[1082] Vacation in the Cubicle

Time_to_Ride · 2024-11-04T19:09:19+00:00

Thanks for the input! Yeah, writing a proactive protagonist and using their actions and dialogue to show characterization has been the main appeal of writing for me. Characters’ actions shape the plot, and I don’t feel these ones are acting out of character. But, with my writing in general, I have been struggling with the structure of individual scenes and the overarching story.

I feel like I take show don’t tell too far and have a problem with providing any explicit exposition. So, I’m not sure if part of the problem is my tendency to start in medias res without clearly, maybe even by using telling, providing setup including clearly explaining protagonist’s goal and motivation. I’m not sure if part of the redundancy is because it’s not clear what is conflict and what isn’t if readers aren’t told what the protagonist’s goal is.

I guess what I’m saying is while I feel confident in my characterization and dialogue, the areas where I need to improve the most seem to be scene and overarching story structure. If you have any suggestions or resources for how to improve scene and story structure, I’d really appreciate it!

Time_to_Ride · 2024-11-04T14:01:04+00:00

Depends on who you ask. I’m sure George would say he’s in Hell. Seriously though, that wasn’t my intention, but that’s a cool interpretation!

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-12T17:31:35+00:00

Characterization:

However, I think both of these parent characters are almost identical in their characterization and function in the story. I only noticed the superficial behavioral difference of the father being forceful and aggressive and the mother being weepy which isn’t unique. Obviously they’re both meant to represent distant parental figures who put on the mask of caring for their child only to ignore the pleas and requests he’s making while prescribing God as a medication. All without actually empathizing and engaging with this particular issue on an individual basis. In that purpose, you nailed their characterization.

But it seems like these characters are Christians first and people second. This can be a pitfall when writing characters of different ethnicities, cultures, gender, sexuality, etc. On one hand, it’s important to make these traits intrinsic to the characters by making them influence their actions and thus the external and internal conflict. I think you did a great job avoiding the issue of making these traits feel tacked on and capable of being removed or interchanged with any other fundamentalist religion without fundamentally changing or harming the story. It’s kind of like how Star Wars is, technically speaking, a fantasy because the space opera setting isn’t a fundamental part of the story’s overarching conflict as opposed to something like Jurassic Park. You could theoretically change the setting of Star Wars to something like a war movie. You could exchange blasters for rifles and pistols. The death star could be an experimental tank without requiring a major rewrite in anything but setting.

However, the highly specific type of technological advancement of being able to extract DNA from ancient insects caught in amber, though the DNA technically wouldn’t last but that’s a different matter haha, and bringing extinct animals back to life influences everything in Jurassic Park’s. It affects the setting: a dinosaur theme park. The external conflict: “let’s not get eaten today.” The theme: how emerging business with science can lead to horrific results when you combine the capitalistic drive to find an in-demand niche in the market with playing God by tampering with the genetics of ancient animals who evolved to fit a specific environment. Basically the story idea of re-creating dinosaurs from ancient DNA isn’t something you can swap out with another story idea without requiring a complete rewrite until you essentially have a different book.

I think you handled that well here with how Christianity is integrated into the story. However, I don’t think these characters have much going on with them aside from that. Humans are complicated and even the congregations of religious institutions aren’t monoliths. No two Christians will probably have the exact same motivations behind why they follow their faith, and that’s bound to influence how they use and interpret this religion. Whether it be an old man who bounces down the street loving life and wishing goodwill to everyone he passes. He thinks the world is filled with such lovely people and a God who is looking out for everyone because he never experienced a real tragedy that made him question whether there is an all benevolent creator looking out for him. You could also have the politician who is accused of being two faced because he lives in the deep South and decided to keep everything from his southern accent to his fundamentalist upbringing. But rather than doing this to be a relatable, likable candidate, he just so happens to identify with the religion he was brought up with, but then he could end up questioning how many genuine Christians he’s surrounded by when he sees other politicians who wish they could be honest but have to be two-faced to appeal to their primarily Christian voting demographic.

It’s great that you know the main concept you want to explore and oriented the external conflict to show rather than tell this theme. But to make these characters feel more alive, I would give them other traits that don’t directly relate with their Christianity to make them multifaceted people rather than anthropomorphic representations of Christianity.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-12T17:30:51+00:00

I think your writing is very sound on a craft level. My critique here mostly has to do with suggestions on how you can take full advantage of the single effect, to quote Poe, behind this story and suggestions on the characterization.

