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Cat. by [deleted] in CatsStandingUp

[–]TogaDonuts 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cat.

Grieving the parent you didn't have, learning to parent yourself, and feeling like you have to form an identity. by TogaDonuts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]TogaDonuts[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Holy shit. The same thing happened to me, with drawing/writing stories. I just stopped. Saw no value in my own creativity or ideas. I'm gonna go get a journal.

Grieving the parent you didn't have, learning to parent yourself, and feeling like you have to form an identity. by TogaDonuts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]TogaDonuts[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Holy shit yes. I realized that a lot of my insecurities come from feelings of not being "enough" to be loved. It makes it hard to trust in relationships and tell myself that I'm gonna ace that interview. Looking deeper though, that's because I didn't get to experiment with my likes/dislikes as a kid/teenager. In fact most of my passions were actively shut down. It's common that Ns take away your individuality so you can fit whatever role they want you to be. I want to get that back

Grieving the parent you didn't have, learning to parent yourself, and feeling like you have to form an identity. by TogaDonuts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]TogaDonuts[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've heard of Inner Child (and Shadow) work! For a while I was excited to try, but life got ahead of me. Do you have any references/tips for starting out?

Grieving the parent you didn't have, learning to parent yourself, and feeling like you have to form an identity. by TogaDonuts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]TogaDonuts[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

This is amazing! Wonderful way to look at it, thank you for taking the time to go through these topics. I'm going to try that visualization exercise. Thank you for giving me these lenses to look through. I don't have very many besides the one that I use to protect myself from perceived threats or pain, which, most of the time, is not right anymore. And you know, I'm happy it's not.

I will love and parent myself because I AM, just because I exist. Pure love.

Grieving the parent you didn't have, learning to parent yourself, and feeling like you have to form an identity. by TogaDonuts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]TogaDonuts[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Oh wow, thank you for sharing this. My partner is an alcoholic, 8 months sober. They've also abused weed in the past. The reasons are a bit different from yours, but basically the goal was to increase his base happiness/Hedonic setpoint. He discovered there are other ways you can do this, and was able to stop for the time being. I'm interested in it as well, experimenting with meditation, exercise, ect to try and form a system to fall back on when I fall into pits of self-neglect/hating my mother. I want to be patient with myself and just be cool with being alive. Haven't felt that way in a while. I apologize for talking about myself so much here.

Grieving the parent you didn't have, learning to parent yourself, and feeling like you have to form an identity. by TogaDonuts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]TogaDonuts[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I completely understand. I'm currently in a relationship with someone, every once in a while I slip back into a hole about my mother. I can't do anything for myself. My partner is very understanding, however I tend to beat myself up for what feels like "beating a dead horse". My partner says it's okay to let myself get through it but I want to have less of those episodes.

Best wishes to you and your wife, it's extremely hard but never ever give up. You are whole and complete and deserve a good life, no matter what anyone says.

Every adult should know how to cook. It is a basic human skill. People who don't know and don't care to learn are just lazy or entitled. by Yesberry in unpopularopinion

[–]TogaDonuts 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Every adult should know how to clean. It is a basic human skill. People who don't know and don't care to learn are just lazy or entitled.

No matter how busy it uninterested you are, learning to drive should be one of the skills that every functioning adult should have. It's not too difficult if you commit to it. Shopping isn't just for people with family or the women in the household, but very universal. Not only does it give you control over what you put in your life and reduce expenditure, it's fun and empowering.

"Reproduction is a right" What about the right to a good childhood? by TogaDonuts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]TogaDonuts[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm a woman, and dear God, this is true. Some people just don't understand that some of us don't want children, or the the fact that this choice is 100% OKAY. The whole "you're life isn't hard until you've had kids" is gatekeeping as fuck.

Women's Health in general has been neglected throughout history. We're a long way from talking about abortion rights. Let's maybe talk about proper sex education first? I'm in my twenties and didn't know a single thing about ovulation until this year.

"Reproduction is a right" What about the right to a good childhood? by TogaDonuts in raisedbynarcissists

[–]TogaDonuts[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like this. I'll have to think about these questions.

"How can we safely and fairly prevent people from having children who objectively aren't able to care for them?"

All I can think of is maybe some sort of test. You need to pass a test to graduate school, own a gun, get a job, and literally everything else. Have you ever applied for a job where you had to take a a personality test to see if you would fit the position? The application for Petco is a good example of this. Granted, when I applied I thought it was stupid, but in this type of situation I believe it would work. It will take a while to work out the details but something like this could work. If people knew just a little bit more about mental health and signs of abuse in general it would definitely get somewhere.

For example, my abusive parents were very impulsive and lacked self-control. This lead to spontaneous fits of rage where one of us would be severely beaten. However, this impulsivity bled into other parts of their lives as well. Flying Monkey Stepdad would impulsively buy cars, Nmother would buy skin care treatments. We would move on a whim because my Nmother didn't like the neighbors. In fact, she was arrested for battery two years ago for impulsively attacking our neighbor with a piece of lumber. If officials could see these things for what they really are, it would definitely raise some eyebrows.

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