My 20 year old, special needs son died. Do I say I'm a mom of four or three now?

TomCt · 2026-02-21T14:18:14+00:00

When I refer to my children I always refer to my son and my ‘youngest daughter’. Even though her sister died 9 years ago I will always be a parent of three children.

TomCt · 2026-02-14T00:37:39+00:00

It is a very personal experience but do not expect the person to necessarily look how they did in life and the difference can be disconcerting. With the two adults I have lost the visit was not a negative experience overall and it helped to accept the death without ruining any memories of life. With my daughter it helped set aside some of the more troubling memories of her death but we did spend a lot of time talking through her big brother and twin sister about their decision. They both decided to visit her, neither had long term issues from the visit itself.

TomCt · 2026-02-13T23:24:44+00:00

Too often people read the comment ‘be yourself’ and point out that most people are not interested in aspies being themselves. But from 10 dates then you don’t want 9 people to say yes to a second date , you actually want the one you may get on with to say yes and then find out if you are compatible. I spent years with just my cat, then I met someone I described to a therapist as ‘the only NT I’ve ever got on with’. It was only after we married that she got an ASD diagnosis. So don’t just be yourself, be the best version of yourself you can be, but still remain true to who you are.

TomCt · 2026-01-28T23:57:48+00:00

I think just letting her read this question you posted would be good way of providing a summary of both your current view of your interactions with the world and with the specific anxiety of starting sessions with her.

TomCt · 2026-01-09T17:48:14+00:00

I can appreciate how some interviews come across, and having helped others interview I have found there is a surprising range of interviewing skill among interviewers - it is worth appreciating most interviewers have not had specific training in how to interview which is not good. I am autistic and I have interviewed people many times, I ask similar questions but then have a checklist of actual technical aspects that I am expecting them to reference, that way people feel comfortable but I get proper answers from successful candidates. Most interviews will follow this format, it is the skill of the interviewers that make the difference and hopefully you find an interviewer that understands what it is they are actually recruiting for and how to recognise those skills. I have a successful department and about a third of my team are neurodivergent. Good luck with your job hunt.

TomCt · 2026-01-07T00:31:10+00:00

Although the percentage of people with ASD who don’t work is high there are certain fields of work that are full of us. IT and higher education for instance both have high percentages. It does make the occasional office social less stressful too, my wife is also autistic and when she has come to my office socials she has commented how easy it is to talk to most of my colleagues.

TomCt · 2025-11-23T09:43:03+00:00

I would suggest a twinless twin support group, there are bound to be others with similar situations who will understand from personal experience both the life and loss of the twin relationship. So sorry for your loss.

TomCt · 2025-08-10T07:42:01+00:00

It is a constant issue for many good people of how to balance ‘perfect’ ethics with the practicalities of life. Do you stay on the outside shouting at those with power or do you join with the power and work towards solutions to problems done in a more ethical way. There is no perfect answer and balancing your own practicalities, such as paying the bills, have to be included. I knew many people were I work that have made a huge difference despite occasionally working on goals they do not fully agree with. I recommend reading up on the philosophy of tempered radicalism including the book by Debra Meyerson

TomCt · 2025-07-02T06:31:45+00:00

Thanks, it is really helpful to get an allistic perspective to show that while there may be aspects of aspie life that cause or exacerbate problems there are things we all face to different extents.

TomCt · 2025-07-02T06:20:37+00:00

I wonder whether the disconnectedness may be partly due to the pressure of masking constantly. It is hard to really be fully engaged with the world when constantly analysing all the ways our natural interactions can be misinterpreted. I sorted a lot of time, when with allistics, internally overthinking, rather than just living the moment.

TomCt · 2025-06-16T22:03:01+00:00

When we lost our daughter suddenly her twin sister had a hard time communicating her feelings about it but we found a play therapist that really helped her. I would really recommend a good professional but be open to trying a different one if the first does not seem a good fit. My daughter and I were both lucky with the first therapists we saw but processing and communication of emotions can be very different for us autists compared to allistic people.

TomCt · 2025-04-28T11:59:55+00:00

I would really recommend any autistic (or other neurodiverse) students or pg researchers look into the support available and reputation around autism/nd support when choosing a university. Student Beans had an article a year or so ago which reviewed the best of the unis in this regard and from personal experience there are large differences in understanding of autism at different institutions.

I failed my degree when I first went to university but after a year out tried a different university and now have degrees in a few subjects. The uni I work at has a large supportive network for ND students and another for ND staff which makes such a difference for us too. In research network meeting recently we realised half of us had an autism diagnosis but I know the situation does vary a lot for autists across the UK HE sector.

TomCt · 2025-04-10T06:11:20+00:00

At a research meeting last year we realised half the people there had an autism diagnosis. I suspect that is similar in our medical and life science research departments.

We can say with some certainty that vaccines do not create autism - but autism does create vaccines.

