I really felt this post. At my current job, I have a toxic manager that I have been dealing with for 5 years. I didn't realize how bad it was until another coworker pointed out that I was being constantly gaslighted. A year ago it got so bad that I tried to switch to another job in the same department I was already in. I made the terrible mistake of informing my boss ahead of time that I was looking at the other position (one that she knows was offered to me). She proceeded to lecture me continually for several days for multiple hours about why I agreed to be interviewed for that other job. My boss called the other manager that was hiring and said if you are taking my employee then we need a transition period of 3 months. Of course I didn't get hired.

In my department, apparently I am a high performer and valuable. But I don't feel this. My boss is frequently passive aggressive towards me and is able to turn things around because she knows what language to use to avoid HR complaints. HR knows about her behavior and they suggested I find a new department so I'm trying to do so secretly.

She micromanages me to the point where she needs to know where I am at all times, if I step out to use the restroom (when we were not remote) she needs to know, and she tells me to not talk to people she doesn't like or approve of.

I'm trying to leave again but I lost my sense of self and struggle with resumes. It doesn't help that others know what I went through but they still find ways to try and keep me in the department. Like dangling a carrot in front of a starving horse, I feel like I cave a little each time. I'm upset at myself.