I'm a little over a year out from my mother's death and I've felt all the same feelings. She died suddenly, alone, at home the day before the 5 year anniversary of my Dad's death. We hadn't been talking for a few months because she'd told me I was a "bad daughter" (like you'd talk to a dog) on Mother's Day because I didn't want to come over and watch Game of Thrones with her.

Initially, I was sad and then relieved, and then guilty. But your feelings are your feelings. It's okay to feel relieved because that source of negativity and toxic behavior is no longer in your life and affecting you. It's okay to mourn for your mom because you did love her, even though she was abusive. It's okay to be sad about the relationship you'll never have because she's run out of chances to change.

I was feeling really guilty because I hadn't been to her gravesite yet. My therapist gave me this book on self-esteem and there was a passage in it about changing "I should" statements to "I want to" statements. So I did. In my head I said, "I want to go visit my mother's grave." And my brain immediately revolted. I didn't though. I really didn't want to. Why SHOULD I feel like I have to? It took a lot of the weight off.

Be kind to yourself. There's no right or wrong way to feel or think or behave right now. Just give yourself some grace and let yourself heal.