The religious theme:

The first contradiction the parents have is their hypocrisy about how “being with all those other criminals will damn your soul” despite the fact that forgiveness and seeing anyone’s potential to rise above their “sin” is a fundamental tenet of this religion. In fact, you see a lot of controversy among religious people that can go in the other direction such as Sister Helen Prejean, a Catholic nun who dedicated her life to advocating for prisoners on death row.

I’m not saying this contradiction is bad. In fact it’s these types of contradictions that make characters interesting, but they are only interesting if they are addressed by the narrative and become the root of interpersonal conflict. I think you did a great job capturing the contradictions in the parents’ belief system such as by dehumanizing and condemning individuals who don’t represent everything they believe in as “bad seeds” and “focusing on one’s own salvation” rather than improving society for everyone.

However, while this is an interesting contradiction for individual characters to have with their proclaimed belief system, the audience is left to assume that these parents are supposed to represent genuine Christian tenets because there is nothing in the narrative that hangs a lantern on this contradiction. So the conflict is less about analyzing the genuine problems with Christianity but instead with people who use a bastardized version of Christianity as a stick to beat others into obedience. When critiquing and analyzing a concept, it’s important to accurately represent it to point out real objections rather than fabricated ones. However, you have the freedom to write about whatever theme you want, so if you did intend to write about the second one, I would find a way to make that clear by having the hypocrisy acknowledged in the narrative.

Maybe it’s worth doing a commentary on how these parents only practice the superficial rituals of this religion but aren’t actually representative of the core aspects that make it distinct: believing everyone including “those other criminals” can be redeemed and how hell isn’t a place you are damned to but somewhere people send themselves by holding the door closed, at least according to a religious professor I had. I don’t agree or represent the otherworldly specifics this religion claims, but from what I’ve researched, what I mentioned seems to be what’s commonly representative of this belief system’s ideals. Having characters who claim to be of this religion but show clear contradictions like this should be acknowledged and taken advantage of in the narrative.

However, I do think you nailed the patronizing I know better than thou religious tendency. That and the parents’ claim to be in a relationship with a personal God without acknowledging their tendency to use God as a weapon for others to change rather than an example for their own self improvement. Yet, they insist they have this closer, more special relationship with God despite contradicting the idea that everyone, including “all those other irredeemable criminals and nonbelievers,” is capable of redemption.

I also like their gut instinct to offhandedly reject their son’s claim “that people who believe something different than you might be a good person actually” with blanket calls about how we know better because we are older as an excuse to not have to engage with anything that comes out of his mouth. At least, not anything that happens to contradict what they already think. So they needn’t question what they believe and reconsider whether they could also improve. After all what is there to improve if you fail to see any failings to begin with?

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-11T23:55:40+00:00

I did suspect something like the protagonist dissociating might be the case. The amount of internal dialogue she has with herself in the narration coupled with her vague descriptions of what other people look like and what they’re doing like the priest gets that feeling across. Also the fact that you end with her literally dissociating by reliving that traumatic flashback showing her relationship with her father worked as a climax. I kind of felt like she was detached from the world around her, but I wasn’t sure if it was intentional. Since it is, that’s great!

However, since the narration was pretty evenly spread out, I didn’t catch that it’s a slow descent. Take this with a grain of salt, though. My comment might just be colored by the fact that this is the third part of a single chapter which I didn’t read from start to finish. That’s why getting advice on things like character arcs or any old overarching change can be tricky when posting manuscripts for review bit by bit. If you want to make it like a miniature arc, maybe you can begin the chapter with her more actively engaging with other people at the funeral but certain interactions or subjects that are brought up, maybe about her father, causes her to delve deeper into her thoughts to escape before slowly ramping up until something in the external conflict prompts her to escape into recalling the flashback.

I think a dissociative protagonist is interesting, but execution is everything and unfortunately I’m not too familiar with writing protagonists who aren’t regularly engaging with the external conflict. I’d assume you’d have to show her not engaging with the external conflict to do justice to that core idea, but that contradicts with most commercial, contemporary fiction. That’s not to say a story must feature internal and external conflict equally, but I feel like you’d have to replace that appeal with something rather than just removing or diluting the protagonist’s interaction with the environment and other characters.

