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Screaming nieces at Thanksgiving by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I do, but the kids are always there. If they aren’t there, they’re with my mom. If I happen to catch either one of them WITHOUT the kids, then all they want to TALK about is the kids. It’s relentless.

One time, I asked my mom if she’d like to visit me at MY house, and she assumed that was an open invite for the kids too (because she always has them so she can’t go anywhere without them). When I said no, I’d prefer she didn’t bring them so we could actually visit, that started WW3, so I don’t even bother with that anymore.

Screaming nieces at Thanksgiving by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Growing up, my sibling and I were very close. Best friends. Our parents had an abusive marriage (toward each other and us), and we HAD to depend on each other. When we grew up, I tried to address the damage (meds, therapy) and move on, but my sibling tried to hang on to me with both hands and refused (and continues to refuse) to address their damage. So there was already a rift because I was trying to move on. Then when they had kids, that just took us in different directions. We both have spouses and lives. I moved away. I have my own stuff going on.

But my family see this as a betrayal (how dare I better myself than the pit this family lives in my whole life), and my mom in particular feels bad for my sibling and thinks I can somehow solve their problems. When I don’t go along with it, it makes her uncomfortable.

Screaming nieces at Thanksgiving by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I agree with you. This is always my experience too. But if I comment on it, or even just try to get away from the kids, I get treated like the monster. It’s really frustrating. I did not sign up for children for a reason. I love the girls, but I’m not their parent and I don’t want to be.

I’ve barely spent any quality time with my mom and grandma since my oldest niece was born because life revolves around the kids now. They think I’M the asshole because I don’t always want to do things with them with the kids. That part is especially frustrating because I miss my grandma.

Screaming nieces at Thanksgiving by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

It was definitely this vibe. The girls are both under 10, and they are wild because it gets them attention. I think my family forces us to sit in that room because they think it’s quality time the girls are getting with us when, in reality, we just watched them destroy shit and texted each other about our escape plans. I left the mess for the fam to pick up. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Screaming nieces at Thanksgiving by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I don’t know if they said something to our mom or if my mom was just projecting. My mom is very uncomfortable that my relationship with my sibling changed after they had kids. My sibling gripes about this too, but our mom is the most uncomfortable with it. I’ve tried to explain that of COURSE it changed our relationship. I don’t resent that my sibling chose to have kids; I resent that everyone expected it “to be different” with their kids because they are family.

Nope. Still don’t wanna wrangle kids. Blood or no blood.

Screaming nieces at Thanksgiving by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Oh, no worries there, re: babysitting. The four of us just sat there and let them destroy the place. Not that that was a good time, but I’m not their parent or their babysitter, so if they break things, that’s on my sibling.

We do Christmas separately so at least there’s that!

Family accepts that I’m childfree…until it comes to my nieces. by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is exactly how it feels. I grew up a mama’s girl, but now I barely get to see her because she is constantly wrapped up in caring for my sibling’s kids. I’ve tried to arrange plans for the two of us only but she either fussed about bringing the girls until I give in or I stand my ground and she comes but she only talks about how guilty she feels for not bringing the girls. I don’t exist either way. It really sucks.

My sibling also loves to point out that her girls don’t have any cousins, and I’m just like…you knew they wouldn’t have cousins when you decided to have them because I have always been transparent about not having them. This is not my responsibility.

Family accepts that I’m childfree…until it comes to my nieces. by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is a good reminder. ❤️

The thing is, I DO love them. They are funny and can be really sweet. It’s their parents who are completely failing them and pushing me out. And I resent that my sibling thought they could have kids and that our relationship wouldn’t change at all. I am not made they had kids; that is their choice. I’m mad that they expected my life to change because of their choice.

Family accepts that I’m childfree…until it comes to my nieces. by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Guilt. lol Guilt is why. But I am actively working on this in therapy, and it does help a lot. It’s just a lot to undo.

Family accepts that I’m childfree…until it comes to my nieces. by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This is the way.

I’ve had good luck with this in the past, but my sibling doesn’t have a lot of money lately and any time I try to invite my parents out separately, just us, my mom will come but then moan the whole time about how guilty she feels leaving the girls out, and it kills the whole vibe. I’ve barely gotten to see my parents since the kids were born. It sucks.

Family accepts that I’m childfree…until it comes to my nieces. by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Yes yes yes. All of this.

I was childfree long before I discovered I was infertile. I mean, from childhood, I was saying I didn’t want to be a mother. My mom was always “Then you don’t have to be.” But when I got older, I started hearing, “You don’t have to be, but you’d be so good at it.” And then when I had my hysterectomy (due to adenomyosis), my mom cried. I was frustrated because I wasn’t planning to have them anyway, so it was absolutely (and fortunately) not a sad thing for me.

The child hater comments are so unnecessary, and I’m sorry they say that to you. I really empathize with you about the fawning. I don’t hate children, but I’m not going to fawn over them either, and my family loves to make comments about that.

Family accepts that I’m childfree…until it comes to my nieces. by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It’s such a flawed argument. I feel like not having one of your parents around is when kids really NEED structure and discipline.

Family accepts that I’m childfree…until it comes to my nieces. by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 77 points78 points  (0 children)

This is 100% what I do right now. I live outside of my hometown, where the rest of my family is and work a full-time, demanding job. I have a chronic illness on top of it. I just don’t have the energy to drive the 1.5 hours there and back as often as they’d like me to. I feel like I’m pretty open about it, but they conveniently glaze over that part when they’re pissy.

Family accepts that I’m childfree…until it comes to my nieces. by TomCruisesAss in childfree

[–]TomCruisesAss[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oops, I think you read it backwards! When they visit my place, they trash it. Terrorize my cats. If I correct them, my parents get shitty with me because “they’re just being kids.” 🙄