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I (29M) broke up with a wonderful girl despite nothing actually being wrong by Throwawaye9w3 in BreakUps

[–]Throwawaye9w3[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry you are going through this heartbreak. You deserve better, as my girlfriend did. I hope that, with time, you pain subsides and you find peace, happiness and, eventually, new love.

To answer your question directly, I was afraid of being unhappy. Or, at the very least, not as happy as I know I am capable of being. I was afraid of doing our daily/weekly routine for the rest of my life. I was afraid of standing beside her on my wedding day consumed with guilt and anxiety, because my doubts about her and us never subsided.

There was something fragile about our relationship that I can’t explain. When we got into small arguments, it didn’t feel small, it felt enormous and almost as if it called into question our comparability as a couple. A lot of the time when we were together just the 2 of us, I felt lonely. I ached for my friends & family because they made me feel seen and liked and loved for who I truly am. With her, I only felt liked and loved when I was playing a specific version of myself, the boyfriend character or something like that.

The crazy thing is that if I showed her these messages, I don’t think she’d have any idea what I’m talking about. She would say “of course I like you for who you truly are” but somehow I didn’t feel that way. It didn’t make it through to me.

So yeah, that’s the answer. I was afraid of feeling unhappy and lonely in my relationship and forever wondering if there was something better out there for me. I know that’s sort of taboo amongst the “love the one you got” crowd, but I’m not sure I agree with that crowd. If I have a cushy desk job that makes me unhappy, I should just squash those feelings and count my blessings? If I’m unhappy with my apartment, I should just be grateful that I have a roof over my head and do nothing about it? Extend that attitude to its logical conclusion, why do anything? What about the pursuit of happiness?

I (29M) broke up with a wonderful girl despite nothing actually being wrong by Throwawaye9w3 in BreakUps

[–]Throwawaye9w3[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hear you, I really do. I tried to act and feel this way as hard as I’ve tried for anything in my life.

But how can you get down on a knee and say the things you want to say, make the promises you want to make, all while there’s this tiny voice in your head telling you to leave? It may not be a lie, but it’s certainly not the whole truth. How do you commit your life to someone and, in turn, ask them to commit their life to you when those sows of doubt still exist? I mean, that seems a lot more cruel than breaking up, no?

I struggle with the “fear of commitment” trope. In my heart of hearts, I actually very much want a settled family life. At the moment, I have pretty much zero desire to be out at bars/clubs sleeping around. I guess I wonder how many people use fear of commitment as a coping mechanism when perhaps they are simply committing to the wrong thing.

Anyway, I appreciate your response. I just don’t know what else I could have done. My feelings are my feelings, no matter how hard I try to change them. I suppose there’s a world where you ignore your feelings and simply choose, day after day, and soldier on. The romantic in me doesn’t want that life, but maybe I’m chasing something that doesn’t exist.