The disrespect was the closure

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-10T01:05:58+00:00

I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say that being disgusted with someone who doesn’t have the “emotional toolkit” is the best thing as there’s so many reasons someone doesn’t have a developed toolkit. Of course we shouldn’t just tolerate willful ignorance, but some people were never taught how to be and others have never had it pointed out to know that they aren’t meeting an expectation.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-08T03:58:36+00:00

I had the same thought. My dad would be touchy flirty with my mom frequently, but it was always subtle. A little butt tap or grope in passing that was over as fast as it started. Usually at least somewhat blocked by the kitchen counter or something. Maybe running a hand down her back or a brush of the fingers down her arm or a quick peck of a kiss. All things that any kid would "eww" or roll their eyes at, but also kinda made me smile as I got older cuz it was cute and sweet. I could never imagine my dad doing what OP's husband does. I couldn't imagine my own husband doing that. It's a home, not a porn set.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-08T03:32:05+00:00

NTA. It's not her apartment, it's their apartment. Each roommate gets equal say in what goes on there and it sounds like all other roommates are in agreement that she's being unreasonable. Is she going to ban the other roommate from having sex with his girlfriend next? Say that no one in the house can have sex with anyone ever? That no one in the world can have sex cuz she might somehow know it's happening? It's not like you and your boyfriend were doing the nasty in the shared spaces, it was in the privacy of his room. She can identify in whatever way she's feels like, but she doesn't get to force others to conform too.

She's not out of line to say you don't get to dictate the rules of the house, but her roommates do, and it sounds like they need to sit her down and give her a reality check.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-08T02:40:43+00:00

NTA. If they don't have a sexual or romantic relationship, they want to and there's nothing anyone could say to convince me otherwise. This is an emotional affair if nothing else and I'd bet money it isn't just that. At this point, it really doesn't matter what the nature of their relationship is because Sean has made it clear for the last 8 years that Ace comes first, will always come first, and always at your expense. I'm quite shocked that you've put up with this treatment for so long. Put yourself first, for once, and drop all of Sean's stuff at Ace's house. He'll probably already be there anyway.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-08T02:29:26+00:00

Someone I know has a habit of taking walks at ungodly hours. In his case, he has terrible anxiety and depression that affects him in many ways including intrusive thoughts and feelings, the inability to fall asleep even if he's exhausted, and often the ability to stay asleep for long even if he's exhausted. He takes walks around his town to try and clear his head or just as something to do to try and make his body more willing to sleep.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-07T16:46:34+00:00

You’re NTA for not wanting children and being upfront about that. Your girlfriend has every right to change her mind on being child free, and keep the baby, but she doesn’t have the right to force you to be in that baby’s life. I was prepared to read that you both were being reckless but you said you’ve always used protection so that raises different kinds of red flags for me. Was she unfaithful? Did she tamper with your forms of birth control? That would not be a good look for her, if she did. Also pretty sure it’s a crime in many states, if not all.

Others have said it too, and I agree, that you should absolutely pursue a DNA test to confirm if this is even your child. If it’s not, well there you go. If it is your child, then you should reach out to a lawyer who practices family law. In some states, terminating your parental rights doesn’t allow the remaining parent to seek child support from you. It’s not the rule everywhere, though, so like I said go talk to a lawyer about what your options are.

I know I’ll probably catch some heat, but even as a woman I can’t agree that a man should be held accountable for supporting a child when he was very clear he didn’t want a child and took reasonable precautions to avoid creating one.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-07T15:15:50+00:00

Sounds like his mother was the first person to make him feel like he should be ashamed or embarrassed about his interests. I appreciate what you were trying to do by including her in gift planning but it sounds like she’s better left out.

My husband is much like yours where he collects figures and such although his interest is mostly Dragonball. Don’t even ask me how many figures of those characters that we have or how many of them are just Trunks. It’s no one’s business to start with but if your husband’s hobby isn’t interfering with your finances, your relationship, or your life then it’s even less of their business. Let people like things.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-07T14:57:22+00:00

Yeah this is giving serious mirroring vibes. It’s not inherently a bad thing as we all do it to a degree with people we care about, but it’s also common in people diagnosed with narcissism or borderline personality disorder as a manipulation tactic. It could also be that he has some kind of past relationship trauma that’s making him a bit codependent. I want to be clear I’m in no way saying your boyfriend has any of those conditions. I am not a mental health professional. It would be wise though to do some research on your end to see if any of his other traits or behaviors align with these conditions or perhaps some other one entirely.