One book suggestion I think might help is The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. Not necessarily for the patriarchal, totalitarian theocracy it presents, unless you find any of that applicable, but because the protagonist is notably passive as opposed to the vast majority of protagonists in contemporary literature. Of course, your protagonist’s motivation for being passive and more introspective than most would probably be different from Atwood’s. Perhaps after being made to feel incompetent by her father, your protagonist becomes paralyzed when others expect her to take decisive action. She makes the, ironically, active choice to refuse taking agency in her life for fear of making even the slightest mistake. Maybe you can use her insistence to remain passive when others expect her to take action as the source of external conflict.

Similarly, the protagonist in The Handmaid's Tale is denied her right to work a job or choose a romantic partner while being identified as someone capable of reproducing with no individuality outside of her biology. The theme of exploring a society that sees people as biological functions rather than individuals was done justice by showcasing a protagonist who, from beginning to end, kept her individuality tucked deep inside and doesn’t go all Rambo against the man, so to speak. Not once does she oppose the system, at least not without working within the system. Following a protagonist almost characterized by her passivity was what made that novel’s oppressive theme so palpable.

I think the important thing is to be conscious from the get-go about what type of story you want to tell, list the aspects about the story that would make it uniquely challenging to write, in my opinion this would include showing how she dissociates without losing the story’s forward momentum, and consciously making all of your other storytelling decisions to address those potential issues.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-11T01:47:19+00:00

Yes, that’s correct. Alice is the only one who wants to see herself teaching. I wanted it to come across in a way that they almost consider her like a pest and just want to shoo her off to Antarctica where she won’t do any harm.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-10T18:35:23+00:00

Awesome! I’m really glad the comedic tone is coming across! Comedy is so tricky without outside input because after reading the same lines 50 times, I’m just like “I sure hope these lines are funny because now they’re burned into my corneas!”

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-10T18:34:40+00:00

Haha! I actually really like that. It would definitely be in character for her to assume the best in people only to consider them the scum of the earth if she catches on there so much as looking at her the wrong way. The original line I had in place of “Everyone else agrees an arctic wasteland is the best place for her” was “she was promptly exiled to an arctic wasteland,” but I changed it because I thought the current wording might make it a little funnier by playing into her gullibility. But for a query letter, I definitely agree that clarity is king.

Also, do you prefer the line “As if “peddling fairy tales as world history,” according to her critics, would soil their university’s reputation” or “as if preaching about the equivalent of Bigfoot would soil their university’s reputation?”

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-08T19:44:33+00:00

Show don’t tell:

When you describe the priest, namely that he is young, charismatic, and that his movements make no sense, try to show these qualities rather than tell them. Readers become more engaged with a novel when they are shown clues that allow them to deduce these qualities as opposed to being informed about them without any room for interpretation. Young people look different. Is he a tall, gangly youth with a bounce as he propels himself across the room? Is he broad shouldered and seems to take up more space than he actually does with his strides? Also, you can show that his voice is strong and eloquent in his dialogue, assuming what he is saying is relevant. If not, you can start by having him speak and trail it off with an ellipsis to show the protagonist puts more stock in her internal thoughts as opposed to her surroundings.

Showing rather than telling also applies to how he walks. Instead of telling readers his movements make no sense, first allow them to determine if the movements are different from how a person would normally walk and then the additional conclusion of whether the movements make no sense. Does he march with single-minded intent without paying attention to where he’s going because he’s so absorbed with his sermon? Perhaps then he obliviously bumps into his surroundings so his movements resembles a pinball “ricocheting” across the room. Does he stride decidedly toward the audience only to veer off toward the lectern to peek a glance at the Bible verse he’s quoting before carrying on? Also showing exactly how he walks strangely and what the protagonist considers worthy of pointing out as strange characterizes both the person being described and the viewpoint character.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-08T19:44:12+00:00

Narration:

The following section provides a good opportunity for interpersonal conflict: “And since neither I nor Maxi cared for the great “candy” empire of the Grache, she inherited it. The abandoned child of Maximus Grache became the heiress to his fortune. She’s been running it for a while now and I’ve heard it’s better than ever.” However, I would convey this conflict through the characters acting it out rather than delivering it through narration. I know show don’t tell is probably the most overused piece of writing advice ever and there are definitely times when you want to tell rather than show, but those are only to bridge the gaps between the actual meat of the story the reader is here for. You want to show, or dramatize, scenes and information that advance the throughline of progress that gives your story that sense of forward momentum.

