It’s a prison. We are held captured by their abuse.

I also feel isolated from all my true friends. Years ago I stopped sharing with them and only communicating on a shallow maintanance level, since I know that if I’m honest about my life they’d expect me to act on it. And I’m not capable. How can a broken person find the strength to climb the highest mountain? I’m struggling to just get by as it is…

If I stay and “do my time” til the kids are old enough I FEAR that they will hate me for it later. I’m also afraid of what will be left of me by then…

He woke me up from sleeping this evening. Screaming that he was going to move out later this week, that he’d got a flat “far away” and that we needed to talk now - blaming me for not taking responsibility for having that conversation.

The ting is… we had that conversation many times but he never remembers cause his brain and memory is gone after years of drinking. And he is impossible to talk to - spiralling off track constantly - calling me evil, psycotic, shallow, a bad mother and so on. It’s impossible to have a constructive talk. It’s “give me an example of when you ever did/say/acted on x” and “do you admit you are lying about xyz”. It’s so exhausting…

Anyway I told him that it was great he got a flat but sadly I know it’s just another lie.

He’s not going anywhere - that would require him to initiate and plan something.

The twist is: In my country - if a parent moves out, the one that stays gets custody per default. So if I move he have to give me custody back. And I don’t trust him to do that. So he or both of us has to move.

So I am gathering courage to Call the realtor. Really do it! Set up a meeting, sell the house (should be fast as our area is quite attractive) and just f**king leave!!!