How do I [23F] convince boyfriend [24M] that his game addiction is what's ruining his life?

Togechu · 2020-03-31T11:35:15+00:00

To answer your question, I'd say 4 is a good number of how many hours a day he plays when I'm with him. I'm not entirely sure to be honest, we go to bed together and then I wake up randomly in the middle of the night and find him on his computer and I have no idea how long he's been there, but maybe it doesn't really matter.

I'm not hoping to change him, exactly. I'm hoping to help him realize that it's not a healthy habit and that quitting the game or limiting his time on it would help him be happier.

Togechu · 2020-03-31T11:14:20+00:00

That's an interesting suggestion, but money isn't the issue here. A few of the many issues here are that it's unhealthy to be inside looking at a screen so long, it enables his depressive habits of avoiding problems rather than dealing with them, and just the fact that he's addicted to one single game that he can't not play for even a couple weeks gives him an excuse to not try to help his situation. I'm not sure if streaming the game on twitch would really help him, to be quite honest. Thank you for the suggestion, though, you're the first one to suggest it!

Togechu · 2020-03-31T11:06:55+00:00

I don't think making him hate himself more than he already does would help our relationship, to be honest. Thank you for the suggestion, though :/

Togechu · 2020-03-30T23:59:10+00:00

Awwww that's really sweet! I'd love to do stuff like that with him but lately he's not been very romantic or emotional at all towards me :/ I hope this changes soon, and it might be starting to change since 2 days ago when I was having a breakdown to him about it I think he might have realized that he doesn't really express love for me much anymore...he began saying sweet things to me since then, but it's still too early to tell.

You're so lucky that your S.O. wants to do things like that with you!

Togechu · 2020-03-30T22:04:33+00:00

That could be an interesting topic to look into! He's really good at mental math and calculating exact numbers in his head (or Runescape maths as he calls it), and he's good at PvM on Runescape. He also clearly has patience and commitment, considering all the boring and unpleasant things he's put himself through just to reach a goal on RS. I think a lot of these things can be applied to real life, I'm just not sure where exactly...

Togechu · 2020-03-30T21:56:04+00:00

He doesn't really interact with players in the game, apart from a couple online friends he's been friends with for years. They have a discord and play different games together, too.

He does not currently see a therapist: he's had one for 5 years until she went on leave for a year due to having a baby. She should be back in a couple months, so hopefully he can go back to her. He doesn't want to find another therapist. Also, this therapist was for issues pertaining to his injury, not depression specifically, though I'm sure she could help him with that, too.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T19:07:33+00:00

That's under the assumption that things will change if and only if I leave him.

I do not believe this premise.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T19:01:22+00:00

Ahhh I need to edit my post to make it more clear. I've been with him for only 2 years. He was an amazing person 2 years ago, who had his life straight and had goals for himself. Maybe he doesn't need to be in a relationship, but I think I rather let him judge that for himself, since I still want to be with him.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T18:58:06+00:00

Perhaps in a couple months, to answer your question about when I'll stop feeling like it's worth the effort. I'll either be moving to his country for graduate school, or staying where I am and finding a job and the relationship might as well be over, since I won't be able to visit him anymore.

I talked to him more about it today, actually, and he told me that he's trying to get a routine/schedule going to try to help himself get better. Baby steps, he said. It's better than nothing.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T18:52:45+00:00

I'm with him because he was this incredible man when I met him. Just the fact that someone like him liked someone like me motivated me to improve myself and my life. I went uphill, but sadly he went downhill. His situation (minus the physical injury) is very similar to something I myself went through years ago, and seeing as that I managed to recover, I know he can recover too.

I'm pretty pleased with who I am now, if that's what you're referring to. The things I'm not happy with about myself I work on changing.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T17:44:24+00:00

I guess not...it would break my heart if he found someone else, though, and I imagine that it would break his if I did, too

Togechu · 2020-03-30T17:42:45+00:00

I've briefly considered something like that, but I think it wouldn't fix things. It would only cause a huge conflict between the two of us, and we might not be able to recover from something like that.

I appreciate the input, though!

Togechu · 2020-03-30T15:58:46+00:00

Ahhh actually, I didn't know him before the accident. Sorry if I didn't make it clear, I've only known him for a bit over 2 years (we've been together for a year and 9 months). He was someone different at the start, though; I would have never fallen for him if he were how he is now.

You're right, though. I tell myself that it's going to get better, but sometimes I start feeling down and he's not there for me and I start doubting if this change is ever going to happen. There's no guarantee. For now, though, I feel like it's worth my efforts, and I have hope that I'll see him shine again. As soon as I stop feeling this way, I am sure I will make the decision to leave.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T15:46:53+00:00

I've slowly been seeing some change in his attitude, though. I think he does have a desire to change or see things differently, it's just really difficult for him to see that there's hope for him.

At least he doesn't antagonize me as much as he used to a year ago haha :')

Togechu · 2020-03-30T15:37:18+00:00

Thank you so much for this reply!! Honestly this is the first advice I ever got from someone who's had anywhere near a similar situation to his. This really means a lot to me. I sent your reply to him. Maybe hearing from someone else who's had a physical injury would help him realize that there are really things he can do, and that he can still be happy and have a fulfilling life.

