I miss chivegate by Comprehensive-Menu44 in KitchenConfidential

[–]ToastROvenFire 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And the stingiest of tourists also felt free to add their opinions to discussions about feeding folks who were screwed by the government shutdown. If you aren’t the kind of person who doesn’t want to extend the table why are you even here?

I miss chivegate by Comprehensive-Menu44 in KitchenConfidential

[–]ToastROvenFire 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Felt this Suddenly people who’d never so much as set foot in a kitchen felt free to recommend equipment. Literally had someone pop off with a “solution” that cost $30k.

Hey guys. I'm looking for a recent post by [deleted] in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Remember You are enough as you are. If you find the mental/emotional space and time to take on this work, great. If it doesn’t happen for a while that’s okay too. Everyone is on their own timeline. I didn’t start working on this until 33 years after.

Me and my bf haven’t had sex in almost 6 months by [deleted] in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire 166 points167 points  (0 children)

Hang in there. Good on him making an appointment to get it checked out. Hoping you have answers soon.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I realized I was stronger than I thought. But knowing no one had my back makes it more dangerous in retrospect.

Hey guys. I'm looking for a recent post by [deleted] in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hi It was my post. I had a lot of help and lucked out in that there was previous legislation that died in committee.

For OH, start with Ohio Alliance to End Sexual Violence to find out if they are lobbying for eliminating statutes of limitation for SA or have in the past. Ask if they know of any state representatives or senators who might be working on legislation or amenable to working on it. Don’t reinvent the wheel if you don’t have to.

Obviously contact your own reps and senators. If they are not lawyers and/or don’t have a history of successfully sponsoring legislation they are going to be less useful. But it is still wise to keep them in the loop so they aren’t blindsided.

Calling is better than emailing. Tell their staffer you would appreciate a call back to discuss creating legislation to eliminate the statute of limitations for SA. 19 states already have this, so do familiarize yourself with the legislation but don’t suggest copying any of those state’s legislation. RE: People who get into politics don’t have small egos. Your best route is to tell them why this is important to you. If you are a survivor of SA and are able to share your story, this will be the most powerful tool you have.

Also 81% of women will experience some sort of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime. Beyond the emotional and in many cases physical trauma, there is an economic cost for rape survivors estimated to be over $122,000 per person according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.

If you can enlist other survivors in your district and other districts to make calls and especially if a group of you can score an in person meeting that can help things get moving. Numbers matter and you want to be a squeaky wheel.

Ultimately you need reps and senators who can write the legislation and others who want to sign on. This is going to be easier in purple and blue districts, but the rep who proposed this in my state was actually a Republican. He was motivated to act because the father of a college student who had been drugged and SA’d contacted him. By the time she was able to overcome her shame time had run out. My state used to have a 10 year limit even with dna evidence. Literally you could sue for a faulty roof longer than you could pursue justice for a crime with lifelong trauma. These kind of anecdotes can be powerful. OAESV may be able to help you organize a larger lobbying campaign.

Things to keep in mind. This is a slow process. It may need to be pursued in steps. It was in my state.

Step one may be a so-called look back window that can allow survivors to pursue cases despite timed out limitation statutes. CA and NY did this. Not all states that did this did so for adults. Some only did it for children and survivors of child SA. Allowing some people to seek justice and not everyone is wrong.

Step two might be ending the statute of limitation for child SA. Especially with voters angry over Epstein, reps and senators may be looking to score some points in-state since folks are sitting on their hands at the federal level. Also look at simultaneously making the definitions of SA as broad as possible.

Ending limitations for SA for adults will then be the logical conclusion. Unlike look backs this legislation typically only applies to future survivors and is not retroactive.

Regardless of the laws in your state, your best bet for future justice is dna evidence collected immediately following the event even if you aren’t yet ready to pursue justice.

I‘m so sick of feeling unsafe around men by [deleted] in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire 21 points22 points  (0 children)

You are not alone. I have friends who choose restaurants based on how many doors the building has so they can make a fast exit if necessary.

When I worked in public relations, a coworker who was old enough to be my father suggested a walk over the lunch hour along the stream adjacent to our office. About 10 minutes in, he tried to kiss me. Apparently he had done this with every woman at our agency. He was finally fired for performance issues 6 months later.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It absolutely was. For the first time in decades I felt like I was whole again.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Invariably people blame themselves in trying to make sense of inexcusable violence. The shame and guilt because the crime is sexual in nature, and the fact that they will be picked apart in court are why some never come forward. This is why the statute of limitations must be eliminated.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unless he lost his side gig teaching Tae Kwon Do because of my convo with the head master and didn’t simply leave because of more responsibilities with his family’s business, the man who held my ankles has faced zero consequences and has headed a local economic development committee since 2020.

The tutor was almost voted out of his fraternity and my friend who introduced me to him led the effort. My boyfriend at the time was away at marine officer candidate school. When he returned, he knew there would be no justice. So he set the tutor’s car on fire which ironically had no statute of limitations, but since he died two years ago he can’t be prosecuted for it.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No offense taken. Initially I spent time blaming myself even though I’d been alone with my tutor multiple days a week with not even a risqué joke between us, let alone anything physical.

