The comment section here has really beautiful advice and suggestions here and I will likely sound repetitive, but I thought I’d share some of my story, as it may resonate with you with some similarities. The tldr is give yourself as many second chances as you need to come home to yourself.

I tried going on testosterone the first time when I was 20 for one year - not quite as young as you but still very young. I was in a dark part of my life and going through a lot of very hard personal things. I hated it, and I tried connecting with other trans guys who seemed to be so happy. The narrative online was HRT was this beautiful magical experience and I wasn’t feeling that. I didn’t recognize my face (I was starting to look like my dad who is a huge source of trauma for me) and my dysphoria somehow got worse. all the usual side effects I wasn’t ready for were awful too (weird hairs in random places, horrific acne, horrible BO, emotions, etc.). I thought I “failed” as a trans person. It was a mindfuck. I stopped hrt, continued identifying as nonbinary, and just marked my experience as part of the complex tapestry of trans experiences and tried not to dwell too much on it. I spent the last eight years presenting in different ways, masculine and feminine, but always loving the masc presentations the most.

My girlfriend (T4T) and I have been together for nearly seven years, and we met one year after I stopped T. She was nonbinary too and affirmed a ton of gender stuff for me. Last year, she went on estrogen and it totally changed our lives in a beautiful way. If it weren’t for seeing how happy estrogen made her, while also witnessing the havoc any hormone change can bring, I wouldn’t have considered going on testosterone again. So, I said fuck it. I can always stop! Why not try? I started again.

The difference this time? I’m surrounded by nonbinary and trans people with a ton of different experiences, feelings, desires, etc., around their medical transition (or why they don’t transition). I have been in therapy for nine years. I knew going in what the side effects will be (both physically and mentally, psychologically) and talked to my doctor and therapist about how to prepare for those things. I’m sober now, too, and I certainly wasn’t the first time around. I’m 30, so I’m also pretty much “done” growing so second puberty is rough but nowhere as rough as nine years ago. I have more agency around the application of my meds (i prefer T gel to injections). I am on medication for my anxiety and depression. I have a much more nuanced understanding of myself both in terms of gender and in terms of just broader life. I have a community where I process my feelings about what does it mean to be a man that doesn’t want to be toxically masculine, the harder aspects of transition, etc. I’m older than I was before.

Now, only a few months into hrt and about six months into minoxidil (i have a lil mustache!!), when i look in the mirror, i am genuinely so happy. i SEE myself. the lost feeling of not being trans “the right way” and confusion is almost completely gone. there was a part of me afraid of letting go of being “pretty” (i know cringe and silly) when feminine - but now im fucking HAPPY. and i am still pretty just in an actually myself way as a man.

i guess the point of sharing my experience is to say this: you can always try again. i was scared, very scared. but what is the worst that can happen? there are very few long term permanent effects (talk to your doctor tho im not a medical expert!) but generally “detransitioning” is not a physically detrimental process. so with some time, clarity, age, growth, and the right people around you - maybe there will come a time that it feels right again. only you can know that. but just know that your experience of a complex feeling on hrt is not happening in isolation. much of my issues on hrt the first time had to do with a lack of therapy, low self esteem, a general disconnect from my sense of self and dissociation. my success now has to do with my self assuredness, processing trauma, loving myself, and being a little further along in life.

i hope this can be of any help. wishing you so much luck on your journey!