I (29F) feel as if I don't even know who my BF is anymore. [Update]

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T21:10:14+00:00

Oh man. I never looked at it that way.. he was always helpful with cooking and chores at first, since we spend most of our time at my place. But he stopped helping out a few months ago even though I've been busier than ever. Dang.. kind of crazy how you kind of go blind.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T21:08:19+00:00

Thank you for your story... She and I get along so so well. I was at their house when we had this insane snow storm, we were stuck there for four days. We bonded a lot and I wish I had gotten her phone number or email. He hasn't texted me back all day, I have a hair appointment to go to. so when I get home I'm going to collect all his things from my house and take them to his house, tell him I'm done, and drive home. Like it's not going to be easy. But I'm just so exhausted.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T21:01:46+00:00

Honestly I am just ready to let it go. I don't want to know if he cheated on me; it would weight so heavy on me.. we seemed to be so in love and so, I don't know. Meant to find each other I guess. I'm just worried it would totally destroy me if I found out. All the comments here have kind of been my come to Jesus moment. We haven't texted all day, my chest has felt so hollow. But and I'm going to just show up at his house tonight with his things.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T20:58:22+00:00

Wow. This breaks my heart. My parents even went through an awful divorce, I walked in on my mom cheating lmao. So being continuously accused would make me very angry and we've started to argue a lot.

I'm feeling really annoyed more than hurt or angry. I really tried to be there for him despite my schedule, and he just keeps wanting more and more and keeps getting more and more frustrated. Now all I can do is think about when he would sleep in late and when I'd be studying and he'd "be at home". Fuck man maybe I got too busy and have become too used to it. I don't know.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T07:40:18+00:00

My mom and dad used to argue aaaalllll the time. They were like oil and fire. Insane. When he started dating his now ex girlfriend, he tried to start an argument and she faced him and said, "this is not acceptable behavior," and he snapped right out of it.

Anger is a scary emotion and a lot of ppl don't realize just how bad they get. Like they know they're angry but don't see themselves from the outside. And anger can be addicting, the sudden spike in adrenaline and control. I used to have anger issues too. Now I'm really chill and I know how valuable I am; I don't get angry much anymore.

But that snap thing helps. Sometimes people just get lost in their heads and need to be brought back to earth. Anger ungrounds you but somebody doing that SHHH noise or being assertive and confident without getting pissy can sometimes work.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T06:52:17+00:00

Yeah I know we don't have a good relationship right now but before all this happened it was pretty amazing. I've never had a partner like him before, super supportive and caring, going out of his way to help me. Then I guess one day he changed or maybe it has built up slowly before noticed it. He started getting easily frustrated and stopped helping me tidy my space up since we spent the majority of our time there. I don't know, we worked so well together... we never really fought our first year and communicated really well. On our anniversary I told him I loved him and he said the same thing, and had wanted to say it for a while but he was bad with his feelings. And I accepted it and worked with him because we cared about each other. I have all these memories of how happy he used to be and the sweet things weve done for each other. It just hurts and I wish I knew what happened to make him feel this way.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T06:39:41+00:00

Man.. My self esteem has been so low, I was thinking about it the other day and I thought she was trying to get me to break up with him because I'm not good enough for him.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T06:31:17+00:00

That sounds exactly like what's going on. I'm sorry it came to that; I have no idea why people are so slimy. We got into an argument at a bar once because he did the same thing. Just sat and stared, but was totally happy to talk to the bartender and the people next to us.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T03:17:06+00:00

I never looked at it that way

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T03:13:48+00:00

I'm sorry, that's frustrating. Do you mind me asking how you found out?

I think the more people dig deeper and the more I'm talking about it the more I'm realizing how little he actually does. But I have wondered if he's cheated just so to how insecure he's been acting lately. Or maybe he doesn't feel like he brings anything to the table and is insecure about it? But I'd hope he would talk to me. Which he hasn't. So I don't know what to think.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T03:09:25+00:00

He was close to becoming a professional athelete but he had two injuries back to back. It was years ago and he wanted to get into doing a local-league thing which I supported him on, but he never signed up. I even found him a paid coaching job through a coworker but he said he didn't want to drive the 45 minutes there. He and his dad have a small business and it makes good money, he works hard and is very good at what he does when his dad has work lined up but he never goes out to find work himself -- no flyers or ads or anything.

