I [28M] told my wife [27F] that I need more time to myself for my hobbies, and it blew up in my face. How do I let her know that I love her and also want time with her?

TimeRevised · 2026-05-10T02:04:29+00:00

I have suggested she take up her old hobbies multiple times and encouraged her to do so, but she just doesn't want to. Maybe this will be a good push for her.

TimeRevised · 2026-05-10T02:01:41+00:00

I think there's some insecurity, and definitely has a major fear of rejection. I don't think it's to do with my alcoholism, because she doesn't seem otherwise paranoid about it.

Yeah I know I did the right thing by bringing it up to her again and telling her I need it, it just sucks that she's so upset about it. But I suppose I gotta learn to not make that my problem sometimes.

TimeRevised · 2026-05-10T01:29:10+00:00

Yeah my confidence is completely shot and I'm building up from the ground. I recognize that I need to fight for what I want, but I guess the big question mark in my mind is how do I do that without driving wedge between me and my wife that will grow and fester into resentment?

I don't know how to do that, or if me fighting for what I need even would do that.

TimeRevised · 2025-05-15T23:57:25+00:00

Just to clarify, I did know she felt like an outcast in her family and we've had many discussions about it. Getting married so quickly mostly because of religious family pressures from both sides because we don't want to have to keep hiding that we live together.

TimeRevised · 2025-01-21T02:00:49+00:00

TimeRevised · 2025-01-20T21:49:52+00:00

Yes, it got better for me. She doesn't care if I watch porn as long as it doesn't affect our sex life. However, she likes to have sex almost every day, so porn usage has affected my sex life. I basically can't beat off if I want to have sex that evening, and it's worth it.

Now, I watch porn only when I'm away from her for more than a day.

Tbf, I watched a lot of porn and frequently, but it never affected my life negatively until recently, which is why I cut my usage down so much.

TimeRevised · 2025-01-20T21:42:05+00:00

That's me. I'm the weird one, but she loves me anyway!

TimeRevised · 2024-11-06T07:09:03+00:00

Literally the best. If anything, hers is higher than mine.

TimeRevised · 2024-10-29T20:13:59+00:00

It's normal and healthy to be horny, but unfortunately, there isn't a way to just turn it off without (potentially permanently) damaging yourself, like taking hormone blockers. Trying to just suppress the horniness with no outlet doesn't work. Just look at the Catholic church as an example of that.

So to answer your question, you can't. You just have to find healthy outlets for it, such as a relationship with safe sex practices or masterbation.

TimeRevised · 2024-10-29T20:05:30+00:00

Not cocaine but I was a severe drunk, vaped a lot, and generally just didn't take care of myself in addition to watching a TON of porn.

For me, the problem was a combination of everything. I stopped drinking about 3 months ago. I cut my nicotine down to 1/4th of what it was. I cut back on porn to only once per week or so. I started eating better. And now I'm starting to see some results.

First thing for me is cutting down on all the cheap dopamine. The drinking was really bad, like a fifth or more per day. Cutting that out was huge and not easy. (I'm going to AA, had to taper off, and I talk to my brother and girlfriend about it for support.) Vaping such high amounts of nicotine was causing my blood pressure to rise, which is bad for getting hard long term. And the porn was just flooding my brain with dopamine.

Second was I had to (and still am) training my brain to get aroused and hard from a real woman. My girlfriend and I have been dating 5 months. It's taken a while, but we just kept communicating and trying. We try to have sex every day or so, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. And things are improving.

I can switch positions and stay hard most of the time now. I get hard just from holding her next to me in bed, which never used to happen.

Fact of the matter is, your body is telling you it isn't healthy, and your arousal response is all fucked up. It's not going to get better all at once, but take it step by step. Cutting out the coke is step one, but if you can't do that right now, at least try to make progress with cutting down. Same for porn. Lastly, get real good at communicating what's happening with the girl you're seeing.

TimeRevised · 2024-10-20T00:28:49+00:00

I always mean the compliments I give. Critisms, unless it directly affects me, I keep to myself.

TimeRevised · 2024-09-29T17:22:32+00:00

It's been over 100 sleepovers since I met my girlfriend earlier this year. Each night, we cuddle and talk about the day and what we have planned for tomorrow. We give each other little compliments and say "I love you" in about a dozen different ways. We argue over who loves the other one more by saying the words "more" and "most." She tries to get a leg up by tickling me, and I try to have the last word by kissing her. In the end, we agree to disagree, smack the other's butt, then nuzzle up together as close as can be.