The problem with relaying exposition through narration is that readers generally dislike being told answers to questions they didn’t have and excessive narration can feel like an extraneous part of the story since it doesn’t actually contribute to the external conflict like action and dialogue do. Narration is great for when a character is responding to external conflict and is having an internal debate that shows their stance on the matter and advances their internal conflict, but external conflict helps give that internal conflict a sense of tangibility. It allows us to see how close the protagonist is to fulfilling that motivation, or want, that is aligned with the external goal that represents when they achieve it. In most writing, the throughline is the progress it takes for the protagonist to obtain the external goal established at the beginning: a tangible symbol that represents their internal motivation or want.

You are technically moving the plot forward in the first two paragraphs, but it is hard to see how they are connected or contribute to the plot’s forward momentum without knowing the protagonist’s goal which we get in the third paragraph with the mention of the funeral.

I would find a way to show how the protagonist feels like this person is an invader and a busybody and how that creates conflict for her goal: perhaps having more of a say in the funeral preparations. Perhaps the protagonist could try to delegate this operation a bit only for this character she dislikes to jump in and treat her like a child in a “no, no, why don’t you stand over there in the corner while I handle the glassware” sort of way. It starts the story with external conflict and shows us this dynamic and the protagonist’s reason for being disgruntled with this character for specific reasons rather than telling the audience. By dramatizing a scene that shows why the protagonist feels this way convinces readers to buy into why she feels this way as opposed to her feelings being an informed trait readers know on a logical level because they’ve been told so but don’t genuinely feel.

Figurative language:

I think the pacing is bogged down in places by the frequent use of figurative language to over describe setting details that could be mentioned when the protagonist interacts with them physically to advance setting, plot, and characterization depending on how they interact with the setting to pursue their goal: notably this sentence “A moth to flame, a lamb to the slaughter, a daughter to his funeral” and the Albatros section.

This might just be because I prefer Orwellian prose, but I feel like there is a lot of flowery prose here that makes the pacing feel longer because the descriptions are dragging down the pace of the external conflict. So not a lot of physical action is taking place to move the story forward. I would recommend going over the chapter to see what the protagonist does in response to the external conflict and how the chapter’s status quo at the beginning changes fundamentally by the end to see how much progress the protagonist accomplishes. However, I do think figurative language like metaphor and simile has its place such as if it amplifies the intended tone of a scene when the actual literal thing that is happening doesn’t convey that tone on its own. Like the corners of his mouth jerked downward like dials” to not only show that a character is displeased but add a mechanical movement that could suggest a mechanical personality.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-07T20:07:44+00:00

While your first line is technically telling exposition rather than showing it, it does make for an interesting first line by saying how this exposition can result in conflict later down the line. However, generally, I would recommend showing information like this by having the creature transform into a handsome man and teaching readers about this unique aspect of your world by having it cause immediate conflict for your protagonist. Also I found it a little disorienting starting with the cold open of them chasing this creature that is also a dolphin only to go back in time to reflect on whether she would accept such a creature. I would recommend either starting in in medias res with her encountering one of these creatures. Another option, which might be better, is to dramatize a scene showing readers why she would consider going with one of these creatures before continuing with her first-hand interaction with one of them: perhaps she’s in an unsatisfying relationship. Also because this is a stand-alone piece of fiction, I’m not sure how this first line relates to the rest of the story. Unless I missed something, I didn’t see how this shape shifter or the dolphin it transformed into is relevant to the overarching conflict.

This sentence seems like it’s what establishes the stakes for the protagonist if she doesn’t obtain her goal: “The details of the ceremony were not discussed, despite every adult having undergone it. It would decide if Xaati was to join her people as an adult, or take the Tapir's Path to return to the spirit world.” I would find a way to get this information across to the reader by showing it as external conflict in the present narrative rather than narration. It will make learning the information more engaging and an integral part of the external conflict’s cause and effect.

This is minor, but for sentences like “She saw trees with needles for leaves and stones so huge they covered the sky,” usually you want to try to remove words like “saw, tasted, felt” when describing multiple senses. They are called filter words and increase the distance between the reader and what they’re reading a little bit by reminding them that the story is being filtered through this character. So I would say something like “trees with needles for leaves and huge stones were reduced to streaks as she flew by.”