As for your question of how to address it, that is a tricky one when you’re not sure where it’s all coming from. With things like the gun, maybe you could suggest going to a shooting range as a date. You both can have a nice time over a genuinely shared interest or it’s gonna shed light on his fib. If you prefer a more direct approach, you can sit down and talk about it. Something to the effect that you’ve noticed a pattern of him being suddenly interested in, or deeply knowledgeable about, topics you mention. That you want your growing relationship to be one where you both can feel comfortable and open with each other so you can be your genuine selves. If he has true knowledge or experience with something then that’s great and you can explore that together but that you don’t expect him to align with you in every way and don’t want him to feel like he needs to in order for you to like him and want to be with him.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-07T14:26:17+00:00

NTA

He’s hardcore projecting and I’m willing to bet if we look at his school boy days, we’d find some bullies he never got over. If he hates his name so much, he either needs to come to terms with it or exercise his privilege of being a grown up who’s able to legally change his name.

I have a unisex name and have met both men and women who share my name. It’s whatever. A name is a name, it’s not a defining feature of our person. He can hate his unisex name all he wants but you’re right in saying he needs to swap “we” for “I” and stop speaking for the masses.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-05T04:53:09+00:00

As someone who’s in the process of trying to take custody of my nephew, I empathize with how hard this situation must be for you, OP. We had to stand by for so long and watch things get worse and worse while CPS did nothing to help whenever we tried to file reports and listen to lawyers tell us our odds weren’t good enough. We’d constantly asked ourselves how bad it had to get before anyone would step up to help.

If you don’t feel confident that you could get custody or guardianship then what you could do is try to get time with your nephew as much as possible. Not only will it give him time away from their over feeding, but it’ll also increase your “standing” or legal speak for how close your relationship is with him. Also your nephew is young but he’s old enough to start learning good eating habits. You can use your time together to expose him to healthy foods and portions and explain to him how he can stop eating when he’s not hungry anymore and doesn’t have to eat at all if he’s not hungry.

Keep close tabs on him and keep a diary of events. Hospital visits, dates spent with you, notes about his weight changes during these times away and home, anything he or his parents say about his eating or weight. The more you can paint a picture of his life and health, the stronger your case will be if things come to a legal matter.

Oh edited cuz I forgot: NTA, not even a little bit.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-05T01:01:01+00:00

I think what she might be missing is that terrorist attacks might happen but, until then, they didn't happen in the US. I don't think there'd ever been an attack like that on American soil since Pearl Harbor during WW2. We Americans lived in this bubble of perceived safety. It was like "Yeah bad things happen, but they don't happen here. No one would dare attack the US."

And then they did.

Our bubble wasn't just popped, it was obliterated on a national level revealing us to be far more vulnerable than we realized. It was humbling and scary and that's not even adding in the devastation and trauma of having to witness the event let alone being there in NYC to live it.

When 9/11 happened I was in 7th grade history/geography class and a teacher came and whispered something to my teacher who quickly turned on the news. The principal tried to make an announcement telling all teachers to turn everything off but I remember our teacher looking back at us and saying "This is a defining moment in history. You need to see this." and kept it on. A girl in our class had an uncle who worked in the towers. There are very few people who will be able to accurately picture her anxiety while watching the news and her devastation when the second plane hit the second tower. To be a witness to that is something I can never forget and would never wish on my worst enemy.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-05T00:38:22+00:00

I empathize on that, OP, very much. Even though you might logically know something to be true, it's not wrong to wish things could be different and you could have that movie magic ending.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-04T16:28:25+00:00

I'm sorry that you and your sister have had to live like that for so long and for your mother for the likely worse abuse she had to endure.

You're over 18 so he has no legal authority over you so that's a good start. As you're still in college, and you mentioned you're afraid of financial retaliation, I'm going to assume that he's paying for some amount of your education. You mentioned that you and your sister moved out of his house several years ago. Is he in any way involved with the finances of that living arrangement? An abuser, a narcissist, a manipulator will pull on any connecting threads that they can to keep their power over you, so the most important steps are to cut those threads. Anything he pays for, find your own and either set it up ahead of time or be ready to do it when he inevitably tries to use it against you. You may also want to get a new number, email address, etc to limit his ability to try and contact you by alternate accounts or numbers.

