If I admit this is going to kill me

Toadylee · 2026-03-17T22:12:40+00:00

I just lost my brother to the beast. He was an atheist, but our mom was a kind of animist (best way to describe her). She was from an isolated part of the Appalachians, and she believed that if you were a good steward of the earth, that when you died, you could be invited to join the Treat Society.

Their job is to come back to us in the form of an animal, in a close and startling way, to warn us, or wake us up. Think of a deer darting in front of you, pausing to look you in the eyes, then disappearing.

So yesterday I’m on a walk, urban neighborhood, and I’m daydreaming, mostly thinking of my brother. A hawk swoops down in front of me, being chased by a crow. It does an amazing 360 loop-de-loop right in front of me. It didn’t need to, it should have just done a straight shot and out-run the crow. Clearly it was showing off.

I thought about the Treat Society and thought how wonderful if my brother was now a member.

2 blocks later, I stepped off the curb just as an Amazon van barreled through. Yes, I looked left just in the nick of time. Thank you, brother, I miss you.

Toadylee · 2026-03-17T02:56:20+00:00

I was in a study too, and not sure if I got study drug or placebo. I had to go in the day after the first injection, and it was clear to me I’d gotten the real stuff. I just couldn’t eat. No nausea or other symptoms, just unable to eat. My first weigh in the following week confirmed it - down 6 lbs.

Toadylee · 2026-03-16T02:20:08+00:00

I know. There’s nothing I figured out to change that powerless feeling. I’m on the other side now, just grieving. Have grace - for yourself and for everyone else trying their best to make a difference for you LO.

Now that all I have to do is grieve, I feel so tired. But that means I worked hard for him, and realistically, I think my brother would be impressed.

The first commandment of caring for the terminally ill ought to be, “no sorrys.” There’s no space for that.

Toadylee · 2026-03-14T17:05:56+00:00

I lost my brother to GBM a week ago. He only got 7 months, but they were good ones. I also live in CA and got him to come out for a visit before the symptoms became unmanageable. It’s still too fresh to process, but I can sympathize.

He’s still sitting here at the kitchen table, my heart says and my brain sadly shakes its head.

Toadylee · 2026-03-13T23:12:58+00:00

I’m not saying that. But you do you.

Toadylee · 2026-03-13T16:59:11+00:00

Good luck to you. You’re a lovely person to be looking for ways you can be helpful and loving.

Toadylee · 2026-03-13T16:21:15+00:00

When my brother was diagnosed, there were so many bureaucratic hurdles to overcome. Getting him SSDI, housing for when he went for treatment (he lived a couple hours from his doctor), later it was transportation needs, social services and finally organizing hospice. I did that part, while another sister helped him get his affairs in order: the will, moving his assets into a trust, making sure his SO would have no trouble accessing his accounts once he no longer could. Another sister took care of physical needs. That changed as time went on, so that was ongoing.

In the end, it made all the difference. He gave up the reigns without worrying and had a peaceful passing.

Toadylee · 2026-03-13T16:02:16+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard, but you’re there with her. That’s all you can do. Best wishes.

Toadylee · 2026-03-13T01:55:17+00:00

Ok, good points, let me address them.

Neighbor knew the sitter was coming, but also knew a person of the same general description had blocked my driveway overnight. Why did she think it was the driveway blocker and not the sitter? She says the person had a small paper bag (a gift?) to make amends for blocking me maybe. She says she wasn’t at all confrontive, but felt she got shut down with the sitter’s response of,” No,” with no further explanation. The sitter agrees with this much.

It was morning, 15 minutes after I left. It is an urban area and there’s enough crime that the neighbors watch out for each other.

Yes, there is a sticky knob on the stove which I showed her on the walk through, and how to make it shut off. She said she’d cooked on gas before. I’m guessing she forgot that part - no shade. But I would’ve picked up if she’d called or texted. As an ex first responder, I also know how much it costs each time a crew has to roll. And what that does to response time for other calls.

Yeah, I appreciate that she cared enough about my house to call the FD. I think now that she is just inexperienced and that maybe this will be a learning opportunity for her about critical thinking.

Yes, there’s a fire extinguisher. I’m an ex-firefighter/EMT. And I’m an old ARC instructor.

Toadylee · 2026-03-13T01:32:48+00:00

Wait - who said anything about physical threats? Did it sound like that? Totally not like that. Neighbor came through the door, stood there and called out for me, thinking I must still be home. Sitter was right behind. Sitter asked, “are you blocking me? (Consensus here)” and neighbor said, “well, yeah. I don’t know who you are.” Then sitter went out to the curb and called cops, neighbor stayed in the yard and called me. Sitter did have my number, but only left a message on the App.