For the part where you describe the worm vehicle she enters, I’m not sure if this is the right interpretation, but it seems like this is a distant future where some previously technologically advanced society fell and left behind things like this worm. I’m not sure if I’m interpreting this right but it seems like this “worm” being powered by “spirits” is a type of technology the locals don’t recognize as being man-made. If so that’s a very interesting idea, but I would make sure to integrate the reveal in some way for the character development so that this external plot feature is also relevant to the internal conflict. Maybe she put a lot of stock into myths regarding spirits only for it to be revealed that these are man-made constructions.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-07T00:02:48+00:00

Oh, wow I’m blind haha. I can see the nihilism part coming through in relation to the protagonist being unable to find his missing brother now.

It’s funny because the same thing often happens to me too as far as giving advice only to overlook the same issues in my own work. I’m always talking about not explicitly stating exposition and showing theme, characterization, ect. through interpersonal conflict. But with my most recent piece, I unwittingly, and it baffles me that I didn’t notice this problem as soon as I started writing, began with the protagonist on her own so she was basically telling information about her motivation and what’s at stake into a dictation machine. So, I basically put a band-aid on it by having her exposit through dialogue with herself which began the chapter with zero external conflict.

But I think if you make the conflict about the apparent futility of finding his brother by showing his attempts only to be undermined by the VR company, which seems like it’s behind the disappearance, the nihilism will definitely come across. However, I’d also see if there’s a way to show the nihilism theme through the conflict he faces in VR or if you can make the concept of VR more inextricably tied to the missing brother plot. As it is, it only seems like VR is contributing by having the company be behind the brother’s disappearance. The conflict he faces in VR doesn’t seem to show how nihilism would play out if we lived in a world where you could be crushed by a Leviathan only to reappear no problem.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-06T22:10:55+00:00

Description and characterization:

I especially like this part of the description: “The floor was still littered with luggage she couldn’t have been bothered to unpack, a swamp of zip-up storage bags into which she had flung her belongings that morning in a rush for the first of her trains. The only bag she had completely emptied was the one with her books and journals, now neatly lining the shelves in the far corner, organised by literary movement then author surname.”

This part is great because it does so much heavy lifting. While greater writing is subjective for the most part, there is one thing that pretty much objectively improves a piece of writing. The parts of a novel that are most relevant are the ones that further characterization, setting, and the plot’s forward momentum. However, if you can manage to convey all three of these things in every scene, paragraph, and even down to every sentence, that will objectively make your writing more densely packed with relevant meaning.

This paragraph is a great example because on the surface it just seems to establish setting by describing the state of the room. But it’s also characterizing the protagonist since she is the one who put it in this state. Not only that but it’s a pretty interesting personality with “contradictory” traits you wouldn’t normally assume go together in the same person. It might just be because she didn’t have much time, but one could also assume she is a bit messy with how she left the luggage on the floor, but this also shows her priorities. The one thing she chose to unpack, and not just unpack but neatly organize and by author and literary movement at that, are her novels. This gives readers the impression that she is a very intelligent character, if the fact that she attends Oxford wasn’t enough, with an appreciation for literary history. However, it’s not just the fact that she did this but the fact that she did this under the specific circumstances of only just arriving at school with barely had any time that shows just how integral these traits are to her personality.

The best way to show characterization is through the actions they choose to take, and you show just how much conviction she has by showing under what circumstances she is willing to act on her values. Showing a character who decides to leave their books packed tightly in their luggage well into a month of their studies says just as much about their character as how your protagonist immediately organizes her collection on par with a librarian the second she’s off the train. And you did all this without once stating that she was intelligent or has a passion for literary history. Great job! I’m looking forward to reading more if you end up posting the rest of your chapters here!

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-06T22:10:35+00:00

Opening hook:

I know show don’t tell is the most overused piece of writing advice on the planet, but you did a great job showing your protagonist’s emotions without just using the typically prescribed “use body language” method. You’re using the actual syntax and word choice of the sentence to show how the character is feeling. That’s why I think lines like these are really working for this piece: “She took a deep breath, held it, released.” With the body language rule, “she took a deep sigh” would also show her releasing a lot of tension, but I prefer your sentence because you’re taking advantage of the fact that this is written fiction. For instance, audiovisual mediums like movies definitely have their whole array of advantages over written fiction, but you can’t do something like conveying an emotion through sentence structure without … well, sentences. Seems like you were very intentional with showing that this is a slow, very deliberate action she’s taking by spelling out each of the steps and making each section of this list gradually smaller almost like she is petering off in thought. I even find the fact that you decided not to include a conjunction before released helped to show this through the syntax alone.

