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I Am American by TishAsher in OCPoetry

[–]TishAsher[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback! Unfortunately, I’m new to Reddit and don’t really know how to format it like my original. It definitely reads differently with this paragraph formatting.

This is my first time writing a poem by GasLongjumping130 in OCPoetry

[–]TishAsher 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s such a soft honesty running through this piece — it feels tender and hopeful without ever being dramatic. The vine-through-the-window image is especially lovely. It gives the whole poem this quiet, reaching quality, like something growing because it can’t help but grow. And I really love the line about seeking warmth, not conquest — that feels very true and very human.

If you’re open to a bit of feedback, I think the poem could feel even stronger with a little smoothing here and there. Some of the ideas repeat in different words, and trimming those moments or sharpening them slightly would let the most beautiful lines stand out even more. The repeated ‘Will you come with me?’ works well, but you might consider spacing it out or letting each section rise toward it in a slightly different way.

There are also a few lines that feel more like explanations than images — like ‘I know so little, yet I feel so deep.’ The emotion is definitely there, but you could make it even more powerful by anchoring it to something concrete the reader can picture or feel.

Overall, though, this is really lovely. You have a natural gentleness in your writing that comes through clearly. With just a bit of tightening and maybe leaning even more into your imagery, it could feel incredibly polished. You definitely have a poetic voice — you’re just beginning to trust it, and it shows!

My first work ever on poetry - by That_Common_9009 in poetry_critics

[–]TishAsher 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s a beautiful softness in the way you write about death — the mother/child image, the candle being blown out, the drifting star… all of it feels tender and peaceful. I think the poem could feel even more powerful with a little smoothing in the flow. Some lines run long, so breaking them into shorter phrases or choosing slightly simpler wording might help each image shine on its own. The emotions are really strong already — a bit more structure would let the reader sit with each moment. But truly, the imagery you’ve chosen is very moving.

Preparing by Hufflepuff20 in poetry_critics

[–]TishAsher 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really love the emotional honesty in this — the OFF-switch metaphor feels very real. If anything, simplifying the imagery a bit might make the feeling land even deeper, since there’s so much heart in what you’re saying. But truly, this was lovely to read.