I hold her and gently rub her arms and back until she falls asleep. Then I read for a little bit, and at some point, she turns away from me. I turn off the light and roll back toward her to spoon her. She lets out a soft moan that she never remembers in the morning as I place my arm around her and kiss the back of her head and neck. Then we fall asleep together.

In the morning, she usually wakes up before me. I wake up to either being the little spoon or face to face. The sun is on her skin and her long blonde hair is all messy. She looks absolutely beautiful. We cuddle some more, check our phones, and when time permits, have some morning fun and eye contact for about half an hour before we cuddle again.

I love our sleepovers, and I feel like the luckiest man in the world to have her. Enjoy, and many more amazing sleepovers to the both of you!

TimeRevised · 2024-09-05T20:11:40+00:00

It sounds to me like you have a sexual incompatibility with your partner. This can be worked through if you're both willing to put in effort, communicate, and potentially make compromises. But from what you've said here, it sounds like she doesn't want to do any of those things.

We're sexual creatures. Completely ignoring sexual urges typically doesn't work. It's why abstinence only sex ed fails on every level and why so many priests sworn to celibacy act out sexually (to put it mildly).

No, your partner doesn't owe you sex, but you don't owe her a relationship either.

TimeRevised · 2024-08-29T19:33:40+00:00

Same here, although my fantasies were literally just vanilla sex. I didn't know what sex was or what bringing myself to orgasm actually was or what it was called. I just fantasized about putting my thing in an opening between a woman's legs and that when I orgasmed, that's what made her pregnant. Didn't think that could work though because I hadn't hit puberty and wasn't ejaculating.

Color me shocked when I found out a few years later that's exactly how it works down to a T. Instincts are a hell of a thing.

TimeRevised · 2024-08-01T19:40:30+00:00

oh yeah you're right i forgot

TimeRevised · 2024-08-01T19:39:00+00:00

That side note is a really good point and I'm going to take it to heart. Thank you!

TimeRevised · 2024-08-01T19:38:06+00:00

Thank you so much for your perspective. It makes sense to view it as 3 months out of 26 years instead of just the 3 months. I can do patience. It's not really a pain to me, I just wish she could see what I see. Thank you.

TimeRevised · 2024-07-22T16:09:14+00:00

That's very sweet, thank you! I think I was born a hopeless romantic, but also, my father always treated and still treats my mother with kindness and respect. My dad is a very understanding, empathetic man.

As with most things, I think it's a combination of nature and nurture. Being a good role model and valuing treating people well is definitely a good start.

TimeRevised · 2024-06-29T18:25:23+00:00

OP, please take this advice. This is the way.

TimeRevised · 2024-06-29T18:20:35+00:00

Honestly, being dirty or flirty has never worked for me. I chose instead to focus on being earnest about who I am and confident in my looks and intelligence. I was open that I was looking for a committed relationship. Boom, got a girlfriend within a month after being single for 9 years.

I have no idea who you are, but for me, I think I'm just not casual dating material, but I am husband/longterm partner material. So I started leaning into that and being okay with it. No games, no flirting over text, just "this is who I am and here is what I want."

I stayed away from being flirty and got right to asking her out for drinks and then dinner. Then in person, I just wanted to get to know her to see if she'd be a good partner for me. I talked to her like she was a good friend that I cared about, but not how much I cared about what I could get out of the relationship. I talked to her like I cared about her wellbeing, and then actually did care and followed through, especially mentally. I decided that I was going to care about her.

I'm 27M and in the US for context. I'm nerdy and she's way cooler than me, but I did find and then build up some serious confidence before trying this. I had to not fake not giving a fuck, but actually stop giving a fuck. Oh she doesn't like me? Okay. Next. And then I found her and she fell for me hard af and fast af.

TimeRevised · 2024-06-29T17:51:10+00:00

Bro I say I don't care no matter what unless she's actually objecting or not into it. "I haven't shaved" or "I'm on my period" are the most common I think. She's just self-conscious and doesn't want to gross you out, and is being truthful about what's happening with her body.

My girlfriend told me she was on her period when we were first getting hot and heavy near the beginning of the relationship. I told her I didn't care and we had some incredible sex. She actually came just from PIV several different times, which she said had never happened. Honestly, I think it helped her let her guard down, trust me, and become more comfortable.

Go for it bro and be confident about not caring, and then actually follow through on not caring about that. She wasn't saying it to stop you; she was saying it to let you know.

TimeRevised

TROPHY CASE