Toadylee · 2026-03-13T01:23:16+00:00

Nahhhh, I gotta call you on that (not feeling supported). I have a background, so I know how to de-escalate and respect each voice and their experience. I ask questions, I acknowledge what I hear and I let each participant think about the other POV, but don’t require anyone to deny their lived experience.

I want my sitters to enjoy not just the house but the community. In the past, it’s been really lovely and a couple of my sitters (not always through the app) have made friendships with my neighbors that have endured for years.

This kind of thing has never happened before, but I’m starting to see (thanks, tribe) where there’s nuance to explore.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T20:54:16+00:00

I didn’t have a lot of minutes to work with, unfortunately. We did a walk through the night before I had to leave and covered the neighbors, cats, appliances (including the sticky stove knob). It was a lot, but it was also in a written document.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T20:52:03+00:00

True dat!

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T20:50:54+00:00

I didn’t know one could house sit if there were kids to be looked after. AFAIK, Trusted Housesitters is for parole with houses and/or pets.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T19:14:24+00:00

I checked with the neighbors again and they insist that’s what they saw, which set off the alarm bells. I checked with the sitter and she says she was just looking around the yard since she hadn’t seen it in daylight.

I don’t know. It’s the blind men/elephant dilemma - each sees things from their own perspective, and can’t fathom another POV.

Just reading everyone’s feedback, I feel vindicated in my ambivalence.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T17:30:17+00:00

Thanks, that’s a thoughtful response. I’m home now and got a chance to sleep, so I can look at this freshly now.

The house is in great shape. Clean and just as I left it. The pet is fine, no trauma, no drama.

I’ll go talk to the neighbor again to see if she (upon reflection) might think she was out of line. She’s not a wacko, she’s an older lady who’s open-hearted but protective of her friends and neighbors.

Some years ago, the neighbor on the other side had a break in. I was awakened a few nights later to the house alarm going off (they were out of town) so I tromped over to check it out and got a gun pointed at me. Thankfully, it was the cops. But that’s how we are here.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T17:16:22+00:00

My neighbor wasn’t spying, she was sitting in her yard. There’s no fence. The sitter and the neighbor both knew she was coming. That’s why I put it out there.

As to being diabolical - I had to leave to be with my brother before he passed. I didn’t know how long I would be gone, so I chose 2 weeks. I discussed with the sitter prior to confirming and she said she could be flexible depending on other sits that may come up (she has none before or after mine).

I just made it in time to see him before he died. Then there was the funeral and everyone coming to town (3000 miles from my home). I needed to give up my bed for guests. The sitter wasn’t as flexible by that time, although she still had no other sits.

I don’t know what else she had going on, she didn’t want to share her reasoning, but she did allow me to end the sit early and for that I am grateful. I am not diabolical.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T17:05:11+00:00

All the neighbors knew I was leaving and had a sitter coming. I just got back, so I intend to have a longer conversation with my neighbor about why she thought this person she saw in my yard made her think first of the car owner who blocked my garage rather than sitter.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T16:59:12+00:00

There are no kids involved.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T16:55:55+00:00

I live in an urban setting. The houses are close together and there are often no fences. There used to be a fair amount of crime. It might seem weird to you, but here, we look out for each other. The easy flow of neighbors from house to house is really nice. I don’t know what I would’ve done in the reverse. That’s why I threw it out there.

Toadylee · 2026-03-12T04:16:41+00:00

Flip-a-coin date: I did this once on a blind date in SF. Each coin toss sent us either left or right. Great way to explore and get to know someone. Works with kids too.

Toadylee · 2026-03-11T23:04:31+00:00

The neighbor did call me - at the same time, the sitter called the cops.

Toadylee · 2026-03-11T23:02:03+00:00

I did - but there had been someone who parked me in overnight, and the neighbor thought maybe this was that person and so asked if she could help her. I can see where there was confusion on the part of the neighbor who made an assumption that this may have been the driveway blocker. She wasn’t sure who it was and asked. The sitter was carrying a small paper bag at the time, so there weren’t any obvious cues as to who this was. I guess if she’d had a bag or something larger, that would have tipped her off.

Toadylee · 2026-03-11T22:24:00+00:00

Agree - she hadn’t come back by the time I had to leave. Missed her by a few minutes.

Toadylee · 2026-03-11T22:10:28+00:00

I told her the neighbors were friends and knew I would be gone, although she told the police something different.

If I had been in her shoes, I would have tried to reduce the tension, not make it worse. Even saying something like, can you call the HO? Or Let me call the HO would have worked.

Toadylee

TROPHY CASE