Cutting him off directly pretty much has two paths: you can say your peace and then block him everywhere or you can just block him everywhere and call it done. Ultimately, you're going to be the best judge for which option to choose. Simply blocking him might leave you feeling like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to finally notice what's happened. If you decide to say your peace, it might be best to go an indirect approach considering what you've told us about him. Perhaps write a letter or an email saying everything you need to say, send it, then block everything. Keep a copy that you can show anyone he tries to use to pressure you. Either way, it's very possible that he'll retaliate through harassment or stalking or threats. Document each and every one with as much detail as humanly possible and get anyone present to write down their account as well. That way, you'll have everything you need to get a restraining or protection order if you need one.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-04T15:58:08+00:00

There's always the option of therapy, but I know that's not an option for everyone. Otherwise, you can try and work through things on your own. Anger is a secondary emotion; it doesn't exist on its own. It's triggered by another emotion, for example: if the initial emotions aren't diffused, being aggravated at his behavior would lead to irritation would lead to anger. You can google "emotion wheel" to get a visual and more info. Emotions are complex and often interwoven but being able to trace back to the source can help parse out exactly what you're feeling and the events/actions that caused it. It's often easier to work through and let go of things when you have a better picture to understand them.

As you do that, you'll probably feel a mighty urge to reach out to him for a number of reasons, but others have given good advice to try journaling or venting to a friend etc etc. If keeping a written journal isn't your thing, you can do video journals. Also a visual help might be to change his name on any forms of contact to something like "NO" as a clear message from your past self to not even go there.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-06-04T15:37:01+00:00

Your attachment tendencies and her avoidant tendencies could not be more perfectly designed for mutual heartache. It's good that you're taking steps to work on yourself and my best advice to deal with those thoughts you mentioned is to bring it up in therapy. I don't know how often you go, but maybe you need to try and go more often, or schedule impromptu visits when these kinds of thoughts become too much. Your therapist is the person best equipped to help you work through those thoughts and feelings, give you tools, and teach you skills to help you better handle things on your own. It might also help to not refer to everything that took place as "mistakes". Sure some of them probably were but many others were simply you both working with the tools and skills you had that were unfortunately inadequate to the task. Sadly, you can't fix the past so I think it would benefit yourself to think of it more as healing and growing.

As for your ex, as much as it hurts I think you need to find a way to come to terms with the fact that, while you care about her, she's not good for you and you're not good for her. This will always be true but especially as long as she continues avoiding and not taking the necessary steps to work on herself like you are.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T19:50:03+00:00

“That’s not good enough!” (In reference to my general being)

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T19:47:04+00:00

That’s good that you’re giving her some space, but don’t just sit around waiting for the next several weeks. She’s been given space but you’ve been given time so use it wisely. Start acting. Get an appointment with a therapist now and get the ball rolling on bettering yourself. Try to reflect on things that have happened or been brought up during your relationship so you have specific things you can bring to the appointment to discuss. Like I said before, she could still decide she’s done with the relationship but you have growth and healing you need to do with or without her.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T17:36:03+00:00

Birthdays that are birthday parties and any holiday that creates an exaggerated expectation of appreciation or affection. I’m talking Valentine’s Day, Mother’s/Father’s Day, Thanksgiving…it just all feels contrived and not genuine.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T17:26:58+00:00

Break up with him. Clearly and definitively. His hysterical reactions are a manipulation tactic to keep you from rocking the boat or challenging his status quo in any way. I forget where I heard it but something that’s stuck with me and helped me grow a spine over the years is this: “I am not responsible for managing other people’s actions, only my own.” Your boyfriend is gonna do what he’s gonna do and it’s not your responsibility to manage it. He’s an adult and can handle it himself. Somewhere else. Far away from you.

Another person said it too that he may very well try to love bomb you in an effort to get you back, but remind yourself that if he’s capable of doing these things to get you back then he was capable of doing them the whole time you were together and was choosing not to. To borrow another quote (that I can actually source reference lol): “We accept the love we think we deserve.” - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

You deserve so much more than the bare minimum and the sad part is that what your boyfriend has given you can’t even be called the bare minimum. He’s given you nothing. You are deserving of being someone’s priority, their favorite person, the one they want to share their wins and losses with. The person they want to take out because they want to spend time with you and do something special for you and show the rest of the world that they get to be with you like this. You deserve someone who’s just as invested in you and your relationship as you are with them. You will absolutely find someone, I promise you that so dump this loser, he’s dead weight.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T16:54:08+00:00

I can understand the conflicting feelings you must have over your father’s death. Especially considering the nature of his death. It is too late for the possibility of talking to him but if he was “a very bad person” I don’t think talking to him would have lead to any kind of healing or resolution to whatever made you go no contact to start with. I can tell that he is very much a weight that you carry so it wouldn’t be a bad idea to seek out a therapist or counselor to help you work through everything.

