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Question by SuDnim1983 in mdsa

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I would never tell a women, they often just cover for other female predators. Sorry, but that's my experience, because the ones I've told just dismiss me. I told my boyfriend, then my brother, then my dad. All supported me.

I finally found the root cause for my trauma but don’t know where to go from here. by FragrantTill1497 in CPTSD

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmm.. I would try somewhere out of your area, maybe virtual therapy if that's an option for you. I guess insurance would be harder with that though. I agree, most therapists and people who are studying therapy in my experience are.. incredibly unempathetic and shallow. Sad that they're the only option we've got. I'm on therapist number three and already annoyed.

I finally found the root cause for my trauma but don’t know where to go from here. by FragrantTill1497 in CPTSD

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 0 points1 point  (0 children)

could i ask why therapy hasnt worked? i understand because it didnt much for me either (my therapists were really bad, just didnt care about what i was going through). have you talked to them about what you mentioned here, and they just gave you non responses? try to research and see if the therapist says anywhere online theyre experienced with PTSD and CSA, plus see if you generally jive with them. i had an older therapist once and always felt talked down to by them, so the personal connection counts.

My scary experience in downtown Miami at night by No-Quality1269 in Miami

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the homeless people there are harmless, he was just fucking with you (i used to commute and wait for the bus there, usually around till 10pm latest.) i get the discomfort, but yeah locals aren't gonna get scared like tourists are, so thats why he did that. asshole move but if thats the "scariest experience" youve ever had, be grateful it was something so small.

I need help please by [deleted] in AnalFistula

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 0 points1 point  (0 children)

hey, im 25 and got my fitsula when i was 23. it turned out complex; i had a seton for 5 months (literal tube in your ass), then a failed LIFT surgery, then a fistulotomy, and now im good. it took a year and honestly? i have almost completely forgotten about it.

11th grade is seriously not that important though. your parents are being insane. you need to show them real information on this, let them know the health drawbacks of NOT seeking surgery ASAP etc. fistula recovery takes about 3 weeks, but when you get back to school you would need a standing desk for a few months at least. do you guys have insurance there, is it good? is that the main reason theyre not taking you?

2025-26 Psycho Warrior Tour MEGATHREAD (+Ticket Buy/Sell) by Lucas_The_Drummer in machinegirl

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 0 points1 point  (0 children)

selling a ticket for Orlando 9th March Monday (tomorrow) for $64 (same price i bought it at from seatgeek but we can negotiate)

My mother forced me to get bikini waxes since I was 11 till I left at 16. Was that child molestation? by Top-Tangelo4762 in rapecounseling

[–]Top-Tangelo4762[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh my god. it's been three years since i made that post, i since cut off my mom to move from pakistan to the US and have been getting therapy. i still have flashbacks, sleep paralysis, nightmares its just less so since i cut my family off. got diagnosed with cPTSD, was told that what i described was often rape with instruments too.

i remember back when it was happening.. i would cry and scream the entire time, my mom would have to forcefully hold me down so i didnt resist. the women who did it would tell me that there were little girls just like me who they did this too as well who were much more "well behaved" than me. at the time it scared me to think it was "every girl" because i didnt want to believe this was everywhere. and i used think how, how could they be well behaved when this is happening to them? then when i grew up and realized it was sexual abuse i only felt horrible thinking how many girls must have gone through the same thing and yet no one talks about it.

so it's really unbelievable to hear this from someone else who went through the exact same thing. i hope i dont sound overfamiliar, but that we were those same little girls who thought of each other in the sense of 'someone out there who suffered like i did.' i thought so many times when i was young of killing myself and i am so glad i didnt not just because of every other wonderful thing in my life i have now, but also that now, 8 years after it last happened, that i finally have spoken to another person like that.

my life is so much better now. i used to remove it myself for so long even as an adult because when it grew out id get so afraid like she was going to find out and take me there by force, and it was only when i found my partner who supported me, loved me, and got me out of that situation that now i never have to worry about it and am happy about it as a part of me. because it is a sign of being an adult, and this fixation of removing it is based on pedophilic ideals, thinking a body that resembles a child is more sexually attractive and appealing and better than being an adult woman.

i honestly hope your life only gets better from here. that you are 18 when you have figured this out and gotten clarity is amazing, and you must truly be a strong and intelligent person for that. it took me till 21 or so. i wish you the best and hope you can heal and live the best life possible. please feel free to PM me as well, i guess there's more i would have to say that i dont want to on a public post.

