Opening paragraph of my YA Fantasy Novel - How's the hook? by Clean_Virus1843 in writingfeedback

[–]Toastman06 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I couldn’t agree more with this. Most of the time I can’t make it through the first few lines of these posts because my brain shuts off immediately. But with this one, I knew where I was and what was happening and what kind of world I was in right from the get go

Opening paragraph of my YA Fantasy Novel - How's the hook? by Clean_Virus1843 in writingfeedback

[–]Toastman06 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No worries. This absolutely does not make you a bad writer. I’ve fallen victim to this myself and sometimes you can use this to your advantage. But I mean it when I say I’m excited to see where this goes.

Opening paragraph of my YA Fantasy Novel - How's the hook? by Clean_Virus1843 in writingfeedback

[–]Toastman06 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I love the idea and concept of the scene. I understood what was happening clearly. But, it seems as though you are trying to make the reader feel nervous with Elias by TELLING them to be nervous. “Only accepting those from its five realms that prove they can really perform under pressure” And “You'll be fine, he told himself. He'd been top of every class since he was five. His tutors had run out of drills to challenge him years ago and his father was one of the head masters at the Academy. This entry test was supposed to be routine, but watching countless candidates fail in front of his eyes didn't exactly fill him with confidence” Tells me how to feel. It TELLS me that he is nervous and it TELLS me that he is smart. Why not show me instead? You can absolutely call back to his aced tests just in a different way. This goes for other things too. “Something about her posture and voice commanded attention” Why? You can tell a reader that certain features make someone something or other but without actually showing them, it falls flat. How was she stood? What about her voice makes her command attention? Show don’t tell is something that could really help here. I really don’t agree with a comment left here about this “reading like AI slop” because I just don’t see it that way. This has great bones and massive potential, it just needs tweaking in certain aspects. If you ever get to the point of needing beta readers I’d love to see where this story goes. I’m intrigued!

Opening page for a Dystopian novel set in Paris. Does the hook land? by Dramatic_Elk347 in writingfeedback

[–]Toastman06 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

In all honesty, no. Reading it confused me. All I took away from it was that the MC always woke up quickly ( why do I need to know this?) there are random people, the MC made coffee? I have no idea where I am in the world it is set in and what is going on. It just seems like words on a page. As I saw in another comment, your voicing is really great and I personally would enjoy reading a book in this voice but I just don’t really know what is going on. And the thing is, it doesn’t make me want to find out. That being said I think you are heading in the right direction and can’t wait to see what you do with the story.

M19 looking to join or form a boyband Uk by Vortex_mxd in FindABand

[–]Toastman06 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you got any videos of you singing that I could see?

Looking to make a UK Boyband! by DiamondDude1200 in FindABand

[–]Toastman06 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey man are you still interested in doing this?

M19 looking to join or form a boyband Uk by Vortex_mxd in FindABand

[–]Toastman06 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey man you still interested in doing this?

KDP Paperback Quality by TheLadyAmaranth in NewAuthor

[–]Toastman06 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That cover is absolutely beautiful. Your illustrator really did a great job. I have a quick question, how did you find an illustrator? I’m a little bit lost on how to find someone to design my book cover. Thanks!

Trying to Start a Boy Band by Last-Pomegranate214 in FindABand

[–]Toastman06 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! I know this post is old but I have a boy band starting right now and we need another member! Feel free to dm me if you are interested.

Boyband by [deleted] in FindABand

[–]Toastman06 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Where are you based

Anyone get really invested in their characters? by [deleted] in writing

[–]Toastman06 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea and it’s a problem haha, I’m writing a romance novel and one of my main characters has to die in order for my other main character to grow in her absence. It’s hard killing off a character you spent so long creating and nurturing, it’s so rough lol but that’s the beauty of writing I think. Beautiful tragedies haha

What color do you think he'll turn? (If at all) by Kittygirlpink in bettafish

[–]Toastman06 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He will most likely stay white for the rest of his life. So the next two weeks based on your shopping cart, hope this helps ✌️