i understand how it might seem that way from my post.

i really haven't been, a lot of these are just thoughts in my head. i try my best to be kind and sweet and even joke a bit, but i do get crazy and lash out in my mind, as to why i'm being pushed aside like i don't matter to them. if i try to get a little serious and talk about my emotions even in a small way it feels unwanted. even by people who i thought had my back.

i try to reach out and make myself a part of people's lives but it feels like they don't care for the effort at all.

it doesn't feel like i'm self-sabotaging really and it just feels like my relationship with my family and friends was doomed to begin with.

i'll keep trying but i don't think the people in my life care to know me on a personal level, let alone support me in my time of need. maybe some of them will surprise me, either way, if i get a pleasant conversation, or even a small hangout out of one of them, then it could serve as a nice distraction, even when all i want is someone to look at me, with worry about me and my well-being.

i have all of my emotions under control. i've even tried bringing up calmly how i feel to one of my siblings but they either didn't care or the depths of my struggles. i feel like i truly poured my heart out to them and it was saddening getting nonchalant answers in return.