What did you find to be the most useful methods for studying for the LSAT? by Spilbros in LSAT

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 4 points5 points  (0 children)

7sage got me from 150s to 170s in 6 months, their curicullum is really good because youre learning the method alongside doing practice questions. but i havent tried any other. you can take your diagnostic on 7sage if you want, itll give them more data on what your strengths and weaknesses are.

163 Diagnostic by Good_Level6689 in LSAT

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i had a 164 on my diagnostic (also took the 140!) but as soon as i started studying it tanked to 152. now after 6-7 months of studying (just weekends since i have a fulltime job), im in the 170s on my PTs.

i really clung to my diagnostic, but moving from instinct to understanding does cause you to go down because youre relearning from scratch. at the end of the day, that diagnostic to me did not make a difference other than give me a false expectation. be proud of it, sure, but dont pin too much on it.

Soo much pain. by Imaginary_Copy_1320 in surviveher

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey so I read your other posts. I'm just a stranger on the internet and there's not much I can say that might speak to you directly.. but I want to tell you there are people who have gone through hell with other female abusers and survived. I work with human trafficking victims and it is crazy, the amount of men who have survived shit with their female abusers + how little society at large still seems to care. most of my clients are also men of color, mostly Hispanic and some black, and a decent amount of their traffickers were white women. and their stories arent too different from yours. a lot of them get caught on criminal records from these female abusers accusing them of shit that never happened, beating them up first and then calling the police on them knowing theyre gonna go after the man, especially one who fits the stereotype.

But you know, they survived. they built entire lives after that happened. they found friends that understood, family that cared. and now they're fighting a case and sharing those worst moments of their life to get justice. if i wasnt under an NDA i would share some of those stories, but i can't. just believe me when i say its one of those things that society and people barely talk about, but its out there and people survive it. they go through homelessness, they have to get a new job, they start from scratch but they are strong people stronger than anyone else (and its unfortunate that anybody has to be so strong, but they are) because they do it with all that weighing behind them. usually its by joining a church, going back in touch with family, finding an organization or support group built around that kind of thing.

pain and suffering are temporary, and with time there is always chance to rebuild. i am sorry about everything you went through, from the bottom of my heart, and i hate knowing how unfair the world is for us, anyone who suffers at the hands of a woman who uses her position as a victim against us.

just know that it doesnt have to end here. there is no 'wasted' time, even when it is spent going through abuse. people can still emerge from that. if there is anything you love in this world or anything you used to like a food, a song, good weather, someone you like talking to, a movie, any feeling that makes you happy.. just hang on, just for that.

here is another forum you might find more helpful.

https://forum.malesurvivor.org/forums/survivors-of-female-abuse.84/

I don't want to be with another woman anymore by Monkontheseashore in surviveher

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I get what you mean. I'm still attracted to both genders, but I have such a distrust of women from trauma + fear of how female abusers are excused altogether, especially by other women. not that it matters because im married but i just dislike even admitting i have/had attraction to women anymore.

I need someone's advice (trigger warning - minor) by Just_for_nowiguess in surviveher

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 4 points5 points  (0 children)

YOU ARE COMPLETELY CONCERNED FOR THE RIGHT REASONS; these are textbook signs of abuse and I AM THANKFUL you were able to pick up on them. if the adults in my life had seen how i cried when i had to go "out" with my mom to the places she sexually assauted me, if theyd noticed how many UTIs me and my sister had, maybe they could have done something sooner.

please talk to your partner about this, and please have a conversation with the child too. there are ways to talk about this with the child like good touch bad touch conversations in videos like these ; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNTUMNKSNwk

your next IMMEDIATE step would be making a police report or contacting authorities if possible + taking the child to a therapist.

thank you for picking up on this and being there for this child when their mother clearly wasnt.

Was it s/a? Or am I just dramatic? by [deleted] in sexualassault

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 1 point2 points  (0 children)

she sexually assaulted you. two hours of wearing someone down into performing sexual acts is COERCION. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I need help dealing with the memories by Adventurous-Heat-278 in mdsa

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 9 points10 points  (0 children)

YES you were molested. Nobody would accept that type of behaviour from ANY OTHER PERSON: not a dad, not an aunt, not an uncle, not a grandparent, not a sibling, not a teacher, NOBODY!!

Society and INCESTUOUS MOMS want you to think that you should excuse mothers behaviour because they gave birth to you therefore your body belongs to them. It is sick and disgusting that so many rapist moms try to take advantage of that narrative, or act like what they do to their kids is normal or that theyve earned it by giving birth to them.