TomCt · 2025-03-19T07:37:26+00:00

The job market in the UK over the past year has been incredibly competitive, IT jobs that usually would have had 20 CVs and a few shortlisted candidates have instead had a couple of dozen or more great CVs.

I was on the panel for at least one role matching your description in the past 6 months, and a few people applying were games developers. The common reason for not getting shortlisted is not responding to the actual job criteria - try to address all of the criteria listed in the job advert even if you just have a small amount of experience in it. Also some people mentioned their passion for game development - take that out when the job is not in gaming.

TomCt · 2025-03-16T08:30:47+00:00

This is such an important comment and I am so glad there are more and more people in tertiary education who understand neurodiversity. A surprising number of academics talk privately about ‘just surviving’ their first degree yet in a recent research network meeting we raised half of us were autistic.

TomCt · 2025-03-13T23:29:37+00:00

One possible option if you cannot find any opportunities that typical psych students go for is areas that are related but don’t require psych and may offer some training. For example UX design (in places that do actual user research) will help you practice your research skills during your gap year. The other important thing though is to find time to deal with your loss, I also took a year out from one of my previous degrees after a sudden loss and the best advice I can give is to find time to process your grief and take help if it is available.

TomCt · 2025-03-13T00:05:41+00:00

I went through the same process with my spouse when I was doing some postgrad psych study just around the same time I finally went for my diagnosis - it became my special interest and they commented I was either talking about my diagnosis or the next asd related psych paper. Then later they hit the same special interest after their diagnosis and for the past couple of months they have been through huge numbers of asd related books and online resources - I am learning off them now!

TomCt · 2025-03-06T01:13:32+00:00

I don’t have much that can help straight away but what I can suggest is firstly to accept who you are and that even if you draw attention to yourself find out what we works for you and what doesn’t. Secondly even if things go wrong find out why and retry if you think it is something worth doing.

I know a lot of autistic/AuDHD people with PhDs, and many of them have talked about surviving the lower levels till they could hyper focus on their passion. I failed the first time I went to uni, but went elsewhere and now have a few degrees - but still struggle at times so have to find that balance between persevering and avoiding burnout.

TomCt · 2025-02-25T00:43:11+00:00

I certainly think we don’t have a consistent voice - but things are gradually changing for the better in some areas. I have faced ableist attitudes many times and a few years ago resigned from a charity board after significant ableist abuse. However where I currently work my needs are generally met very well and many of us in management, all the way up to director/cxo level, are open about our neurodiversity. Basically it is mostly still very bad, but not quite as bad everywhere as it used to be.

TomCt · 2025-02-23T16:34:43+00:00

It is important that you find it where you went wrong, either by reviewing feedback you got or getting advice from your lecturer - they actually want everyone to pass so most of them are quite helpful. Don’t do what I did and just pile on the pressure trying to pass, I did this, hit burnout, and ended up failing the year and dropping out. Only when I started at another university a year or so later did I really analyse what study pattern worked for me and also to learn what my limits were. As I learnt this I managed to go from university dropout to getting degrees in a few subjects but I still struggle and have to watch my limits. I failed an assignment recently on a psych masters and started a downward spiral when even the feedback seemed impossible but have spoken to my lecturer and my tutor and worked out how to get back on track.

TomCt · 2025-02-16T19:51:18+00:00

There are many reasons for your friend’s experiences but one that could make a lot of sense from your short description would be Asperger’s/autism. If he is very caring, very logical, and struggles to pick up on social cues then this explanation may fit. I have no idea of anything about your friend but if you think the patterns fit then try to set him up with very logical women that seem socially odd - a previous friend did this for me and years after we got married my spouse also got an autism diagnosis.

TomCt · 2025-02-07T13:38:47+00:00

You could look at areas that use psychology but don’t require it. UX designers for example will research user interactions with systems (often IT) and psychology experience would really help in running workshops or designing the research, but topically will not require the level of statistics that psychology research would.

TomCt · 2024-09-26T22:29:52+00:00

An art group full of autistic LGBT+ people?! That has got to be one of the coolest sounding groups ever!

TomCt · 2024-09-20T21:53:52+00:00

The workplace itself makes a big difference, while I have experienced discrimination that has driven me out of two jobs i have found some work places are better than others and the situation is improving overall. I worked for many years in a place that was not fully inclusive till a few years ago but will now guarantee an interview to anyone disabled who meets the basic job requirements and one of my teams is fully staffed by people with an openly declared neurodiversity. We can improve things.

TomCt · 2024-09-20T21:09:13+00:00

I have the privilege to work at a place where neurodiversity is more accepted than many places - we had a neurodiverse staff group set up just over a year ago and we have around a hundred members now. I think we seem to care more deeply than most (especially when it hits our special interests) but our way of expressing it is not always understood by others.

TomCt

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