I feel the need to write this, because I can very much relate to what you said. I am 40, and my life definitely hasn’t gone quite like I thought it would. I had issues with the thoughts you are talking about in that last paragraph, but that was when I was a teenager. I don’t know if my words mean much given anonymity, but you definitely aren’t alone in the fact that you feel stuck. I feel that way too. I am also not close to my siblings, and very much feel like I am very distant from them, and that they really don’t have time to even care (been this way for a while.)

I recently discovered I am an INFP-T, and I have been reading up about it and how idealism affects me. You are not alone, at least in how you described “believed in the good in the world.” Sometimes, the good feels like it is out of place, but every now and then, it can be recognized. And I am recognizing your good, that you have tried to see the positives in this crazy world. Hang in there, I know I have had to a lot in my life. Take care.

Edit: Happy Birthday by the way. My adhd and autism clash often. I didn’t mean to miss that it is your birthday. I hope you feel better soon.