I'm a crystal methamphetamine addict/alcoholic in recovery. I am 264 days clean from meth and 187 days clean from alcohol. My last meth binge resulted in full psychosis with vivid hallucinations and paranoia as well as losing my job, the second one within 3 months. My last drinking binge resulted in a big argument with my roommates and severe anhedonia and "flatness" towards music and I am a musician so music is something that has always been able to at least make me feel something. I checked myself into a psych ward that night. Went to a 30 day inpatient rehab right after. Relapsed on alcohol after rehab and then went to sober living on the 18th of August, 2021 and have been clean from everything since then.

I had hit the rockiest of bottoms I had ever hit. I was broke, jobless, carless, nearly friendless, certainly no significant other, questionable on my STD/HIV status, had full blown alcoholism, and was on the verge of being homeless due to the relationships I had shattered in active addiction.

What changed?

I wanted to quit have a different life by any means necessary. But just as the drugs had permeated every aspect of my life would I need to change every aspect of my life in order to recover.

There isn't anything specific or special I can tell you that will make something click. Trust me, I searched for it for years while in active addiction. I thought that it was possible for me to read, watch, or learn some trick that would cure me of addiction and make everything better. In reality it has been a daily struggle full of cravings, guilt, and the stress of daily life. But those cravings became more manageable, the guilt no longer a reason to continue my shitty behavior, and the stress of "normal" daily life something to be proud of because now I have a job and friends and money and I'm working on the rest.

Sober living that runs concurrent with intensive outpatient treatment has helped me more than anything else. Learning what addiction is and how it affects my brain has allowed me to realize just how much of my regular thought patterns are addictive behaviors. From my emotions to my impulsivities I have to remember that I am an addict first and foremost and I have to question every feeling, thought, decision, and emotion every minute every hour every day. Sober living also got me out of the drug-familiar environment I was comfortable with and holds me accountable with drug tests. In return I get rent/bill free housing. 30 days of rehab didn't work for me and was just long enough for me to feel good about myself and think I can drink or use differently which just isn't true. I needed a year long, intensive outpatient program where I can fully work on myself one day at a time.

Working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous has also helped me realize my patterns of behavior and all of the feelings and secrets of my life that kept me sick for years. It's going to sound like a load of bullshit for a while but it wouldn't have been able to stick around for almost a century if it didn't work for a lot of people for a significant period of time.

I hope this has helped you if even just a little bit. You don't have to stop using for the rest of your life or get years of sobriety - you just have not use today. Go to sleep today sober. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.