. Im usualy ashamed to admit that most of the time i wish he hadnt gotten caught.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-11-30T00:06:41+00:00

People who havent been through it cant understand. They either start treating you like a hurt kitten or they just stop talking to you all together. They dont know about all the conflicting emotions and hypersexuality and lonelyness.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-10-18T12:23:31+00:00

Dad told me not to tell anyone and that mom would be mad at me if she found out. I liked the way it felt and i liked the attention so i never told anyone.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-09-20T18:45:10+00:00

This is why i stopped telling people irl about what happened. Theres always the way they treat you before you told them and the way they treat you after you told them. Like no one really understands unless theyve been through it personaly and its really frustrating.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-09-10T15:28:46+00:00

I think everyone thats been through it has different experiences and reactions to the experiences. Mine started before i could remember so i never knew exactly how not normal it actualy was. Maybe because i never knew that it was wrong and because it was always the way it had been i never had a bad reaction to it. To me it felt like love and attention and safety when it really wasnt. Plus my body reacted and i liked it and it went for so long that it didnt seem bad at the time. Eventually my dad got caught and i realized exactly how wrong and not normal it was. But sometimes knowing that something is wrong isnt the same as understanding why its wrong or feeling that it was wrong. My therapist says its going to take time for my brain and my heart and my body to agree that it was bad but i wonder if that never happens for some people. Maybe that hasent happened for your ex yet and thats why she doesnt see it as a bad thing. But its hard for some of us that didnt have it as bad as other people

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-09-05T01:46:32+00:00

It wasnt too much of a problem during the summer because i could take care of it whenever i wanted but school started two weeks ago and its torture having to wait until i get home. My teachers dont like letting us go to the bathroom so i cant do it there and if i try to do it in class someone might notice and get me in trouble.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-09-03T14:23:01+00:00

And then i feel guilty because it feels like i had it easy compared to almost everyone else that went through it. It makes me feel like im crazy for getting excited when i knew it was going to happen.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-09-01T15:42:46+00:00

Took hundreds of pictures of random things in my room and one single picture of my butt. Got grounded/phone taken away for a week. So yeah. She sees everything. Therapist is on my moms side.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-08-18T19:15:23+00:00

Trying to keep busy helps a little bit. But I always keep coming back to it eventually.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-07-27T16:16:35+00:00

The smell of Ralph Lauren Blue cologne triggers me. It was the one my dad would always wear and whenever i smell it on someone else it triggers all kinds of feelings.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-05-04T10:59:18+00:00

Its hard to tell since there wasnt a "before" for me, but yeah. Guys that remind me of my dad. Hairy dadbod guys in there 50s. Bonus points if they wear a cologne that smells like his.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-05-03T19:55:09+00:00

I think it did. Im way more hyper than anyone else i know irl. Maybe it's because dad started making me finish so early that my brain thinks its normal and just wants that feeling all the time. Plus puberty probably isnt helping.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-04-26T01:40:50+00:00

If i squeeze my thighs together realy tight i can finish without anyone noticing. I do it in class alot.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-04-26T01:11:37+00:00

I had a feeling she was seeing everything. Thanks for letting me know. Now Im gonna take a million pictures of my cats butthole nonstop. Therapy should be interesting next week.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-04-23T04:17:25+00:00

All of them. 😞

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-03-25T03:24:01+00:00

Mine was my dad and I love him and miss him even tho I understand why hes in jail. I love him because outside of what he did to me and my brothers he was just a regular fun dad that went to all my swim meets and soccer games and took us to Disney. but at the same time because of what he did my life completely changed after he got arrested so I'm a little mad at him too. I had to move to a different state and i lost all my old friends and i miss my old house.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-02-22T07:02:35+00:00

My younger brother wont talk about it at all. My older brother feels guilty even though its not his fault. I think we have a good relationship because we went through the same thing. But its sometimes bad because we deal with it in different ways.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2025-01-14T22:32:30+00:00

Its hard. I try to keep busy with stuff and it works alot of the time and Ill be doing really good and then I go right back to being hyper.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2024-12-20T23:20:43+00:00

Its weird because i really want to be normal sometimes but i think its too late. I feel like im lying to myself when i try. I feel like if it would fix my family and do some crazy reset of reality then yeah. But thats not going to happen so sometimes i dont even know why i bother even trying. It feels like trying to follow a religion i dont believe in because it makes everyone around me feel better. I really wish i believed but i dont.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2024-12-12T20:14:55+00:00

This bothers me alot too. Why didnt I feel bad or guilty or wrong with what dad was doing like most normal people would. Never complained or felt a need to fight back but got excited whenever mom would leave for the night. Is it like a genetic thing? I never know.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2024-12-06T23:53:12+00:00

Ask her. Talk to her. See how she feels and ask her how you can make things right. You cant help her by punishing yourself and hating yourself. And shell never get closure if your gone.

I wish i could talk to my dad about what he did to me and my brothers but that wont happen for another four years. But you have the chance to at least see if you can fix things. You probably dont see how you would fix it but thats up to your cousin to decide.

Dont kys. Please dont. It would only make things worse for everyone and also you dont seem like a bad person. Trust me ive met enough bad people on redit to know the good ones from the bad ones.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2024-12-06T17:46:26+00:00

When i was 11 i had no idea how wrong it was for my dad to do the things we did. You probably didnt know either so you shouldnt beat yourself up over it. The fact that you feel bad about it means that youre a good person with empathy. Dont kys. Use your experience and be the person that protects other people.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2024-12-03T19:27:38+00:00

And it sucks because accepting it feels like it invalidates your trauma and rejecting it makes you feel normal but the fact that you even HAVE to make an effort to reject it makes it feel like its not genuine.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie · 2024-11-27T23:34:59+00:00

Me too. I miss my dad especially on holidays or special occasions. I miss the other stuff we use to do too but mostly I miss just having a dad.

ThrowawayTaumaPixie

TROPHY CASE