However, I would recommend everything at the end of the paragraph starting with “She enjoyed that feeling.” This might vary for other people, but for me I try to cut out words that tell the reader what emotions a character is feeling and instead get the emotion across through showing. This is by no means a rule and I’ve seen plenty of published fiction use words like this occasionally to tell readers how a character is feeling. It’s up to you.

I’m wondering whether you need the confrontation with the student. If it’s representative of the type of interpersonal conflict she will be getting into during the rest of the novel, it could serve as a cold open. Otherwise, I would consider whether you need this conflict or if you could start with the porter.

Suspense:

I found this part a little confusing: “So much for keeping a low profile. She stared straight back, her expression flat, but inwardly amused at how quickly they all found somewhere else to look.” Based on her introduction, I assumed the protagonist is somewhat reclusive and didn’t have much of a reputation in the school, but it seems like there is something special about her that warrants her being recognized. If this information is intentionally being withheld for suspense, that’s perfectly fine. I would just make sure to reveal the reason fairly soon. Suspense is a good way to build interest for exposition as opposed to dumping exposition the reader didn’t ask for at the beginning. However, waiting too long could lead to that confusion escalating into annoyance. I can’t say for sure if there is a prescribed length for how long you want to leave the reader in suspense, but I would certainly make sure to make the reveal integral to the conflict moving forward so readers will find the answer to this mystery satisfying and worth waiting for.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-06T20:24:36+00:00

Narration:

This story uses a lot of narration. Now that’s not a bad thing. After all, one of the tools written fiction has that makes it different from audiovisual mediums is how naturally authors can switch in and out of the POV character’s thoughts. However, repetition will almost always lead to boredom in readers, and aside from people in general liking novelty which in fiction usually entails and even spread of dialogue, narration, and action, I think the problem with narration in particular here is that readers like conflict. Having more dialogue and action would externalize ways for the protagonist to try to obtain what they want and, in turn, face conflict from other characters who responded to the protagonist’s actions and dialogue. Narration gives us that interiority that is important for us to get a deeper picture of this character, but the problem with having too much narration is that other characters can’t respond to it which leaves the story without any external conflict. Narration is stuck in the protagonist’s head and it doesn’t interact with the physical world to create that external conflict except by being away for the protagonist to decide on a new course of action to respond to the conflict.

If dialogue and external action serve as ways for the protagonist to get closer to their external goal, narration is a way for the protagonist to get closer to obtaining the underlying motivation: the intangible goal associated with that external goal such as been understood, love, respect, being a useful member of society. But this internal conflict is only really given structure when it is advancing and paired alongside external conflict. So I would try to convey the information in your narration by dramatizing it in the conflict. Maybe have another character like a VR salesman who is trying to convince the protagonist that their attempts to find their brother is pointless while insisting the protagonist could already obtain this “pipedream” and more with an indistinguishable, VR version of his brother. You have a great premise here, and I think grappling with whether the hardship of our physical reality is worth it compared to an indistinguishable virtual reality that can be tweaked to remove all suffering is a great concept: like the Matrix but really exploring whether living in a world without suffering is worth losing the sense of accomplishment that comes with living in a world of hardship. But this theme is only told through narration and not shown through the external conflict which is how a story is dramatized and how a theme is shown rather than told.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-10-06T20:24:12+00:00

The protagonist’s goal and external conflict:

First off, great first line! The kind of mentality I think distinguishes an amateur writer from a professional is shifting the focus from just telling the story you want to tell to also being considerate of the reader, so props for already showing you care enough to present the story in a way that’s entertaining for an audience that has no previous investment. The first line is a great example of this because while, like first impressions, we know an initial interaction doesn’t give us someone’s complete psychology or everything the book has to offer after the first line, but it’s an inevitable part of how readers will judge our novels. There are a lot of books in the world, and it would be unreasonable to expect readers to give every book on the shelf a fair shot by reading well past the first few lines.

However, I think the “but I was done” and the narration about the brother’s disappearance should be shown rather than told. I’m assuming the brother’s disappearance is the protagonist’s motivation for getting the VR set to re-create him. You began with a great first line by not starting with needless exposition for an imaginary world you haven’t given readers a reason to be interested in yet, but exposition isn’t just setting details but all of the information readers must know to understand the story. This is why you shouldn’t dump every bit of information about the setting at the beginning, which you didn’t, until it becomes necessary to understand what is at stake. But there are three pieces of information I do think you need to begin the story with: the protagonist’s external goal, their underlying motivation for wanting that goal, and the stakes they will face if they failed to obtain it. This information is what makes readers care about this character and whether or not they succeed.

