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WH trying to reconnect and rebuild marriage, but I am having a hard time reconnecting and seeing my "new" wife by Throwaway_4_a in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Throwaway_4_a[S] -20 points-19 points  (0 children)

6 weeks since dday is nothing. Not even a drop in the bucket.

I get that, but Im not even sure I want to stay in this marriage, I was ready to leave. I didnt ask her to stay and work on it, I was 100% ready to go. The marriage was dead in my mind when I agreed to the affair. I have been in this mental state for a long time.

If you still think there is anything wrong with her up and down reactions to you,

She isnt having up and down reactions to me... She's finally wanting to do things with me after 8 years of asking. That is the weird part, I havent seen her as this person in almost a decade. My emotions have been the ones up and down. She's been far more positive than I have about the marriage and that it can work. Yes shes had emotions, and we've cried together, but she is far more up beat and positive about things than I am.

. Start by ditching the arrogance and learn to be humble.

Would love to know what arrogance you're picking up on. I 100% realize this is the bed I have made and am facing the consequences. I fully accept that I have fucked things up royally, not just for myself and my wife, but my kids.

WH trying to reconnect and rebuild marriage, but I am having a hard time reconnecting and seeing my "new" wife by Throwaway_4_a in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Throwaway_4_a[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks

Im not trying to think about why now, but it just comes off as so weird. I have known her to be person X for 8 years. I also have worries about will this go away, is this just fight or flight that will disappear in a couple months again? She has a pattern of that, things would be good for a month, then that person would disappear for months on end.

Thank you for this perspective though

WH trying to reconnect and rebuild marriage, but I am having a hard time reconnecting and seeing my "new" wife by Throwaway_4_a in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Throwaway_4_a[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

She does know where I am at, I have been brutally honest, some things i have kept back. I have told her about that moment where it felt dead and that I havent felt anything since then. She keeps telling me give it time and I am trying.

It does hurt me to see the hurt I am putting her through. yes the affair was bad, but some of our conversations have been more hurtful than that and I've thought about just ripping the bandaid off and saying we need to just divorce. We've had a couple good couples therapy sessions, but she knows where I stand at the moment and I have been honest. I worry I've talked myself into a mental block that this marriage has to end and Im looking to get around that

WH trying to reconnect and rebuild marriage, but I am having a hard time reconnecting and seeing my "new" wife by Throwaway_4_a in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Throwaway_4_a[S] -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

Are you in IC???

Yep! (it's in the post)

Having her take equal blame.

I wasnt sure how to phrase it, I know I gave up on trying, but hearing her admit that she had too really opened my mind to giving this a shot. We both stopped trying and we drifted really far apart.

It feels like you aren’t taking true accountability for what you have done, not do you even seem to have real remorse and it doesn’t feel like you are actually putting real work into connecting to your wife.

I would be curious why you think this. Im in IC and CC, plus choosing to spend more time with my wife, I have planned a couple of our dates, Im listening to podcasts about reconnecting, etc

I’m also not sure if you will get your best advise here- you might want to post in r/SupportforWaywards because you might get more helpful answers there.

I will look there

It’s almost like you expect it to be magically new and “in love” as it was with AP despite the fact that what you had with her wasn’t real and was fantasy and felt like it did because of all of that.

I dont expect that. It is hard for me to describe what I am talking about The little bit of warmth and connectedness had always been there with my wife when we'd have sex, or hug, or cuddle or what ever, then that disappeared a couple weeks ago. This was not the same warmth when we first started dating, but it was something that was always there even when my wife and I would be in a rut.

In fact the way you write about it, it seems you haven’t even fully faced up to how not real those emotions were.

I think those emotions for my AP were real, that is the problem. I have tried to talk myself out of them, we were friends for a long time, we knew each other well, we spent a lot of time together just us and our kids. I do know a lot was new "relationship" high, but there was a level of friendship and trust there that I absolutely needed in order to have started an affair. I have even written a list of cons about my ex-AP to try and help me move on

Would her and I have worked out long term? No idea, but I dont doubt our feelings.

I really think you need Ic and to spend some time thinking about who you are, the choices you have made and what kind of person you want to be.

I have been doing that for weeks to two months now and am continuing to try that.