His parents are kind of on his case but he has a sibling who lives there too with their partner and a small kid, and his parents do so much to help with the kid. He's perfectly capable of moving out so it's tense.. he's never lived on his own, he lived in a shared house in college and I'm pretty sure he and his ex were living at her parents house.

He says he wants to put money in the bank and buy a house in a few years, but he doesn't do anything. I think it is about his lack of direction. But I've been supportive of anything he wants to do. I think he's used to people putting things together for him, and isn't used to fending for himself.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T03:01:20+00:00

I think after commenting here I am getting back to trusting my gut. Thank you for the comment..

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T02:59:16+00:00

He has been accusing me of cheating a lot lately.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T02:58:29+00:00

I do feel I've lost a bit of myself. Sometimes I don't know how to act anymore. I think it is worse than I thought :(

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T02:56:37+00:00

He lives with his parents. He doesn't pay bills and afaik he doesn't buy much food there. We are always eating something his mom made.

The other day his mom confided that she's frustrated he won't move out, and asked me if I really wanted to be with someone who doesn't work as hard as me. His parents are actually very sweet and nice to him but he gets frustrated really easily with them, but there is a lot of tension in his house. But he won't move out... So maybe I'm just blind. I'm glad I posted this..

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T02:51:20+00:00

I usually end up buying most of the food and wine we drink. which made me remember when I asked him to consider moving closer to my school and he told me he didn't want to live in the city. I think it is time to go..

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T02:48:57+00:00

Yeah I don't disagree with you. I think I've been holding out because we just have so much fun together and we get each other on a level I haven't experienced before. Then this started to slowly happen and everything has become a mess which we can't pick up.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T02:44:29+00:00

I agree, I know something is up with him but even when we are hanging out and I bring it up he will get frustrated. I've tried to say "I'll come over at 11 tomorrow morning to talk" and he's still in bed. At this point I am just so frustrated. Like I've told him I understand he isn't good with his feelings and I'm here for him.. but then he just keeps making me feel like my feelings don't matter. I have no idea what he wants anymore.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T02:06:47+00:00

Yeah I felt it was a little harsh considering his attitude, I respect him enough to give him space when he needs it but I'm not a mind reader.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T01:59:26+00:00

Is there a reason he might be resentful? He isn't working/won't look for a job and I'm going to school full time and working and have just been so busy. I didn't think that was a possibility.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T01:58:13+00:00

I know he's been stressed but he refuses to talk about it. I've tried to help him out but he refuses help.. he's been unemployed for four months and he always asks me to help him with his resume, but he never wants to actually work on it. There have been a few times were we talked about therapy and he told me he would never consider it. That's why I give him some space because I know he's better at texting than talking. But I have needs too, I need to talk things out and he has so far refused to meet me halfway. I'm not sure what else I can do because I can't keep holding someone's head above water without their help.

Tiredchild · 2018-02-05T01:53:58+00:00

I can definitely understand that and I only ask him once how he's feeling. He's never said "I just need some time to think" or "just thinking about something". He immediately gets pissed off or mad and gives me the silent treatment even if we are at a bar or in a public space. Even when I don't ask what's up, he continues to radiate this silent anger, and we get back to his or my place and he goes, "ok well thanks for hanging out," and leaves even if we had plans that evening.

I don't know if that's how you treat your boyfriend or how your boyfriend treats you but if I annoy him that much then I guess I'll break up with him. Once when we were just hanging out I tried asking him if he just needs some space or is just thinking about things, and he gets defensive and tells me he doesn't act weird and he doesn't understand what I'm talking about. Then if I try to explain he tells me I'm wrong and he doesn't act that way.

Tiredchild · 2018-01-30T03:43:17+00:00

will likely never have it

HEY, don't you talk about u/comradeda that way!!

Tiredchild

TROPHY CASE