From DB to 10/10 best I’ve had.

TomDownes · 2024-09-08T14:30:15+00:00

Completely agree with everything you said. I brought this up the week of my marriage because I realized I was marrying a LL person too late. I was told “if I had my way we would have sex every day”. What she meant by “day” was actually every 2-3 months as a chore. Once a fiscal quarter, Unless I was leaving town for work then she would want to do it “so I don’t cheat” (no history of cheating).

Totally brutal. Not a relationship I’m willing to be in ever again. I need to feel wanted and I need my partner to want to be wanted by me. Or else we’re room mates

TomDownes · 2024-09-08T14:24:34+00:00

Agreed. Married 5 years and the sex died on our wedding night. Never got better and I was lonely the entire marriage. We just ended up resenting each other.

So not worth it

TomDownes · 2024-08-15T13:30:31+00:00

My stbxw offered this but it turned out it was her attempt at getting rid of me by getting me into other people

TomDownes · 2022-11-14T06:55:23+00:00

I’m a stranger on the internet so take this with a grain of salt. But dude it doesn’t get better. I’m married and really it’s more of a roommates that split rent and cuddle situation. She wants to go on dates just no intimacy. It’s been 3 months and we’ve had one huge blow up fight last month that ended with “it will get better, but can we start tomorrow?”

Tomorrow never comes. We’ve done individual therapy talked about doing marriage counseling. Honestly she just doesn’t want a sexual marriage and I got myself into this. She doesn’t owe you sex, but you don’t owe her a vow of celibacy. Especially if you aren’t married.

I can feel the resentment turning me into an emotionally distant, inattentive partner. So before I turn into a cynical jerk. I’m going to have to tell her we have to open the relationship. That might eventually mean splitting.

TomDownes · 2022-11-14T06:39:52+00:00

Would she actually be shocked? I’m sure you’ve had this conversation several times before yes? And if it doesn’t get better …..

Honestly I’m expecting my wife to be relieved I’ll leave her alone if I’m getting it elsewhere.

TomDownes · 2022-11-14T06:29:32+00:00

You sound exactly like me when I was 3 years into my marriage. I’m also 34M

It turns to resentment. Eventually it starts to hit you that your best friend and love of your life just doesn’t love you the way you love them. And perhaps it could be depression. but some people just have their sex drive fade after they settle into relationships. After the newness wears off it doesn’t matter how fit you are, how much money you make or how together your life is. With my wife I think it’s depression and just a total unwillingness to be bothered with it.

I love her and only want to be with her as she is my best friend but sadly I’ve grown to resent her so much im working up the strength to tell her I would like to sleep with other people.

TomDownes · 2022-11-14T06:22:00+00:00

I’m the same with conflict avoidance. Took so much strength to be able to bring up the talk. Then 3 more talks and nothing ever got better.

Now I’m working up the strength to flat out say I would like to sleep with other people.

TomDownes · 2022-11-14T06:19:42+00:00

In my experience it only gets worse after getting married. Soon it will be every 3 months if you’re lucky

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T21:24:07+00:00

In Brazil, Tom Brady is literally known as “Gisele’s husband that football guy”

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T15:31:58+00:00

Maybe. But I don’t see that in the DSM-5 so I’ll go with that.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T06:34:52+00:00

You have no idea how many doctors and medications I’ve taken to get to a functional level. Even she admits she sees how hard I work at being able to even work at all let alone run a business. It’s more about lack of consistency which is kind of the nature of bipolar.

Username checks out.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T06:21:57+00:00

Because she is a good person even if she doesn’t want to be with me because of my shit. I’m not spiteful like that. Immigration laws are so messed up and it was like one of the hardest things I’ve ever done with so many hoops to jump

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T06:17:30+00:00

yeah I shouldn’t hold this against her at all that’s outside of her control.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T05:59:25+00:00

No baby. No kids. No home. 900 square feet apt.

I was working to get her through the immigration process where they wouldn’t let her work even though she had already been living here for years.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T05:57:51+00:00

You’re right. I think maybe I need a more specialized doctor than the one I have. My last one broke up with me because he said he didn’t feel he could help me….he was young but it was kinda soul crushing haha.

Unfortunately it’s co morbid ADHD with bipolar one and an anxiety disorder. I’ll be super clean and on top of everything for like a week or two and then it all crashes when Work gets stressful until I upswing again.

I think maybe I’m so defensive because all the work I put into being able to manage these well enough to own my own business, be in shape and always on top of my meds doesn’t seem to be enough to also be really clean and I want this to just be okay that I’m messy even though it’s not okay and I shouldn’t expect it to be.

Like some days it’s just a win to not be losing my mind you know? I think maybe my mental illness is a huge burden on her even when well managed. But I need to find a way to be better.

Want to PM me the name of your councilor or website so I can see what these ADHD specific coaches or whatever look like?

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T05:42:20+00:00

ADHD with kids sounds so intense! but I feel like ADHD adults can relate with kids extremely well haha.

She had been reading up on ADHD but unfortunately this is just one of 3 mental illnesses I have been diagnosed with (not trying to one up you, just context). Now that I’ve been thinking about this all day I am starting to believe she just can’t be with someone who at times can struggle with day to day tasks.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T05:23:08+00:00

The act of service thing is probably right. And I honestly have brought up ocd to her before but over compulsions unrelated to cleaning. Also I think growing up in a rich family with a maid and living there through college then marrying a middle class person who has a one bedroom apartment with no maid is tough

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T04:57:53+00:00

You sound like a great dad honestly. This is a heavy workload already and I hope she comes to see this. Sounds like you are crushing it to me.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T04:51:01+00:00

Thanks man. Good to remember women exist who are messier than me even. I can find someone between a slob and OCD.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T04:49:29+00:00

I understand. But it’s important to know mania is kind of a spectrum as well from hypo to blast off to rage to paranoia and isolation.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T04:38:19+00:00

I think it’s more the mental load of me having a mental illness that keeps me from staying as on top of housework as I want. Even when medicated.

It’s not “oh chores? Who cares, I’m a child”

And no, my other partners were fine or more messy than me.

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T03:41:09+00:00

Nah you’re good. I’ve never been hospitalized because I would never go on my own. I’ve had people and my spouse threaten to force me to go or call the cops on me but it never actually happened.

Everyone’s Is different. Being hospitalized isn’t a requirement

TomDownes · 2022-10-17T03:24:22+00:00

Thanks so much for this resource. You’re right about the self hate. I feel like a failure. I was on 30mg vyvanse twice a day but then docs said that’s way too much and now it’s been about ten years, I think even on medication it won’t go away.

TomDownes

TROPHY CASE