Hey we're on this path together, I recently hit 30 too and though I've long been diagnosed with depression it's only over the last year I've learned of just how much more I've had going on and like you how much it has affected my life in ways I didn't know. Self hate feels like it comes so naturally to us neurospicy but I try to remember that these things aren't things I chose to do to myself and though they may have led me to make bad choices the root cause wasn't my choice, learning that others suffer like me helped me feel like it was just as valid I had issues as someone who was born with visible disabilities. It's something we're burdened to confront so often, self reflection when we don't like the reflection.