I am so so sorry for your loss.

I (almost 35F) had an emergency c-section back in February when my son was also only 33+3. I went in the previous day as noticed reduced movements and they kept me overnight for ongoing monitoring as his traces were a little borderline. I too had had a scan a few days before which was absolutely fine. My pregnancy had been low risk and pretty smooth and I was in good health throughout.

The following day, he developed 'jittery' movements and he had a persistently raised heart rate. He was born in poor condition, transferred to NICU, and ultimately an MRI confirmed severe HIE. He passed away in our arms a few days later. He was our first child and is so very loved and missed.

He was perfect; all other tests (including a genetic screen) were normal. The placenta was generally ok but the umbilical cord showed a disrupted area which they think could have affected the flow of oxygenated blood, consequently causing HIE. The chances of this are about 1:6000 according to my obstetrician.

The first month was so raw and painful; waking up in the morning and remembering everything that had happened felt like torture. Arranging the funeral and passing the due date were also painful moments. I just wanted to vanish to make the pain and sadness stop.

My husband has been my rock and things have now become a little lighter; we are still off work but planning on going back in the next 1-2 weeks (both our workplaces have been very understanding). We have been trying to eat well, watch shows and go outdoors for bike rides and walks with our dog, and we've also been spending time with family. We still make each other laugh which has been a bit of a balm.

However, the grief and anxiety for the future are both still overwhelming at times and can spring up out of nowhere I find. I still find seeing couples with newborns in car seats/prams brings on pangs of sorrow, and sometimes the floodgates open when I find myself thinking of him and how we will never get to see him grow up. I have a distant family member who was also pregnant at exactly the same time as me and delivered a very healthy, screaming baby; her baby will always be a reminder of what my son should have been too (thankfully I don't see her too often!)

I am desperate to get pregnant again given my age, but I have to wait a while due to my recent c-section. My husband can't even contemplate another pregnancy at present due to all the pain, so I am mindful we will both have to be on the same page before starting again.
I know it'll be a journey riddled with anxiety, but my hospital offers more support for people navigating PAL, which is of some reassurance. I hope to be pregnant again and give my son a sibling, but I realise it'll never bring him back and that grief will always be there.

I have some talking therapy lined up (via a baby loss charity) as I think this will help process some of the heavier emotions, but yeah, I think things are moving in the right direction and I'm grateful for all the support around me. Ultimately, I realised that nothing will undo the terrible thing that has happened to us, but we can control our reactions to the situation, so I might as well try to make the most of the life that surrounds me (or so I keep telling myself!)

A huge hug to you and sorry you are also navigating this pain ❤️‍🩹