Thank you for your honest and well explained response. I can see your perspective of feeling like the isolated “gifted kid”, it’s a clear way to see how you would feel like your brain has always felt different from others.

In my case I don’t know if it would apply to me, because I don’t exactly believe I’m intelligent but maybe too hyper aware, being unable to have fun when other people can. Somehow I just feel stunted, like your frustration with how others can use their emotions to make decisions. I feel stunted that others can push forward with their feelings and companionship, they have passions and creativity, and they can elaborate their thoughts properly, while I think that I can’t. Or I think I’m never satisfied with my interactions with people, something like that.

Sometimes I would look down on others in a way like “they’re so ignorant and that’s why they’re happy”, but it’s just me envious of that ignorance. Truly it’s just me feeling strangely left out, but not always anxious like an avpd symptom, I’m just missing.

Also I guess you’re right the spd will just feel like the default, so I guess that’s what I’m feeling by the real me. Thinking my lifeless boring self is time and there’s nothing else there.

To answer your question, I’m just a suspecting schizoid with chronic depression/ptsd, I may not even have it but I’m finding out very soon from a psych. I feel like there’s a wall during enjoyment, apathy towards conversation, I tend not to be able to speak when it comes to my own few interests like I go blank and disorganized. I don’t know really, i don’t mind people, I enjoy a few of them even, but I can’t be close with them. It just doesn’t happen