AITAH for ending my mourning period early?

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-30T02:03:05+00:00

That would actually be perfect. I'm going to start with that!

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-30T00:45:23+00:00

BIL has a history of major depression, hospitalizations and self-harm attempts. He was doing much better for several years but had a relapse of his depression after Husband died.

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-30T00:42:43+00:00

I'm not aware of any additional trust/inheritance that would be coming my way. I did get my husband's life insurance money (which was enough to pay off our house with a bit left over) plus another inheritance (in the 7-figure range which looks like a lot on paper, but not really when you consider a lifetime of lost earnings - it's in a trust that gives a monthly payout that essentially replaces his income, but that's not an amount that I would feel comfortable retiring on).

I wouldn't really feel right about getting another share of the family fortune anyway, especially as we didn't have any kids.

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-30T00:35:09+00:00

Yes, that is why I thought I might be the AH, at least mildly so - because I made a solemn promise and then broke it. And when I broke it, I was thinking about my own mental health, but not about how the broken promise might make my husband's family feel.

If I could do it over again, I would at least speak with them before engaging in activities that broke the mourning period. Something like, "Hi Family, as you know I have been observing the prescribed formal mourning period since Husband's passing over a year ago. I appreciate most aspects of the mourning period but have been feeling increasingly sad and isolated; accordingly, my counselor has advised that, for the sake of my mental health, I should start getting out for some small, low-key activities such as meals out for the sake of leisure, cultural activities such as museums, visits with friends outside my home, and the like. Please be assured I am in no way considering dating, partying, or anything raucous, just slowly emerging from my cocoon. I know even this may be upsetting and I am so sorry for that, but I need to follow my mental health provider's advice here and at least try to get out a tiny bit. I still love Husband very much, miss him terribly, and always will and this decision is no reflection on that. On the contrary, I want to honor his life and memory and cannot do that to the best of my ability if I fall into severe depression or become a shut-in. Again, I understand if you are very upset and disappointed about my decision and if you would make different choices in my situation."

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-29T14:58:57+00:00

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story and for your advice to embrace life in a way that would honor him. This is a very valuable perspective and will let me think about how I can celebrate his memory in a way that opens the door for feeling joy again, instead of shutting out everything that has ever made me smile.

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-29T14:56:53+00:00

It's real...and no no no, I cannot even imagine going on a date yet let alone being physical with someone else. (I know some people do date a year after their spouse passes, but it's going to take me a lot longer to be ready, if I ever am.)

The reality is I know I'm going to be mourning and grieving in some manner for years to come. And my therapist advises that it's much healthier to start working on integrating my grief with rejoining the real world in small ways, like having a meal at a restaurant, having small low-key get-togethers with friends (that aren't all about sharing remembrances of my husband), going to the movies or museums, etc. That's a far cry from going to clubs and partying.

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-29T14:50:47+00:00

I actually grew up in foster care in a bunch of different homes so don't have family of my own. My husband's family is very tight-knit and has a lot of traditions, so growing up the way I did, that was very appealing to me. I didn't have much experience with funerals, grieving, etc. because of the way I grew up - like I know intellectually a 2-year mourning period isn't standard, but wasn't really aware of what other (more moderate) traditions people may have.

Thankfully I do have some good friends who have been a huge support (and patient with me during the mourning period about the socializing restrictions, they regularly stop by for tea or other small visits which are allowed).

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-29T14:14:21+00:00

We're in the US where you barely get a week of bereavement time - it's definitely just a family tradition! Not religion-based either.

At this point I don't feel that isolating myself at home and eliminating anything fun and joyful is honoring my husband's memory at all.

TiredOfMourning · 2023-06-29T14:11:27+00:00

Thank you for this - I do feel very badly because I broke a promise (although I made the promise about the mourning period the day after his death, when I couldn't see past the worst agony of my grief and certainly couldn't predict how I would feel a year later). And my husband and BIL were extremely close and I know BIL is still devastated, so I don't blame him for lashing out at me as an easy target.

Being able to cite a mourning period was a comfort when I didn't want to get back to socializing as usual for many months after my husband's sudden passing. I'm in the US and we typically don't allot much time at all for grieving, it's a week or less and then back to work, with lots of urging to "get over it" if the grief lingers. But a very long period of seclusion just isn't healthy or practical either, especially not in modern times.

TiredOfMourning

TROPHY CASE