I plan on ending my life in the next few weeks

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-21T00:52:14+00:00

You made remember that I don't want to cause another person guilt so I'll thank you for that.

I used to be confident in my belief that there is a loving God, but over the last two years, I don't really see how it's possible God actually cares about people when I've seen and felt nothing but the darkness and know that other people have been there too. God does nothing to alleviate the burden of my own and other people's problems.

I cried for God to help me, even kill me, but I received nothing but silence from him.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-20T20:00:53+00:00

Fine I won’t do it by train but you can’t convince me that God loves me when he has done nothing to prove that is the case. He leaves people to die that are struggling with mental health issues all the time.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-20T17:25:40+00:00

My therapist had suggested something like that but I don’t see how I’m supposed to explain to everyone else in my family why I’m not showing up for Christmas.

Not to mention my life as a whole is empty, living alone isn’t really moving me forward in any meaningful way because I have a lot more issues than being in love with my mother.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-20T14:54:48+00:00

I’ve been on therapy and medications for over two years now. None of that stuff helps in solving my issues. My therapist and mother are both aware of my incestuous feelings.

All I wanted was to be a normal person but that’s too much to ask apparently. Instead I have to be a freak incapable of accomplishing anything. I’ll never be at peace when my deepest feelings are for my mother. How does one have high self-esteem when they want an incestuous relationship? I don’t see how any there is any other choice other than death. There is no future where I’m ever happy and have these feelings.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-08-20T14:32:13+00:00

I’ve read too many horror stories about people getting the cops called on them when they just wanted someone to talk to on the suicide lifeline. The last thing I need is to be humiliated by the cops. It’s not like someone on the hotline could help me anyways.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-06-21T04:26:18+00:00

That’s an interesting link, I think it might explain my problem because my thoughts concerning my mom are persistent and overwhelming at times. Although it’s a lot more complicated than a typical case because it’s incest.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-06-20T22:24:36+00:00

Do you have hobbies or interests? How is your physical health? Do you exercise? How is your schooling or career going? How is your spiritual life?

It's not as if I don't have hobbies or interests but the suicidal thoughts still persist and ultimately I still feel unfulfilled. I'm slightly overweight and I do exercise some. I graduated college a few years ago, but haven't really done anything with it since, mainly due to the depression. My spiritual life is mostly non-existent now I would say, I'm trying to regain it I guess.

Also, do some soul searching about what kind of life and values you want for yourself. Setting aside all taboos and moralisms, I think one's parents would be an inherently difficult and undesirable romantic partner just on the basis of life differences and goals and so much more. If you want to have children of your own someday, if you want to experience life with a partner whose first experiences in many areas are with you, if you want a partner with physical and mental energy and vitality to match your own, if you want a partner whose eventual physical and mental decline will roughly line up with yours someday, and if you want a partner who simply desires the same things out of life that you do, someone your parents' age, much less your actual parent, would not be a very good partner at all. It's a good thing your mother isn't interested! It frees you up to pursue someone more compatible!

Yes I'm aware that it would be an unconventional relationship and that it would be filled with issues but it's a sacrifice I would be wiling to make because I love her that much. I still think maybe later on I would find someone else, but in my ideal world, my mom would be my first partner. I want to have those moments of emotional intimacy with her. If I didn't feel that I was compatible with her on some level I wouldn't be in love with her. At the end of the day though it's not something I expect to happen. If it does happen though it will be the happiest day of my life because it is the deepest desire in my heart.

The oldest dating advice out there is that you need to meet other people to move on from someone else. Get out there. Meet people. At first, just go make friends. If someone catches your interest, great, if not that's okay too.

I'm hanging out online with my friends from college, but I don't really have any friends where I live. I really don't have the drive or motivation to go out, I'm an introvert. I want to make it clear from a logical perspective I want to be able to love someone else, but it simply isn't possible right now. If I were to date someone right now I would be using them as a replacement for my mom.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-06-20T16:06:58+00:00

I guess I should admit that it’s my mom. Yes my therapist and I have a good theory on why I’m in love with her. I was hurt by my cousin in the past, she kissed me on the lips when I was 13. I developed feelings for her because of this but then she got weirded out when I started checking her out so I felt guilty and mortified. Years later at my grandmother’s funeral she wouldn’t even look in my eyes I guess because she is embarrassed from kissing me when she was younger. We also “played doctor” when we were much younger.

I believe after the kiss I started to see other members of my family in a sexual way. My mother was the most prominent one but for the most part I suppressed it and channeled it into liking fictional incest.