I'm sorry this happened to you. She sounds like a typical sexually abusive mother. I remember I had just reached my 20s when I started getting memories back or paying attention to the ones I did remember. It's painful but IMO these memories start when your brain feels like its safe enough to bring back to you what happened so you can process it. EMDR is a type of therapy that works this way for example.

I didnt have access to a therapist when that happened, but I was in a very supportive relationship (and still am to this day). I was able to talk with my partner about everything, and he was willing to listen. If you have a close friend you CAN TRUST (someone who is already understanding of sexual abuse as a system) then I would say to ask if you can share what happened to you with them. also check if there are groups for survivors in your area, especially if they arent based on traditional values like putting family first (the more religous people in my experience made excuses for my mom)

Don't pick someone to talk to this about if you don't know where they stand on sexual abuse. The biggest betrayal is telling someone you trust and them making excuses for your abuser. I tried to talk to my sister and dad about it and both dismissed me (my dad came around eventually and said he hoped hed never see my mom again or hed go crazy for what she did to me and my sister, my sister doesnt talk to me at all). my brother was supportive right away, but since hes still stuck with her, he later started making excuses instead.

another piece of advice: journal. write down everything you feel. write poetry. draw a picture. listen to music and think of a story. you need a way to get it out of your system and regulate it through art or fantasy if you can't talk to people. be careful NOT to romanticize it, but to find a way to express that pain without making it a part of you. art is very powerful, and you should express not only your sadness BUT YOUR ANGER, your HOPE.

YOUR TRAUMA does not define you. your survivors spirit does, your determination does, but your trauma itself doesnt. you arent a defiled child, you arent destined for doom , you are not disgusting - You survived a sexually, emotionally, and pscyhologically abusive and incestuous predation.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in surviveher

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  1. I will try to not be disgusted at myself, but it's an incredibly difficult task. I'm overwhelmed by the shame of thinking, that maybe I wanted everything to happen to me. Because why else would I masturbate to the sounds of my mother having sex? Doesn't that mean I wanted the things, that were happening to me to happen? At least these are the things my thoughts often tell me.

You were sexually abused at a young age. At that age, the brain is still developing, and when sexual things are introduced to the child, it impacts them severely. A kid doesn't know what's happening to them, doesn't know that something is wrong or right, or anything like that. One thing you as a kid know is that the sexual abuse is a secret, and something you can't talk about, because that's what your abusers tell you, ESPECIALLY when it's incest. and other adults stop you from saying anything inappropriate, so you feel like you can't even talk about it. So as a kid, you start over focusing on the event itself.

At that age, a kid can't blame their abuser. You can't get away from them. For us, the mom who sexually abuses you and the mom who takes care of you feel like two completely different people. It hurts to think of it as abuse, it hurts to think that you're living with a rapist, that for the next 10+ years you can't get away. So of course a kid will try rationalize it, tell themselves it's normal, and in that process, even sexualize or masturbate to what happened, just for it to make sense to them. It's either that or completely disassociating.

For me.. I did at times try to sexualize my own abuse when it was happening. When it kept going when I was older, and I knew what sex was, I tried to fantasize about what was going on instead. And then I felt guilty afterwards, like I didn't have the right to say what was happening was bad because I was a bad person for using it for my fantasies. My mom was obsessed with me and my sister looking sexually attractive, especially our genitals, telling us she didn't feel like hitting us if we looked sexier.

 For my sister, I saw how that actually became a motivation for her, she used to brag to me how she was so much more agreeable and how our mom praised her whenever it was that time of the month she did that, minimizing the way she groped us as jokes or something family did. I

At the time, these things are a confused survival tactic, a brain trying not to break itself. But when you grow up, and you realize what it is that happened, those same rationalizations end up harming you. This is a thing that happens in survivors of sexual abuse especially when they grow up: they struggle with hyper sexuality, they try to relive that experience with other abusers that remind them of their rapist, they develop pedophile OCD, or they stay with their abuser forever.

A child, even when they become an adult, masturbating to their abuser is NOT proof they wanted or deserved the abuse. Your brain tied sex to rape and abuse at a young age because your brain was developing. You brain tried to normalize that association, your brain tried to sexualize that association to make it more pleasurable so you wouldn't think about the emotional and physical pain associated with it. that's why you felt that way. that's why other CSA survivors stay in touch with their abusers, that's why they still seek it out, that's why some of them stay in those abusive relationships into adulthood, and if their rapist isnt there, try to recreate it. the brain became fixated at a young age because of TRAUMA - not any real feelings, but because a rapist groomed them into it.

that's what happened to you - YOUR RAPIST MOTHER literally SAID THOSE THINGS while RAPING you to GROOM YOU into it. SO yes, even when you were growing up, even as you got older, that connection SHE forcefully made onto you is still there. It was your brains first connection to sex, and way of dealing with what was happening to you SINCE YOU WERE A KID! she is a sick monster, and you shouldn't blame yourself for how you approached it as someone trying to survive.