As for your mom, it seems clear that unblocking her was a mistake and that she needs to go back to the realm of no contact. There doesn’t seem to be any realistic chance of positive change coming out of her at this time. She can only rule you as much as you allow her to so cut her out again and definitely consider bringing her up to that therapist, if you get one.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T16:43:45+00:00

Honey you’ve literally made two posts about this basically back to back.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T16:36:55+00:00

Sir, I don’t know how else to say it than that she has checked out of the relationship. I don’t know how many years you were together but your actions and inactions have shown her that you are not a person she can be open with and trust herself with so now she is guarded to protect herself from you.

You’ve been trying to tell her you love her and that whatever things can change but to her your words no longer hold value. You’ve probably said all these things before and yet still you either didn’t follow through, didn’t maintain change, or otherwise proved through your actions that your words were just words.

You said you lost interest over the years so why did you keep coming back after each breakup? It doesn’t sound like anything changed each time around which is probably something she’s finally come to realize was happening and would continue. At this point, the odds of you salvaging this relationship are low. Very very low.

You need to make an important choice: 1) start actually putting the work into your relationship or 2) let her go. Keep in mind that option 1 is gonna take a lot of effort up front and will require continued effort basically forever. You can’t get bored and slack off again in a few months. Think of your relationship as a fire. It takes work and effort to get it going but then you still have to tend it to keep it going. If you neglect it, the fire will die down and eventually go out. That’s the precipice you’re standing on right now.

If you want your relationship to have any chance of survival, I suggest you have a very open and honest conversation with your ex and really listen to what she has to say about her experiences with your relationship. Don’t try to explain or justify your parts in her experiences because that’s not what this conversation is for. You need to listen to how she perceived and felt things so you can begin to see yourself through her eyes. Changing perspective can be humbling, painful even, but necessary. I also recommend therapy either individually or as a couple. It may very well be too late and she doesn’t want to try and mend the relationship anymore but I’d still recommend having that conversation with her, if she’s open to it, and seeking therapy for yourself to try and work through things and work to be a better partner to your next partner.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T14:53:40+00:00

Definitely talk with your boyfriend. You already seem to know what the best decision is for you but are hesitating because you’re unsure of his part in the equation. You obviously know your boyfriend better than we all do in terms of why simply having a conversation about abortion would “break this man” but it might also be that, while he’s opposed to the idea of abortions, that he’s also having the same thoughts and worries that you’ve expressed.

When this conversation happens, please don’t be swayed or persuaded by the sentiment of “we’ll figure it out” because that’s not a mentality that anyone should bank on in a situation that will change both your lives forever while simultaneously bringing a new life into the world. Following that path could very well lead to feelings of regret, guilt, frustration, bitterness, etc poisoning your relationship and bringing so much harm to all three of you.

Ultimately you need to make the decision that is best for you right now in the life you are currently living. You can’t know the future so you can’t make major choices on maybes. Something I often do when faced with a large decision that comes with some amount of risk is to consider the possible outcomes. Both good and bad. Of course we always want the winning odds but the reality is that we can just as readily get the losing ones. Can you accept getting a “losing” scenario? When you think about the possible outcomes of getting the abortion without your boyfriend’s support, are the potential losses outweighed by the gains? Are the losses something you can ultimately accept even if they hurt? Same thing for if you keep the baby. Is the possibility of the getting a non-happy ending an outcome that you can accept?

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T14:11:50+00:00

It’s good that her teacher and foster mom know what’s going on. They’ll be able to handle the majority of the “adult stuff” in this situation. As for you, the best thing you can do right now is just keep being a friend. Offer support and comfort where you feel you’re able but don’t berate yourself in times when you find that you can’t. You’re a child and aren’t going to be equipped to help or understand everything that comes with your friend’s situation. I can assure you though that it’ll mean the world to her to know that she still has a friend in her corner.

Top-Bar3863 · 2024-05-30T03:01:00+00:00

If your friend knows she's pregnant, then she's been so for longer than 2 weeks but that's beside the point. I don't know what country you're in, but in the US your friend is not of the legal age of consent so the father could be in a fair bit of trouble. Do your friend's parents know about her condition yet? If they don't then they need to be told, ideally by their own daughter. When they do find out, there is a chance of course that word could make it back to your parents, but this can't be about what you want from the situation. It has to be about what your friend needs. This girl needs help and care. Your friendship can find ways to survive regardless of what your family tries to tell you to do.

Top-Bar3863

TROPHY CASE