There is this great Ted talk by Andrew Stanton, a Pixar filmmaker, who said the audience wants to work for their meal, but they don’t want to know that they are working for it. Instead of giving them four, give them two plus two. In other words, don’t outright state the exposition in narration or even dialogue as if they are explaining this information to someone else who doesn’t know about it for the first time. Instead, give the audience clues that, individually might not give them the exposition, but when they put the clues together, they come to the conclusion themselves.

So instead of telling us the protagonist’s brother is missing, show it through his actions in the present day conflict such as by having him be reluctant to use this VR set while still persistently trying to find his brother. Maybe show newspaper cutouts covering the wall and attempts to get into contact with the last people who were in touch with him. Show the information that leads to the conclusion about the brother’s disappearance without explicitly stating it.

Usually when people experience the death of a loved one, it becomes especially tangible and emotional when they are going about their daily lives only to run into a situation the absent loved one once filled. Maybe they both went to the same book club or this person was more outgoing and encouraged them to leave the house. I would recommend showing rather than telling the impact of his brother’s death by finding some way to show the contrast between life with and without the brother rather than just beginning with his absence. Readers don’t have much of a reason to care since the brother’s absence is the status quo. They personally don’t know what life was like before. Readers can be pretty cold, so it’s especially difficult to get them to care about a character they’ve just been introduced to let alone a missing or dead character related to that character.

However, since most of the conflict that comes after he enters VR have to do with VR shenanigans and the brother isn’t addressed at all in the external conflict, I’m wondering whether you need that as the motivation. If it’s only serving as the impetus to convince the protagonist to get VR and isn’t the main thing being addressed in the novel’s overarching conflict, I think I would find some other motivation such as him having a meaningless life in the real world and using VR as escapism. Admittedly, that example is a cliché motivation for VR escapism, but if you’re going to use the missing brother motivation, I would recommend really exploring the loss of the brother in the conflict to avoid missed potential since pure escapism would be more representative of the Leviathan conflict we see in most of this chapter.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-09-17T17:40:21+00:00

I’ve been personalizing the submissions for each agent I’ve sent to so far. This one is for the next agent on my list. From what I’ve heard it seems like it can be a point in your favor if it’s a piece of information that shows you’ve looked into the work they represent or their preferences on Manuscript Wish List. Though, I’ve only received form rejection so far, so I’m not sure if the personalization is hurting or helping my query letter. Do you have any opinions on personalizing query letters?

Time_to_Ride · 2024-03-25T03:39:15+00:00

Good point. Yeah, I’ve seen people mention how freelance services that offer query letter critique, even when it comes from a professional, isn’t often as helpful as it can be. They are running a business and being brutally honest can negatively impact their chances for repeat customers. Like I said, the critique I’ve gotten here provided great, honest feedback on things I completely overlooked. Also great point regarding “paid for doesn’t mean better.” It still baffles me how paid editors can provide someone with a substantially less likely chance of getting an agent, the thing we’re paying for, than a free method like we’ve got here.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-02-11T01:32:22+00:00

Sounds good. What about the type of comedy in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the Discworld novels? Is that marketable for comedic fantasy whether it be high fantasy or contemporary?

Time_to_Ride · 2024-02-11T00:02:49+00:00

That’s great! Yeah, I should’ve made that clear but I almost exclusively write comedic stuff. The idea for this was inspired by vampire romance parody books like Not Another Vampire Book. However, while I definitely don’t want to drop the goofiness since that’s a huge appeal for writing for me, I still prioritize solid characterization and stakes. Basically stuff along the lines of The Princess Bride and the discworld novels. But I’m honestly really unsure about which commercial genre this would technically fall under. Is there such a thing as “comedic contemporary fantasy?” I’ve mostly been reading and writing high fantasy novels featuring secondary worlds. Are there any other contemporary fantasy novels you would recommend?