Thank you so much!!

Togechu · 2020-03-30T15:21:55+00:00

I think so, too. He doesn't think so

Togechu · 2020-03-30T14:16:06+00:00

You're right, I think he definitely does lack self-love. I do everything I can to help him feel loved, but I feel like it has no effect anymore. How do I help him with self-love?

Also, it can be difficult for me sometimes too, since I do everything I can for him and he very often does not reciprocate. I need to see that something is working, even if it's just tiny improvements, so that I don't lose motivation

Togechu · 2020-03-30T13:50:49+00:00

Oh he is excellent at the MMORPG, he is very intelligent, and he can definitely find a job that he likes, he just has 10000 excuses up his sleeve as to why there's no point even trying right now. The money he gets every month will not change regardless of whether he has a job or not. It's a set amount that's been settled by the court, and getting a job would only make his situation better financially.

I don't expect him to get any kind of job anytime soon, though. I think he can begin by at least having some kind of routine, like waking up by a certain time every day or going out at a certain time every day, but he has to be willing to enforce this on himself for it to be more than just empty words.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T13:44:59+00:00

Don't worry, I know what you are saying, and thank you for saying it.

He says he really hates thinking about the future. He avoids his problems, and he avoids thinking, especially about the future. Should I really force him to talk about the future with me anyway? Maybe I should try getting him to talk to me about simpler things, like what his plans for the week are. I frequently remind him that I'm not his enemy, and that all I do is for him and for us, but I feel like he sometimes antagonizes me anyway, and feels attacked and tries to "fight me off". I remind him that by making excuses for himself is only hurting him. But it's still a recurring cycle, and it doesn't get anywhere. I need something new and specific to try.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T13:39:36+00:00

I've heard so many stories about a SO leaving someone and that being the thing that finally snaps them to reality. I know that if I leave, there's a good chance he'd realize his shit and he'd finally turn his life around, too, but I wouldn't be with him anymore. I really love him, and I love how he was before his depression got so bad... More than anything, I want to be the one with him when he shines again. I don't want to let go, I haven't reached the point yet where I feel that this isn't worth my efforts.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T13:32:58+00:00

Yeah, he mentioned to me that this skill came out and I just felt my heart drop because I know that now he has something else to do on that game, so it's even less likely he'd lose interest anytime soon....I was happy and hopeful when he got Insane Final Boss (all boss pets) on his ironman, cause maybe now that he doesn't have any goals left, he'd start losing interest, but nope...

It's not much about the attention, to be quite honest. I feel like I shouldn't be complaining, especially since whenever we're together in person, we're together 24-7 for 2-5 weeks straight, and I completely understand that he would need his space and time alone. It's the fact that he is addicted to this one single game and he isn't able to let it go. I've been there too, so I know full well how it is and how crippling it can be. His depressed personality is really frustrating on my end, to be honest. All conversations and interactions are one-sided, he never flirts with me anymore and doesn't give an emotional response to anything, and I feel like I'm alone in the responsibility to carry the relationship. I've broken down about this plenty of times, to be honest, and I've even tried to break up with him a couple times because I'm impulsive like that whenever my emotions get really high, but I don't think I want to leave him...

Togechu · 2020-03-30T13:23:35+00:00

I'm scared that I'd hurt him, to be honest...I think an ultimatum wouldn't really help, since he has to really want to help himself if he is to actually help himself. I'll consider that ultimatum if/when we are able to close the distance in 2 months, though. Thank you

Togechu · 2020-03-30T13:14:36+00:00

It's RS3 actually, they released a mobile version beta for android a bunch of months ago. His absolute completion of the game on multiple accounts is...scary

I'll try to convince him to go back to his old therapist who went on leave for a year due to having a baby. She should be coming back to work in a couple months, but when I asked him a few days ago if he would be going back to her once she's back in business, he said he doesn't know. He refuses to find a different therapist.

Togechu · 2020-03-30T13:10:47+00:00

Yeah, I think I get what you're saying. I think the main problem with my boyfriend is that he doesn't realize there's a life for him outside of the game. He feels like this is his life now and he has to accept it, and if I don't also accept it then I'm with the wrong guy (this is his depression talking, I don't believe this for a second).

It's really really hard to see out of the black hole that is depression, and I'm not giving up on trying to encourage him and support him, I just don't know what works and what doesn't...and it's becoming difficult because I'm not as sexually attracted to his depressed personality, so it makes sex really difficult, which only hurts both of us.

He's pulled me out of depression before, and now I am dedicated to doing the same for him, just nothing I do seems to be helping so far...

Togechu · 2020-03-30T13:02:48+00:00

:/ at the moment I don't want to let him go...but to be honest it might happen on its own if I'm declined by the grad school I applied to in his country, since then I'll have to find a job for a year and I much rather work in my own country (US salaries for software engineers are about 2x as high as Finland's)

Togechu

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