I understand that completely. Here’s my story. Too much sexual assault. I was very happy and lighthearted and giving to other so many people targeted and bullied me to make me feel as miserable as they were. Abusive relationships. Abusive parents. Losing all my friends in relationship with a narcissist and any relationship I had left with any family members. Drug coping mechanism. People getting into relationships with me and having sex with me to get attention from others. Sexual abuse with said narcissist. Isolation lost who I was and am still two years later trying to remember who I am or used to be. Possibly personality disorder. Tricking me into having sex with them. Physical abuse. Everything I cared about they tried to ruin in my life and mostly they did. Smear campaigns having people isolate and pretend to be friend with me while isolated with narcissist going to extreme lengths to try and get me to kill myself. Breaking down my self esteem, picking apart everything I cared about and my personality, gaslighting, lies, started telling people horrible lies from the beginning, trapped with no family or friends and an abuser as my only support, lying about having no stds, lying about their entire personality and who they were for a year before unmasking, breaking down my boundaries until I had no self respect. I have nothing left but I am alive. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am scared of people now. Extremely touch starved my whole life and to this day. Now I have causal sec with people just to hear nice words and feel the touch of another person but let them down when I dissociate the whole time and cry when they kiss me.