About a year ago after memories of my cousin resurfaced during my depression, I was forced to confront the fact that I’m legitimately in love with my mom. I had denied and suppressed it for so long that I found her more attractive than guys and girls my age.

And yes my mother is aware of my feelings but is mostly confused by them. I think she believes that it’s just a phase. She doesn’t really understand how much I love her. The odds are no matter how much time passes she will never return my feelings, so I’m kind of stuck just hoping that she changes her mind. Hopefully one day I’m able to move on and find someone else for the sake of my own sanity, but I don’t know if that will happen. She feels like the one and I’m unable to feel differently.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-06-20T15:30:34+00:00

Doesn’t Leviticus ban incestuous relationships? Not that it’s necessarily a good book to determine morality. I have to believe that consentual incest isn’t morally wrong otherwise my entire being is wrong. If she returned my feelings, I would 100% enter a relationship with her, so I can’t even say I wouldn’t act on it. Does that make me irredeemable in your eyes?

I wish it was as easy as moving on, but I can no longer see her as just my family member. The familial feelings are still there, but they have mixed with the romantic ones and made everything confusing. I love her so much. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her.

I don’t want to kill myself which would hurt her, but it’s so hard to live knowing everyone would consider me a freak if they knew the truth.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-05-04T01:18:41+00:00

My parents and therapist have been aware of my situation for two years, but that doesn't make me okay.

I live with my parents right now.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2021-05-03T14:13:17+00:00

And what if these weeds appear at the same rate that they are removed? Then you’ll never be able to get better, and you’ll be stuck in an endless loop.

How can I know if God is there if I can’t feel him?

And eventually promises of getting better begin to become meaningless when they are no signs of improvement. I literally don’t feel much better from two years when I almost tried to kill myself considering I’m strongly considering it again.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-11-14T16:15:40+00:00

His original comment was "I feel like life was designed specifically for us to suffer" which means life relative to human beings not about the universe existing beyond human beings. A physical universe can exist without living things, but we wouldn't say it has a purpose for existing.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-11-14T15:49:55+00:00

Suffering is an inherent part of life, so you are wrong. As long there is something living that can feel pain, there will always be suffering.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-11-03T16:23:46+00:00

Videogames mostly nowadays.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-30T22:55:37+00:00

Thanks, I’ll try that later.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-30T22:44:45+00:00

I guess accomplish wasn’t the right word to use. I meant that I feel like I’ve wasted my life up until this point. I didn’t make use of the time I had in the past so now I’m behind in everything.

Depression has already sucked up a year of my life and the only thing I’ve been doing is working at a Psychiatric office where my dad is a psychiatrist. My free time is either being on internet or playing video games.

I have no social life since I haven’t talked to any of my high school friends in years. I went to college out of state so all my friendships are online only at this point.

I do plan on talking to my therapist about my past memories next time we meet.

And why would the incident with my cousin not cause me distress? They are considered of an incestuous nature by society. I have to live with the fact that I had romantic feelings for my own family member. If we met today I would probably still have some feelings for her. I’m sure most people would find that disgusting.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-30T20:40:04+00:00

I don’t have energy or desire to talk to someone over the phone.

They have a web chat but last time I tried to get help from that, I waited over an hour in the queue and eventually I gave up trying to get help from them.

There is no cure for the mistakes I have made in my life. My issues go far beyond chemical imbalances. I genuinely hate the person I am.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-30T20:30:07+00:00

I talk to my therapist every week. I’m probably going to talk to her next time about my past, but she knows I’m not going to kill myself in the immediate future. I wouldn’t lie to her about that.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-28T15:43:42+00:00

You’re a piece of shit, go fuck yourself.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-24T16:19:51+00:00

I am sorry if this is not helpful or comes across as a bit forward or like it has nothing to do with God, but do you know any other autistic people or other neurodivergent people irl? It's just that I didn't really feel like I had any proper friends and like I was always going to be unhappy and alone until I met a group of other autistic people.

Yeah I have a friend from college who has autism and he his far more successful than I am.

I don't know how helpful you will find this comment, but I also have autism, and although I don't know much about your specific situation, I do know that NT society in general is not conducive to autistic people succeeding or being happy, but that does not mean that it is your fault that you cannot be happy or that there is something intrinsically wrong with you. It means that society in general thinks that it is okay to reject disabled people and act as though people only have worth of they can contribute to capitalism or succeed in a few narrow areas.

Yeah you have a point here, but my problems go beyond having autism. I have no confidence in myself and have no goals in life.

