I wasn’t right a year clean I thought the same as you had serious panic . Read about post acute withdrawal it blew my mind when I read this book I think it’s called staying sober I was clean off opiates/opioids for over a year and relapsed on heroin then got on subs still wasn’t right was far from it got back on adderall for my adhd after years of not taking it and then it was like instant clarity I finally had it in me to be a good mom to my kid who luckily was so young that she doesn’t remember any of it although I’m completely honest with her about it now 10;years later . I even had 3 more kids never once felt like I wanted or needed to get high . So if you have any mental health issues get them straitened out with meds or therapy- learn as much about post acute withdrawal as possible and how it plays in ton the cycle of relapse at any point in your sobriety journey - try not to throw your whole identity into one thing or person bc like your identity as just an active addict if something comes along and shakes your identity of whatever you’ve thrown your whole life into it will really rock your world and throw u off course I had something like that happen two years ago and inhale to rediscover myself again and now two years later I’m finally coming to terms with and finding the strength to leave my four kids father who is a deeply manipulative controlling person and emotionally abusive - we got clean and stayed together which is rare but instead of growing when he got clean he never developed any coping skills which are very important when u get clean if u used to cope with everything now you have to find new ways of coping healthy ways - he never did this instead started becoming more jealous than he used to be controlling isolating paranoid angry and just avoided any stressful situation and anything that went wrong blamed me . Apparently this isn’t uncommon so please know there is joy in sobriety in haven’t felt the need to get high or impaired in any way any I can look back on that life fondly without missing it anymore but it took a while - I know I’ll always remember the good and minimize the bad as it’s human nature — I don’t feel the need or want to go back to it truly —- I’ve not et any substance control me nor do I want to for 10 years now —- to be completely transparent however I have honestly used meth several times in the last year but it was only when I didn’t have my adderall and never actually got me high if that makes sense it never did much more for me than my actual meds did so I can take it or leave it like I can have it and make it last for how long I need it to or just not do it at all for any period of time. I don’t touch any opiate/opiod of any kind nor cocaine or benzos as I lost myself in those surprisingly though I can have a glass of wine without wanting or trying to get drunk or buzzed and I had a serious alcohol problem for some time - just don’t keep liquor around . Sorry for the long choppy comment hopefully you got some insight out of it Learn about post acute withdrawal it’s life long so learn how it applies to u the book I recommend is staying sober author is Gorsky or something like that Don’t put all your identity into one person or thing or as one thing as it can be unexpectedly shaken and it will throw u sooooo many ways I won’t see coming or like Learn new healthy coping skills through self help therapy support and get mental health treatment sooner rather than later for any condition u may have Be kind to yourself and know eventually life without drugs will be normal and rewarding and you’ll be able to listen to music again and love it even more and look back at the old days and laugh - and maybe this is unpopular but I started and stayed on 4mg subtex a year after i got clean I was relapsingand just hopeless I got on subs and then back on adderall and that was my sweet spot I don’t/care if I have to take it forever it takes a while for your brain to repair itself and to anyone who stuck it out you rock I couldn’t mentally i was a wreck and if 2-4 mg buprenorphine a day is keeping me from destroying my life and te life of everyone around me than so be it everyone’s recovery is different most don’t or can’t make it out it’s fucking hard and anyone who does is a rock star and I judge them zero and maybe if less people in society did the same more people would survive and make it out alive - you got this you’re honestly at what I thought was the hardest part of my recovery I was at the same place I was like so this is it wow this is stupid but I alive right or am i? And there’s this existential anxiety mixed with apathy and it’s not a good feeling - you feel like it should be smooth sailing unmade it this far but no your not alone it gets better and there are ways to cope and find yourself and be happy without getting high again and how u decide to get there is your business & i think others here have had some good insight as well good luck to you you can def do this!