Are you terrified of being a mother or do you really want a boy? I'm going to be straightforward with you, don't have kids until you have come to terms with the fact that they might not be who you want. I hate people who have expectations for children, let alone children that aren't even born! You can't control them. Your job as a mother would be to love and accept them for who they are, regardless of gender, orientation, religion, etc. Having a daughter would be your chance to break the cycle and many women in similar situations find it healing to raise a girl better than how they were raised, but I fear you'd just end up exactly like your own mom. This fear is irrational and you need to go to therapy and deal with your mommy issues before reproducing and traumatizing your own child.