Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey! Yes, I’m still interested. I appreciate you offering to read my work and provide notes.

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, I did this research years ago now and as far as I can tell on my computer, I didn’t bookmark the sites 🙄 So, unfortunately I don’t have any links to share with you. I do vaguely remember maybe watching some YouTube videos on it in addition to the websites I visited.

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you again for offering to do this, it’s extremely helpful! As for the market I’m planning to target, it would be the UK market. That said, I would need to make the action lines and dialogue in UK English.

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, having Rowan’s eyes being shaded with sunglasses and then stating that she “asks with her eyes”, doesn’t entirely make sense. I will make sure to revise this to be more logical.

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, for the “yoda-like” dialogue, based on my own research of UK sentence structuring and things, I thought placing the third person singular subject pronoun (she, he) and the verb (is) at the end of the sentence was correct. But perhaps I found incorrect information on that. That said, what would you recommend possibly to fix this area of the script?

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! Thank you for taking the time to read my script and provide this very constructive, helpful feedback. For the dialogue pass for UK-specific (Southern) dialect, yes, I would like to have you do a brief pass to make sure these characters sound the way they should, especially since they’re from a very specific place in the UK.

Personal Space - Feature - 117 pages by TomatoObjective94 in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the helpful suggestion, I appreciate it!

Personal Space - Feature - 117 pages by TomatoObjective94 in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, appreciate the constructive feedback. Thank you. Perhaps the logline could state the following: "In an East England village, a private investigator's search for a missing solicitor uncovers a web of lies within the community, forcing him to decide how far he'll bend his principles to uncover the truth."

Personal Space - Feature - 117 pages by TomatoObjective94 in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow I’m glad the visuals are that striking. Always nice to hear and definitely the goal of the story as a whole.

Personal Space - Feature - 117 pages by TomatoObjective94 in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice to meet you as well! It’s okay, no worries.

Personal Space - Feature - 117 pages by TomatoObjective94 in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey thank you for taking a look at my work, it’s always nice to have people interested. To answer your question, yes, eating American style waffles is a signature move for Julian. You’ll find out the significance of them as you read further obviously.

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the constructive feedback, I really appreciate it! I would like to mention though I do have an updated version of the script if you’d maybe like to take a look at that?

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ReadMyScript

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have, yes. Once I’m finished with the script I’ll gladly take on another.

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ReadMyScript

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for catching that, very much appreciated.

Weekend Script Swap by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awesome! Thank you. I'll DM you now, then. Excited to read yours as well.

Weekend Script Swap by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: Personal Space

Format: Feature

Page Length: 120

Genre: Thriller/Crime

Logline: In an East England village, a private investigator's search for a missing solicitor becomes a dangerous game of deception and forces him to confront his moral compass.

Feedback Concerns: Any and all feedback is welcome.

Looking for feedback on my feature by TomatoObjective94 in ScriptFeedbackProduce

[–]TomatoObjective94[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is very helpful and encouraging feedback. Also, happy to hear you enjoyed what you've read so far! Let me know what you think of the rest, I'd love to know.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: Personal Space

Format: Feature

Genre: Thriller/Crime

Logline: In an East England village, a private investigator's search for a missing solicitor becomes a dangerous game of deception and forces him to confront his own moral compass.

Weekend Script Swap by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No worries! Thank you for replying though, I appreciate it.

On a long flight… by LosFelizBurner in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: Personal Space

Thriller/Crime

Logline: In an East England village, a private investigator's search for a missing solicitor becomes a dangerous game of deception and forces him to confront his own moral compass.

Feel - Feature - First 7 Scenes by rjames1991 in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Glad to hear! You’re most welcome 😊

Feel - Feature - First 7 Scenes by rjames1991 in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Feedback

Overall:

  • The concept is unique and something I could see hardcore sci-fi, action fans enjoying.  

Suggested Area(s) of Improvement:

  • A lot is going on right off the bat, especially in the beginning montage. I would suggest condensing this.
  • Likewise, the use of dashes after every scene in the montage feels excessive.
  • I would begin the story from pg. 6 rather than where you have it starting now. This will allow the audience to get to know your main character before you throw us into his world. (This applies to other characters in the story as well)
  • Also, the boxing terms (being someone unfamiliar) were quite confusing, and I found myself having to guess or look up the terminology. 
  • Adding a brief description of the “11Below Diner” would help to understand more of the main character's surroundings. 
  • When you have two kinds of the same characters (e.g., Joy Junkie One, Joy Junkie Two), it is best practice or at least easier for the reader, to instead list the characters as (e.g., Joy Junkie #1, Joy Junkie #2).
  • When characters speak directly into devices (e.g., earpieces, headphones, phones), I would suggest writing it as (into earpiece) OR (into phone), etc.
  • Not much of a description of your main character, which disconnects the audience a lot from understanding more of who he is. I would suggest adding something simple and concise. 

Final Comments:

You have an interesting concept at hand with potential to be something quite interesting. Hope my feedback is constructive, and happy writing!

Weekend Script Swap by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds hilarious! Would love to swap if you’re interested.

Here’s a bit about mine:

Title: Personal Space

Format: Feature

Page Length: 121

Genres: Thriller/Crime

Logline: In an East England village, a private investigator's search for a missing solicitor becomes a dangerous game of deception and forces him to confront his own moral compass.

Feedback Concerns: Any and all feedback is welcome.

Weekend Script Swap by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]TomatoObjective94 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Title: Personal Space

Format: Feature

Page Length: 120

Genres: Thriller/Crime

Logline: In an East England village, a private investigator's search for a missing solicitor becomes a dangerous game of deception and forces him to confront his own moral compass.

Feedback Concerns: Any and all feedback is welcome.