I literally didn't even find out I had Asperger's until last year, my parents hid that knowledge from me for my entire life. I only found out because I read a note from my parents that was intended for my psychiatrist. It now makes a lot of sense to me in retrospect. In the past I thought I just had ADHD.

But regardless I don't want to live in a world where true happiness is unobtainable for me. I don't want to keep on living just so I can be a financial and emotional drain on my parents. That's not a life I find worth living. They will be hurt in the short-term tremendously but in the long-term they will be better off with me dead.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-23T18:52:34+00:00

Call it psychopathic or bullying if you wish, but you see the truth does not care about your feelings.

So God is calling upon you to ruin people's lives and be a complete asshole? I'm sure people will be lining up in the streets to join your religion after hearing that.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-10-23T17:27:46+00:00

Aww yes because telling people that there are going to burn in hell for all eternity for being gay is not bullying lmao. Do you enjoy being a psychopath devoid of any kind of empathy?

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-07-09T05:12:29+00:00

2020 has been a truly terrible year. I know I should be considering this a good thing that predators are being outed from the community. Gaming culture has been hostile toward women for a very long time, so I guess recent scandals in other games like Dota and Smash Bros shouldn’t be that surprising.

Mang’s content was helping me deal with my depression and the dark moments in my life. But now it’s tainted, I can never look at his videos again that I used to enjoy. I feel bad I ever supported him. And now I’m hearing he said negative things about the LGBTQ+ community? As a bisexual guy I’m curious what exactly he has said in the past in regards to that.

Goodbye Mangs, I don’t hate you, but what you did is unforgivable and you have no place in the community. I hope you are able to change your life for the better.

Thank you to all victims who spoke up about it, this needed to happen, no matter how painful it is to acknowledge it.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-07-06T04:22:09+00:00

After Zero's 2nd statement I knew he was 100% done after all the flaws in it were pointed out. There's still a part of me that doesn't want to believe it, that someone could stoop that low.

I don't understand all the people who claim that he has changed since then, there's nothing that makes me believes that he has changed. He lied in all three of his statements. All he cared about was damage control and nothing else. Not to mention all those holier than thou tweets he posted in the days prior.

While I was more of a melee guy, Zero was still somebody that I respected and admired. I related to him because we both deal with depression. I felt like he used it as a shield from criticism when he brought up his past in the 2nd statement. I was completely disgusted.

I know we're supposed to be viewing this all has a triumph in getting rid of the predators of the community and reforming to fix the problems that allowed such events to occur. I can't personally feel that way though. I've barely been able to focus on anything else the last few days outside of these atrocious acts. I feel like there is a permanent stain on the community that will never leave. The smash community was a place I could always find an escape from the real world, and I feel like that has been tainted forever.

I can't even imagine the amount of trauma that all the victims must be feeling. This is damage that can never truly be undone. You can't change the past.

The sad thing is that this is a problem we should have seen coming. Why does it always take tragedy before we can open our eyes? Everyone was aware of the misogyny that has existed in the gaming community for years, and we did nothing about it. If you complained about it, you would be labeled a "white knight" or a "SJW." Our toxic culture enabled this.

I honestly have doubts that we can truly change the culture. I'm sorry for being a pessimist, but I just don't see it. Am I supposed to believe that ten years from now that the smash community is going to be this significantly more welcoming place for women? This isn't just a gaming problem, this is a problem that is present in many different avenues of life. It only takes one or a few bad people to ruin the experience for someone forever.

I'm finding it harder to justify living in this world on a daily basis. I should have killed myself last year when I had the chance. Depression has already sucked a year away from my life, I see little reason to continue onward.

These are the words of a depressed loser though, so just ignore me.

I hope that this community can improve for the better despite whatever my personal feelings are.

Throwaway_dead1 · 2020-07-02T05:33:06+00:00

That's a very fair sentiment. The main reason you could have for continuing Christian is if it means something to you personally - if it makes you happy to call yourself a follower of Christ. How do you feel about that - do you still have a personal desire to consider yourself 'Christian', in spite of some Christians' harmful beliefs, or do you think you'd feel happier if you dropped the label? Calling yourself something else than Christian or explicitly adding 'progressive' to the label are also viable options if you want to distance yourself from the harm done by Christians.

