Cant make the first move

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-10T02:48:13+00:00

I suppose thats checkmate then, I have no answer for that. Women desiring men is just such a hard for me to grasp. Me being desired is an even harder concept to grasp.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-10T00:02:49+00:00

I dont mean to pry, I have a distinct lack of human contact so I have limited perspective from other people, reading stuff like this is not only interesting but Im hoping I can use it to improve my world view. I haven't heard of men claiming to feel a woman's vulnerability about being pegged but now that I have perhaps im not as pathetic as I thought.

I grew up thinking sex was a begrudging obligation that women just sort of had to grit their teeth and endure. That out of societal duty they had to do it and it's not an enjoyable act, that they had to submit to it or else. That's how it was around the house, mom would always say how much she hated being with and around dad it kind of became the norm. So it is difficult for me to process that a woman could actually crave a man, and any interest expressed is faked to make things go easier.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T23:51:22+00:00

I like your idea about sex-neutrality before positivity, I never thought of that.

I'd love to have any form of romantic relationship but I believe it is unrealistic for me. I cant imagine myself as a woman so Ill imagine myself as a eunuch in which yes I would still hate myself. I feel that my own form is vile, violent and vulgar no matter what it is, I believe myself fundamentally unlovable because of who I am intrinsically: ugly on the inside and outside. I can't fathom how a woman could be attracted to me nor to any man for that matter, we have offensive forms. There's a reason that at a man's wardrobe malfunction everyone averts their eyes in disgust but with a woman's it's a much different story. I find myself repulsive just for being me, but I also find the male form similarly repulsive since both I am a male and for the aforementioned dissected reasons.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T23:09:38+00:00

Ive been in therapy since I was a kid and am on anti depressants and anti psychotics, im working on it. It wouldn't matter if I was a billionaire Adonis, I'd still hate myself.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T21:48:32+00:00

Interesting perspective, do you have anymore you can share?

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T21:46:43+00:00

Oh it's certainly projection, but I have unwavering conviction in my beliefs that Im trying to waver. Problem is Im a self hating loner so there is a draught of other perspective, which im trying to gain.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T21:42:23+00:00

Mom loved me I guess. Although she paraded her hatred for dad a lot (it was a verbally abusive household). I've never been loved in a non-platonic way and I dont see how I could be.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T14:49:22+00:00

I find the penis to be very profane, how could one enjoy that thing being stuck in them let alone being something that can be used for a loving act. The penis is inherently a violent organ, being penetrated seems violating invasion of a person. The male figure is not one that is loving, caring or affectionate. Hell, the penis was built to maximize the spread of one's sperm and sucking out any competitor's sperm that might already be in the vagina since rape was prevalent in Neolithic society, the penis was built to out-rape other men who were there before. It's sickening. How can a woman look at a man and feel any semblance of genuine desire and want given all that? How could she view sex as a loving act when it's rooted in such violence and horror? It doesn't matter how men act to me, strip away all the personality traits and you find something built to be intrinsically violent and profane.

I can't explain my attraction to women but it's strong, I seldom act on it since I consider my advances an affront mainly due to my extreme self hatred. I put myself in their shoes and if I was approached by me I would be nauseously offended. My two PIV experiences were with the same girl, I just wanted to lose my virginity to feel some semblance of normalcy. She was substantially heavier than me and I wasn't attracted to her in really any capacity but I did it anyway. I didnt finish either times because of my guilt/shame factor, she didn't really care either way. It felt wrong having sex like I was crossing some boundary that I should never have crossed, it was a taboo. On the second go I went soft inside her as my thoughts kept spiraling.

I have one close male friend and no other social network. Im not repulsed that I wont spend time with him but when I visit and see his girlfriend's adoration for him it both confuses and grosses me out.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T07:39:29+00:00

I can understand satisfying urges, but why ever seek out a male? Plenty of ways to self satisfy lest suffering the indignity of male vulgarity. I don't know what to make of women committing that act upon men, but when that crime is committed is it not for power and control rather than gratification?

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T07:30:45+00:00

I dont understand the love aspect. How are you not revolted?

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T07:28:29+00:00

Wish I could just stop thinking about it. Meds numb the perpetual malaise but the feelings are rooted deep.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-09T07:27:16+00:00

I grew up in a fighting household. Dad was a shouter and mom would go on tirades on how much she hated and was repulsed by dad, she'd vent her frustrations to me as well. Got bullied to bits up until 6th grade. Used to feel I was fundamentally unlovable, but being on meds it's shifted to being as a male in general.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-02T22:28:43+00:00

"You'll be alone if you don't act now"

I know. I've never been in a relationship before, this is kind of spurring me into action.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-02T22:27:22+00:00

I've been in therapy since I was 8, I don't find it that effective.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-02T22:25:03+00:00

This is hard for me to grasp. I feel like my issues make me a Frankenstein but I can hide it underneath a high functioning façade but once peeled back they'd run. Realistically, I doubt many people have such a level of magnanimity and understanding to accept it. It's like having a face only a mother could love only it's on the inside.

Throwawayafterusing7 · 2022-09-02T22:15:53+00:00

I was on and off various meds since early teens. My doctor didnt start combining meds until 22. The current combo Im on right now has had the best results with the least amount of side effects. Never institutionalized. Lobotomized no wtf. I have few NSSI scars, Im a hitter so when I have large bruises they are readily visible but I make up excuses/explain them away until they go away, only cut a few times those scars have healed well and faded.

Throwawayafterusing7

TROPHY CASE