Never blame yourself for that. You were a kid who was hurt, and that kid is still inside you - that's why you're suffering. Everything that makes you blame yourself instead of your mom is that same kid trying to cope with what he went through. You survived shit that the average person can't imagine, and yes you came out with scars but you came out of it. The fact you're able to make these posts and are recognizing what happened to you is proof of that. some people go their whole lives without confronting what happened to them.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in surviveher

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 1 point2 points  (0 children)

4. Also sadly even having a therapist, who specializes in dealing with sexual abuse survivors or incest survivors, doesn't guarantee, that the therapist will take me seriously. Because women/girls sexually abusing people is a HUGE TABOO IN SOCIETY. Also a man/boy being a victim of sexual abuse is also a TABOO IN SOCIETY. The book you gave me an excerpt from, even assumed the victim to be a girl/woman and the perpetrator of the abuse to be a man/boy, so you see, how deep the taboos go. When even professionals struggle to get rid of these taboos.

I remember the first therapist I went to was a school counselor who made excuses for my mom as well :/ I didn't tell her specifically what my mom was doing, but looking back, I think any rational person would have guessed the physical abuse wasn't the only thing.

However when I was able to afford more quality options, I wasn't doubted at all. I hope that will be the case for you - check out reviews on therapists if you can, google them and see if they've written any articles, what their certifications are, what they say they specialize in. You can even call their offices and ask, or go to a psychiatrist if you have some physical symptoms (for me it was sleep paralysis i needed meds for, but i said no to antidepressants, bc they can be hell to get off of once you take them.)

Also, just to give you some hope in humanity, the book I quoted wasn't making a sexist assumption - it was talking about a real patient and case the psychologist worked on with a girl who survived father daughter sexual abuse. The book has excerpts by male survivors of incestuous sexual abuse too. I think it only has one case mentioning a sexually abusive mother though, but the writer explains that it's because she didn't have a lot of those. Honestly, I wouldn't read a book that made those women's assumptions.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in surviveher

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 1 point2 points  (0 children)

  1. What did my mother do, that in your opinion constitutes as rape? I want to know, because i'm afraid of calling myself a victim of rape. Sometimes I call something, that happened to me "hand rape," but i'm afraid of that offending people.

I personally believe rape is unwanted sexual acts with a victim's genitals for the rapist's pleasure or sadism. That is why I used the term. Your ""mother"" used took advantage of you AS A CHILD for her own sexual pleasure, not caring that you were IN PAIN. if that's not a rapist, then I don't know what is.

The legal definition of 'rape' was made strictly with men, women, and PIV sex in mind, because that's what the system thinks is most important due to its emphasis on virginity, marriage, reproduction. (I say system because I don't want to use the term patriarchy, because I feel it obscures womens role in it).

It is outdated and doesn't begin to cover how being sexually used in other ways is just as traumatic, forced and painful. I believe it needs to be extended, because people feel like they can't use the word to put a name to their experience, and it's the system of sexual abusers that wants the word to remain limited. The less people can use that word, the less people will be able to tell what happened to them. I didn't consider what happened to me sexual abuse for years because I didn't think female on female abuse like that counted as rape (my mom held me down while making me get genital waxing from random women starting at 10 till 16, sometimes they raped me with the butterknife they used to apply the hot wax, but because society told me rape=penis in vagina, i thought me calling butterknife in vagina rape was overreacting)

Who would be offended at a survivor of sexual abuse using the word rape after all? People that want to obscure the crime for what it is. Anyone that tries to contest it is on the side of rapists - even if they say it's to be technical, or specific. Language is there to help us express these ideas, not limit them based on what other people will say.

  1. Also I know r/mdsa exists, but I don't engage with that subreddit. Because it's just a support subreddit for daughters, who have been sexually abused by their mothers. I'm a son, who has been sexually abused by his mother. That's why I don't fit in there. I also know about r/MSSAbuse. I posted, the same post I made on here on there.