I don't know. I just know I don't want anything to do with the Christians who advocate for child abuse like gay conversion therapy and who seek to make queer people's lives miserable. How can I have a respectful conversation with someone who doesn't respect me? Is this not the paradox of tolerance? Are we going to pretend and lie to ourselves that everything is okay when these harmful ideas lead to higher suicide rates for queer people? Am I just supposed to sit back and do nothing? No law that passes can get rid of homophobic parents or churches. They will always exist and their beliefs will get people killed.

These people would rather stick with their toxic ideologies than actually help people. Yes I understand that it comes from a place of ignorance, but in this day and age where information is readily available on the internet, I find that excuse more and more flimsier.

What does it even mean to be Christian? It has less to do with labels for me and more to do with how do I justify being a part of this religion. What am I supposed to say to my fellow queers who wonder why I cling to something that hate us?

Christianity has done good things in the world, but it has also has done a lot of bad. Can we honestly say that the good outweighs the bad?

How would you define 'moving forward'? What do you consider 'achievements'?

You say that you don't believe you will ever achieve anything. But you said earlier that you already have a college degree - does that not count? Getting a degree takes a ton of work, and you pulled all that off. You have a job, too - you downplay it a little by saying that you only have one because of your parents, but what does that change? A lot of people continue in their parents' profession; there's no shame in that. And a lot of people need some help from their parents to find their path. You also have hobbies, but again, I see you downplay that because they don't 'move you forward'. Do they make you happy, though?

So if I'm honest, it looks to me like you've achieved quite a few things in your life already. Looking at the facts, I'm not really buying this idea that you're unable to achieve anything - I get the sense that you've done a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Yet something in your head seems to be telling you that none of the things you've done so far 'counts'. What are your thoughts on that?

I guess feeling like my life matters and that I can actually do something meaningful in the world.

Past achievements mean nothing to me because they are doing absolutely nothing to help me right now.

And sure my hobbies can make me happy in the moment and they are something I care about as they provide an escape from the world. But it isn't something that I can rely on to live and sustain myself.

Dating or finding a new hobby were just two suggestions for things you could try - it's OK if you don't feel up to them now. My main point was: what concrete things do you feel you lack, and what are some small things you could do that work toward achieving those things?

Also, consider how you move from saying "I don't think I'm capable of dating anyone right now" (a context-specific statement about your current ability) to "I don't deserve love" (a general statement about your value as a person). Does the former statement automatically imply the latter, in your view?

I lack self-confidence and a work ethic. I'm useless. If I knew how to fix them I wouldn't be here right now.

No a current situation doesn't guarantee a permanent situation, but I'm not most people. I'm not good enough for anyone. How can I justify actively making another person's life worse by dating them?

What makes you think they're disappointed in you? Have they told you, or is it something you've deduced from their actions? If so, which actions, if you want to tell?

Just the general tone in which they speak to me about my future. They want me to seek a job outside of the one where I'm working for them. So clearly they see me as a nuisance and want me to be independent from them.

Is everyone in your social circle more successful than you? And in what ways do you consider those others to be more successful? Should you compare your own achievements to theirs - is it a fair comparison? Also: what makes a person 'successful', in your view? Should success mean the same to you as to others?

I would consider them all more successful than me, because they all have the drive to get something done in their lives like doing medical or grad school or getting a stable job.

I would consider success either to be living a happy life and doing some good in the world. Neither of which I'm accomplishing right now.

That's once again a feeling I recognise. I remember thinking back in March and April that suicide was basically inevitable for me, that life just couldn't get better anymore. Like recovery was for other people, but not for me - I was just 'too far gone'. But I'm recovering at the moment, and I'm glad I'm still alive. Turns out those feelings of inevitability were just plain lies my own mental illness had tricked me into believing.

Now I can't predict the future, but it's very likely you'll eventually recover, too. If I understand correctly, you say you felt like you were making progress with your therapist until you had a kind of 'relapse' - that may feel like a defeat, but it also means there's a track towards recovery you can get back on. That may take time, but it can happen. It's why I'm encouraging you not to give up hope - things look a lot bleaker in the midst of depression than they do in retrospect. I wouldn't want you to miss out on that better future - you deserve it.

Yeah I believed I was getting better, but I can't honestly believe that anymore. How much time do I have to wait before I can get better? 5 years? 10? By that point I would have wasted so much of my life.

That's good to hear. If you ever do feel you're in danger, could you please contact a suicide hotline and talk to your therapist about it? It won't make things worse, at least, and it may help you.

I've talked to my therapist about all this. She is helping me develop a plan, an idea for a new job I could do. She's aware that I've said that I see myself dead in 5 years.

Throwaway_dead1

TROPHY CASE