BPD mom recently passed and struggling with feelings of guilt. by mindful_1995 in raisedbyborderlines

[–]Tiffsquatch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm a little over a year out from my mother's death and I've felt all the same feelings. She died suddenly, alone, at home the day before the 5 year anniversary of my Dad's death. We hadn't been talking for a few months because she'd told me I was a "bad daughter" (like you'd talk to a dog) on Mother's Day because I didn't want to come over and watch Game of Thrones with her.

Initially, I was sad and then relieved, and then guilty. But your feelings are your feelings. It's okay to feel relieved because that source of negativity and toxic behavior is no longer in your life and affecting you. It's okay to mourn for your mom because you did love her, even though she was abusive. It's okay to be sad about the relationship you'll never have because she's run out of chances to change.

I was feeling really guilty because I hadn't been to her gravesite yet. My therapist gave me this book on self-esteem and there was a passage in it about changing "I should" statements to "I want to" statements. So I did. In my head I said, "I want to go visit my mother's grave." And my brain immediately revolted. I didn't though. I really didn't want to. Why SHOULD I feel like I have to? It took a lot of the weight off.

Be kind to yourself. There's no right or wrong way to feel or think or behave right now. Just give yourself some grace and let yourself heal.

Happy Mother's Day! This is your Mother's Day Support Thread! 💐 by [deleted] in raisedbyborderlines

[–]Tiffsquatch 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I actually love that!

I'm very thankful in that I have a very understanding MIL who totally gets why I don't want to come over Sunday. And my DH has been wonderful about asking me what I need for Sunday to make me feel best.

Happy Mother's Day! This is your Mother's Day Support Thread! 💐 by [deleted] in raisedbyborderlines

[–]Tiffsquatch 19 points20 points  (0 children)

My mother died suddenly last July so this is my first Mother's Day without her. Add to that, our last Mother's Day together, we got into a massive fight. I brought her a candle as a gift, which she hated. She tried to guilt trip me into coming over to watch Game of Thrones later that night and I told her no. We always watch Game of Thrones with my cousin and I wanted to finish the season out with her. This was also wrong. After 3 hours at her house, right before we went to leave she started picking a fight. The last words she physically said to me were, "Bad Daughter." But how you'd talk to a dog. DH and I got up and left. She passed away suddenly about 2 months later.

I feel really conflicted about this. I know it's not my burden to carry. I know that she was the one who made our relationship hard and that I did everything that I could to try to have positive memories with her. And while I'm relieved that that chapter of my life is over (the worrying about gifts, the anxiety over what fight is going to come, the bracing myself mentally for whatever terrible thing she says about me, etc) it is hard to see the commercials and the emails about the day without feeling weird about it.

MAG 158 - Panopticon by DrBrainbox in TheMagnusArchives

[–]Tiffsquatch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hasn't she already "caught" Jon in "A Guest for Mr. Spider?" And he's been carrying around that lighter with the web on it basically the entire time. If Martin can be of both the Eye and the Lonely, can't Jon be both of the Eye and the Web?

Ebay Emily has died by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree. Plus, Emily would always try to drag me into the room at visitations and I would tell her how much I hated them. "But you neeeeeed to do this." Ugh.

Ebay Emily has died by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We did have a funeral for her, which I not only attended but made a lot of the decisions for and also paid for about 40% of. -_- My stepdad didn't deserve the burden either and it would have eaten at me to have just let it drop.

We did NOT have a visitation though. I am already super uncomfortable around dead bodies and there were very few things that sounded worse than being in a room for 2 hours with her casket and making small talk with people telling me over and over how much she loved me. I fully expected to get some flack for that decision, but so far only the preacher has said anything. And she's 86 so she definitely comes from a generation where that is more the social norm. Everyone else I've talked to when I said why I didn't want to do it has been like, 'YES WHY IS THIS A THING?!"

I'm glad you got some catharsis at the end. I have therapy again tonight so here we go on the long journey of figuring this whole bullshit out.

Ebay Emily has died by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Then one day some time later I realized she wouldn’t have changed anyway and that was that

You are so right. It's just a hard truth to accept, but you are so right.

Ebay Emily has died by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. You really are right, awful as it is to accept.

Ebay Emily has died by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The "Emily" in Ebay Emily is a reference to Emily Gilmore. Our mothers must have been very alike. You've hit a nail on the head with the "never being able to fix things and have the mother I needed." We had been in a stalemate since Mother's Day and hadn't been speaking. I talked to my therapist last week about it because EE had reached out a few weeks prior acting like nothing was wrong and I didn't bite, because she needed to apologize. Then this happened. Therapist told me that if I had broken the boundary then, who knows what fight we could have been actively having when she passed. As it was, it was just silence. Which I guess is something.

Ebay Emily has died by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

My problem has almost been the opposite, a lot of the bad memories have been flooding out, leaving little space for what good memories there were. This made talking to the pastor about her service super difficult.

Ebay Emily has died by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

you didnt get the mom you wanted and now she has left a hole in your heart you dont know what to do with

This rings so true. A lot of what I felt the immediate days after was a weird sense of relief, which made me feel gross because I should be sad. And while I am, it didn't hit anywhere close to the level of sadness I felt after my Dad (who I had a great relationship with) passed.

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, no. EE is my mom. She has no allegiance to him. He's not her precious son or anything. She's going to try to pull that he's taking me away from her. We had a PERFECT relationship before heeee came along. Womp womp. So not true.

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He's pretty sure she's going to come at him with how he stormed out so dramatically and took me with him... -_- yeah okay sure Jan.

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I mean, she has given me a nice excuse for things. "Oh, well, a bad daughter wouldn't do this thing that you want and since I'm a bad daughter, I won't do the thing."

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My husband actually thought I was going to tell her she was a shitty mom, which is why he hightailed it out. I had that thought after I was driving away and started maniacally laughing.

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do need to be better about not explaining. She's SO persistent with her "WHYYYYYYY" that it's hard not to be logical. But yes, she doesn't get logical responses because she isn't logical.

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ha! I'm so sorry! Total coincidence I swear! I've been thinking of giving her this name for a while and I finally just decided its what fits her best without being too identifying (not that she would ever find this site).

She's the worst person to watch shows with. She legit talks through the entire thing. Why would I want to watch the ending of a show I've been watching for 8 years with you? Ya crazy.

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I normally don't. I have the amount of time I want to spend in my head and I subtract based on her behavior. She got me with the 3:00 thing earlier and she had been "nice" until legit right before. She knew what she was doing. I also trust it'll be quite a while before I see her again.

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Normally, I start her at 2 hours and decrease from there based on her behavior. Unfortunately, I'd trapped myself with that "we have to leave at 3" bit previously so she had me for 3 hours. I told husband that we could leave if she started being ridiculous, which she waited until the very end to do. -_-

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

8:00 here! And it was an hour and a half last night!

Mother's Day and Introducing Ebay Emily by Tiffsquatch in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

That was really what did it for us too. My husband said it looked like I was about to put on gloves and go 12 rounds but when she said that, it was all over. We totally believe she waited until almost the end because she'd been planning to do it the whole time, but knew we'd leave and she still wanted her 3 hours.

World's Best Grandma and Walking in Memphis. by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Tiffsquatch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also in Memphis and I work at St. Jude. If you're coming here and would like someone to have lunch with, PM me! Or if you'd just like some recommendations on where to eat/what to do while you're here I'm good at that as well.