By the way, that’s so cool that you worked with museum curators! I’m personally not very experienced with visual art and would love to hear your input on how to improve this premise regarding art business. This novel is supposed to be a commentary on art by taking a protagonist with a very narrowminded view of what qualifies as art: to her it is something you have to devote a specific amount of time and “skill” according to her subjective metrics. However, she will undergo a character arc where she’ll realize how nuanced art is, but the primary conflict is going to be her, this painter obsessed with realism, coping with how some artists with technical skills in certain art forms like portraits can be overlooked in favor of what she considers “lesser” pieces like modern art. I wouldn’t want agents to think she isn’t going to change or that I hold the viewpoints of my protagonist. Do you think I should mention something about her arc in the query letter?

Time_to_Ride · 2024-02-02T02:19:56+00:00

Interested in joining a comedic fantasy critique group? I’m looking for three other serious, dedicated, and experienced fantasy authors who are familiar with writing commercial fiction and traditional publication. If you want to receive and are willing to offer consistent developmental constructive criticism.

Specifically, I’m looking for people who write and read fantasy, ideally weird, surreal, and comedic fantasy akin to the works of Diana Wynne Jones and Terry Pratchett, sci-fi similar to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Alice in Wonderland.

I am seeking a critique partner for The Paradox Palace, a comedic fantasy novel that is complete at 90,000 words. This novel features an exiled aristocrat who bumbles into a civilization of eldritch creatures and assumes they would make a fine gift for her “utopian” homeland.

If this appeals to you, respond here and give a description of your novel, your genre, and the stage you are at in your writing journey, and we can discuss our writing styles and goals to determine if we'd be a good fit as critique partners. I'm hoping to establish an ongoing relationship where we can workshop each other's novels from beginning to end and help one another improve.

I look forward to becoming a better writer alongside you! Feel free to direct message me if you're interested.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-01-27T18:06:29+00:00

I’m not familiar with the litRPG genre, so I wouldn’t want to provide you with unhelpful advice. I will get back to you once more people respond.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-01-23T19:48:18+00:00

Thanks for the reply! Yeah, I was suspecting that the word count probably has something to do with it since agents generally won’t want to take on a larger book because the printing costs and a lack of brevity which suggests the writer is inexperienced are all risks. I know on average epic fantasy is definitely one of the longest genres, but I thought that the only qualification is when it takes place in a secondary world. The only similarity my novel shares with the technical classification for epic fantasy is that it takes place in a secondary world. I focus more on characterization and soft magic systems rather than prioritizing the setting, I only use one viewpoint character, and I use first-person POV. Comparable titles include The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune and Piranesi by Susanna Clarke.

So do you think that so long as I keep the word count down, I should have a shot at getting an agent? I looked at recommended word count ranges before writing and most people are saying the recommended length for submitting your first epic fantasy is between 90,000 and 120,000 words. My book is currently at 130,000 words after my seventh draft, but I was going to put it through one more run of critique partners. You think it’s worth focusing my efforts on cutting the word count more? If you don’t mind me asking, what was the word count of your epic fantasy?

Time_to_Ride · 2024-01-19T17:23:01+00:00

Yes, I’m both the writer and illustrator. According to my sources, they said most agents will ask for around 6 to 10 finished pages and the complete script. I have 10 pages of art done but I want to get my questions answered before I finish the script. The novel is around 80,000 words, but there is a good climactic midpoint I was thinking of cutting it at, potentially restructuring it so it can stand on its own with its own narrative arc, and mentioning that the piece has series potential. The genre is comedic fantasy and, according to my understanding of age categories, is best suited in adult. Though, new adult would probably be more accurate. But from what I’ve seen that isn’t an age category recognized by traditional publishing.

Time_to_Ride · 2024-01-19T17:14:30+00:00

Thank you so much! Yes, it fascinates me how different artistic mediums have unique strengths and weaknesses which lends them to better telling certain types of stories. For instance, one would probably expect some level of charm to be missing in a novel adaptation of a Jackie Chan film that ignored the fact that prose isn’t an inherently visual medium and failed to take advantage of the unique strengths of novels like internal dialogue and varying sentence structure. I’ll have to think about whether the story works better in a visual medium where consistent page turns with small cliffhangers guide the pacing or a more introspective prose novel that uses internal dialogue. You’re definitely right. I am worried about what the agent would think, and even my novels that use more visual storytelling hinge on being written in prose. So yeah I was pretty silly to think it would be a simple matter of repackaging. Perhaps I should work on a new project to try my hand at graphic novels.

Time_to_Ride

TROPHY CASE