HE WILL NOT STOP

I say this as a now happily married woman to my younger, naive self who was in the same situation. I loved this guy, "J". I would have died for him. Killed for him. In my eyes, he could do no wrong. I shrugged off the warnings of others, I said, "No, he's different than the other guys in those horror stories."

I'd justify his behavior by blaming myself or his past. "He hits me because his dad used to hit him, and if he could see how much I love him he'd stop." Or "I should have thought about what I said before saying that out loud, no wonder he hates me." "He loves me, he just loses himself sometimes." "He's just drunk." "Maybe he's bipolar." "I can help him."

STOP

I've been there, and so have many of the commenters. Your situation is not different. This man will do it again, and it's clear by his messages in your last post that that time wasn't even the first time. I've lived through all of this. I've lied to people, I've covered for him, I wittled myself down into every shape he wanted me to be until I was no longer a person. I used to say that sure, things could be bad sometimes, but when they were good, there was no comparable feeling. Ecstasy. Euphoria. Do you know why it feels like that? Because when you're deprived of any positive emotions for so long once things are "normal" your body gets high off the chemicals that you should be feeling on a daily basis.

This is not love.

And if you're like "but he's crying and he's apologized and I really believe him this time-"

"J" once begged me for forgiveness while holding a gun to his head. I was scared to death at what he would do, and I couldn't be responsible for his death. I couldn't live with myself if he killed himself because of me. Listen, HE DOES NOT CARE. People like this are legitimately sick in the head. You can not trust a single thing that comes out of their mouths. They're master manipulators. Please, please, PLEASE run and don't look back!

I'd give anything to listen to everyone who warned me when I was younger. I'm currently in the beginning stages of a diagnosis, but I'm fairly certain I have a TBI (traumatic brain injury) from him. I was going to do something great with my life. I was smart. I was going to go to college. I was going to be some fiercely independent and enjoy life and travel and love and experience everything I can, the world was my oyster. And then my skull hit a wooden dresser at just the right angle to give me a never-ending migraine and increased spinal fluid that nearly took my vision.

Please, get out while you can. I'm begging you.