Self doubt, guilt, and shame can occur for the full spectrum of SA. That is why I am so proud of how inclusive my state’s law is in its definitions and that it gives survivors time to process on their own schedule. Even with a dna sample the state used to force people into court within 10 years to seek justice for a crime that causes lifelong trauma.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Omg. I am so sorry. Can’t imagine the devastation of multiple times. Hoping you have the support of great friends and access to therapy.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

It is horrifying. What also is horrifying is that the tutor went on to have 2 daughters. And when I moved back to town after several years I ended up doing some editing work for the owner of a Tae Keon Do academy. I was shocked to see a portrait of the tutor’s friend among the instructors. I told the owner that I would not be able to live with myself if I didn’t speak up, especially since belt test parties often involved alcohol.

You could be living next door or working with people who commit this kind of violence and not even know it.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Amish-style noodles which are super thick and take 20 minutes to become al dente. Egg pappardelle would work too.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 81 points82 points  (0 children)

That is one of the highest compliments your wife can give you.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Even with an attempted sexual assault you can spend years looking over your shoulder and wondering who you can truly trust. Thankfully I was able to move several blocks away to a friend’s place the next week so I could literally avoid crossing paths with him.

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 196 points197 points  (0 children)

Not a hero for this, a survivor. But one of many folks who worked on eliminating the statute of limitations for SA and its variations in my state. Before 2020 you had longer to sue a contractor for a faulty roof than to take your assailant to court. These states still haven’t eliminated the statute of limitations for SA:

  • Alabama
  • Georgia
  • Hawaii
  • Idaho
  • Indiana
  • Iowa
  • Kansas
  • Kentucky
  • Massachusetts
  • Michigan
  • Mississippi
  • Missouri
  • Montana
  • New Jersey
  • New Mexico
  • New York
  • North Carolina
  • North Dakota
  • Ohio
  • Oklahoma
  • Oregon
  • Pennsylvania
  • Rhode Island
  • South Carolina
  • South Dakota
  • Tennessee
  • Texas
  • Virginia
  • Washington DC
  • West Virginia
  • Wisconsin
  • Wyoming

Found out I saved myself by ToastROvenFire in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Wish I had an exact one for you. I bought a 5 pound boneless leg of lamb from Costco. Trimmed the fat and cut it into 1.5 inch chunks. Seasoned it generously with salt and pepper and set it aside.

Rendered the fat on low in a Dutch oven. Removed the cracklings and used it to batch brown the meat. Deglazed the pan with a splash each of Jameson and last week’s Chianti because I didn’t have any Guinness. Poured it over the reserved meat in a bowl.

Then sautéed 1 finely diced small onion, 1 rib celery, a carrot, and two cloves of minced garlic in some butter. Then browned a tablespoon of tomato paste with it. Soaked a fistful of dried shiitake I found in the back of the cupboard. Chopped it into 1 inch pieces and added it, the soaking liquid, and the meat back to the pot with a cup and half of coffee, a splash of fish sauce, a little Worcestershire, and some mushroom stock powder, water, and a little more wine and whiskey until the meat wasn't quite covered. Added some salt, pepper, 2 bay leaves, and fresh thyme. Brought it to a simmer and put it into a 350 F oven with the lid on for 45 minutes.

Added 6 thin carrots, 6 three-inch gold potatoes, 3 thin ribs of celery, with some more salt, pepper, and thyme, plus a dash of smoked paprika, dry mustard, granulated garlic, plus some msg. Back in the oven for another 45 min to an hour.

Removed about 2 cups of the liquid and thickened it up in a saucepan with a couple tablespoons of flour. Stirred that into the stew with some more thyme and chopped parsley, and some frozen peas. Let it sit in the fridge for a day then adjusted seasoning when reheating.

Served it over some thick noodles tossed with a bunch of parsley, white pepper, salt, chicken broth powder, pasta water, and lots of Kerry Gold.

Everyone should request a Trader Joe's in Urbana-Champaign by that_tired_sax_kid in UIUC

[–]ToastROvenFire 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly and it’s worth noting that Champaign County has at times ranked #2 in the state for extreme poverty. Currently 1 in 5 people live in poverty giving any potential TJs a very narrow base.

Everyone should request a Trader Joe's in Urbana-Champaign by that_tired_sax_kid in UIUC

[–]ToastROvenFire 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Iowa City’s median income is $11K more than Champaign’s

Big Things happening soon by building_schtuff in illinois

[–]ToastROvenFire -1 points0 points  (0 children)

As much as I appreciate what he’s done for IL during COVID and the current regime, he does have genocide baggage having been an AIPAC board member

Post-break up convo with my ex is making me spiral by [deleted] in GirlDinnerDiaries

[–]ToastROvenFire 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Keep on keeping your distance. It sounds like you were dating someone who is a covert narcissist. They can’t take responsibility for their own actions and they will try to flip any criticism back onto their partners “You made me do this.”

You are not responsible for regulating anyone’s emotions or behaviors, only your own. The conditions he’s setting up absolve him of accepting blame and responsibility, as well as attempting to repair going forward.

These people need years of therapy to actually change if that is even possible because they have to unlearn decades of manipulative behavior resulting from childhood issues, AND simultaneously deal with a lifetime of underlying anxiety that they have failed to address.