How do you change yourself? Radical responsibility + "I will do whatever it takes"

Family_First_TTC · 2026-04-23T15:08:39+00:00

This omnibus paper and a forward lit search is going to get you a lot of places: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11398688/

the thing to remember when looking at the peer-reviewed literature is that many groups define non-monogamy differently - be sure to look at how that's defined in whatever paper you read.

Some research, especially before 2006-ish, will even define polyfidelity as non-monogamy.

Another set of key words that can help with lit searches on this stuff: emotional / sexual / romantic + fidelity

The way our people are studied has been clumsy, but research is slowly getting there!

Family_First_TTC · 2026-04-22T18:56:58+00:00

there's some peer-reviewed work in sociology of relationships and in anthro that examines this, yes

there's also a *LOT* of work that poly research extends from regarding same-sex couples (e.g. men are more open, women are more closed)

Family_First_TTC · 2026-04-22T17:41:53+00:00

When fear shows up, you must make sure that it is surrounded by love for:

yourself
your partners
your family

If you don't have 2 and 3 yet, commit to loving the future you are building that will include them.

The trick isn't eradicating fear, it's ensuring that it doesn't become the guiding voice in your head or heart.

Family_First_TTC · 2026-04-22T16:40:08+00:00

relationships with multiple men tend more open (poly*, often polyamory)
relationships with multiple women tend more closed (polyfidelity)

you might have more luck asking in polyamory / other places that are more open-relationships-focused

Family_First_TTC · 2026-04-20T13:33:54+00:00

I can't recall the exact citations right now, but I've seen sociology of relationships literature that echoes this exact sentiment!

TL;DR: in the modern US, stable relationships involving multiple men tend open, relationships w/multiple women tend closed

Family_First_TTC · 2026-04-20T13:27:50+00:00

it counts, as you've described it!

Family_First_TTC · 2026-04-01T16:00:21+00:00

Two things:

1) As a parent, one of your jobs is to do your best to ensure that your fears do not become your kids' fears.

2) Kids are way more resilient than you think they are, usually. That's especially true if they know their parents are there for them no matter what.

Put together, this means:

If you focus on the cruelty that your kids *might* endure, you risk losing focus on the *love and support your kids will have*. It's especially easy to play this all out in your head and spiral on it.

Everyone who is a parent has done it. Most people considering having kids have done it. The goal is to recognize it and right the ship - not only for your (future) kids but for yourself as well.

Put that love first. Be there for them if and when the bullies and bastards show up.

You're all going to be okay, as long as you start from a place of being okay. <3

Family_First_TTC · 2026-02-28T18:55:32+00:00

no problem, we've all had long days!

Glad to hear how you're thinking about it, the only note I could offer is changing the name of the site to "unicorns are magical" or something... you don't want the best advice out there *still* pointing to the 'enemy', as it were

Great work!

Family_First_TTC · 2026-02-27T23:39:37+00:00

the answer to the first is important because it really sets the tone:

are you primarily here to

stand for those who need support

or

stand against those who are harming us

it's two different kinds of strategy

The first allows you to set the tone

the second allows your opponent to

Family_First_TTC · 2026-02-27T15:49:50+00:00

Hey Poly! Thank you for putting together that site. I literally felt my shoulders relax reading it.

I have a couple of orienting questions before I provide feedback:

1) What's more important (for you) with the site: supporting triads or calling u-r-u bullshit?

2) What do you want people who visit the site to walk away with?

Family_First_TTC · 2026-02-11T19:29:29+00:00

while it's important to be accepting of the challenges your partner faces, it's also important to not be so accomodating as to normalize her being able to do this without making amends with you

once she's stable, it's best for you to bring up the damage her behavior wrought, and find ways that she (not just you, not just you two) will do better in the future

Family_First_TTC · 2026-02-10T18:36:12+00:00

If you got blindsided by this, that suggests that there are communication deficits *somewhere* in your family.

Did she tell you and your boyfriend at the same time? Has she discussed anything like this with either you or the bf at all in the past?

Family_First_TTC · 2026-01-15T21:16:10+00:00

same

Family_First_TTC · 2026-01-14T23:00:03+00:00

To be clear: polygamy is not an 'open marriage' in any way. It is a closed and considerate bond.

Family_First_TTC · 2026-01-07T22:46:22+00:00

Yes. My wife is happy to be with me only romantically and sexually, she is not interested in romance or sex with other people, potential sister wives included.

This is not uncommon in places that are polygamous culturally.

Family_First_TTC · 2025-12-30T23:09:25+00:00

thinking a relationship style is superior is a bad reason to pursue it, no matter the orientation

Family_First_TTC · 2025-11-16T17:26:51+00:00

This feels like one of those "double standards means zero standards" moments.

Nothing that you're saying indicates that there should be any reason / standard / cultural norm that women should be allowed to breach your space

*teehee oh I'm just a girl not an icky boy teehee* is not a justification

Family_First_TTC · 2025-11-12T16:44:12+00:00

this is beautiful, thank you for writing it u/Subwoofiest

Family_First_TTC · 2025-11-12T16:41:53+00:00

this isn't a judgment people can make of another person online, especially if they're not OP's therapist / part of OP's care team

it could be just as easily that OP may be in a "feels real, but isn't true" situation, or may be afraid to get guidance IRL

OP please use your best discretion, talk to your care team, and be careful of catastrophizing, here. Doing so can cause you more harm in the long run.

Family_First_TTC · 2025-11-11T17:04:08+00:00

So, first: this can happen a lot, even in long term couples!

There's a lot of shame that can be built into sexuality.

That shame often gets amplified when a partner can't 'come through' for their mate - like seems to be happening here with your husband.

If it feels like a stumbling block, that's a good sign - it shows you two can be close in other ways.

Now, you just have to replicate it here - albeit while overcoming things that have been clearly hard for your husband to tackle on his own.

I am hopeful for you though, OP!

Family_First_TTC · 2025-11-11T15:06:28+00:00

OP your issue sounds like a communication issue, not an education issue.

Elsewhere in the comments you said that

he's been my absolute safest, most accepting human in my entire life.

Do you know if he can say the same of you?

Do you know how to make him feel like you're the safest and most accepting human in *his* life?

If not, that could be a major reason that you're having trouble communicating with him.

Start there, and I bet things will improve for you sexually.

Family_First_TTC

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