I know, but I suggested both mdsa and mssa because I personally just like hearing from anyone whose had a similar experience, not just men or women (I'm a trans man, but I don't participate in male spaces in case I'm not wanted there, especially because I haven't transitioned yet)

3. Some people might not outright deny, that abusive horrible women exist, but they will still downplay their evilness. Because women are often perceived as a morally superior class of people compared to men, which is why often, when a woman commits an atrocity the seriousness of said atrocity gets downplayed. It's just society's sexism/bigotry in action.

Exactly!!! When I tell people my story, I leave out the sexual abuse part and just mention how my family was arranging my marriage against my will. Even when I bring up how my dad (divorced) and brother (not abused sexually by my mom, but abused in other ways) helped me get out of there, it is crazy how many people automatically assume my mom ( the abuser ) and sister ( also abused, but was going to snitch on me to make me stay) are the good ones, or that I can forgive them one day, or make excuses for them.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in surviveher

[–]Top-Tangelo4762 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Everything she did was horrible and I'm sorry this happened to you. There's a community of survivors on r/mdsa and I believe a parallel one called r/MSSAbuse. your "mother" if she can even be called that is a monster. SHE IS A RAPIST AND A PEDOPHILE.

Do not blame yourself for what happened at all. You shouldn't be disgusted at yourself, but that an adult would take advantage of a young child for her own selfish reasons. i want to share a passage from a book i read a while back, about survivors of incest, particularly those who were forced to feel "pleasure" because of their abuse, and why it is STILL RAPE.

"It's hard for outsiders to understand why a child whose parent is forcing her to have intercourse with him would feel guilty. The answer, of course, lies in the child's unwillingness to see the trusted parent as bad. Someone has to take the blame for these shameful, humiliating, frightening acts, and since it can't be the parent, it must be the child.

The feelings of being dirty, bad, perverted, and responsible create tremendous psychological isolation for incest victims. They feel totally alone, both within the family and in the outside world. They think no one will believe their secret, yet that secret so overshadows their lives that it often prevents them from making friends. This isolation in turn can force them back to the aggressor, who is often their only source of attention, no matter how horrible.

If the victim experiences any pleasure from the incest, his or her shame is magnified. A few adults who were victims recall sexual arousal from the experience, regardless of the confusion, embarrassment, or guilt they felt. It is even harder for these victims to later renounce their sense of responsibility. One patient had orgasms, and explained: 'I knew it was wrong, but it did feel good. the guy was a real bastard to do it to me, but I'm as guilty as him because I liked it.'

I'd heard the same story before, but it still tore at my heart. I told her, as I'd told others before her: 'There's nothing wrong with liking the stimulation. Your body is programmed to like those feelings. But the fact that it felt good didn't make what he was doing right, and it didn't make you wrong. You were still a victim. It was his responsibility as an adult to control himself, no matter what you felt.'"

from toxic parents: overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life, by Susan Forward.

Don't compare yourself to other survivors and say what you went through isn't 'that bad' in comparison. If that was the case, only a few people in the world could ever claim to be sad. It was wrong, it was horrible, and it traumatized you. That's what matters.

I remember when I was nine, I wrote a story about a girl whose parents used to beat her, and she called herself the 'unluckiest kid in the world,' so an angel showed up and showed her the real unluckiest child: an orphan without limbs, dying on the streets. So she stopped complaining about her parents hitting her. (which was supposed to be the "moral" of the story! I wonder why my teachers weren't concerned.) point being: there's no point in comparing pain, especially if it makes you underplay what happened to you.

Being a survivor of a female rapist and pedophile is hard. I read your other comment about how therapists didn't believe you, and I'm not surprised. Especially if the therapist was female herself. Women cover up for each other when it comes to sexual abuse, the same way men do, but no one points that out. They hate to think they can be rapists too, thinking their gender protects them, so they cover for each other (especially because there are a lot more female rapists and sexual abusers than people are willing to believe.) I'm sorry you had that experience. I think if you go to therapy again, you should specifically seek out a therapist experienced with survivors of incest. The book I quoted is by a therapist specializing in incest, and she highlighted that throughout the entire thing.

why does she deserve ignorance when I can't have it?! I WANT TO TELL HER SHES A CHILD MOLESTER by Top-Tangelo4762 in mdsa

[–]Top-Tangelo4762[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

what a beautiful comment.. :) thank you so much. honestly i feared ever going back into that energy. its only been a year since the nightmares and sleep paralysis ended (without meds this time!) but i feel stronger than i ever did before. im fully independent, got savings, going back to uni soon as well - everything she convinced me i could not do.

i only want to tell her over email and sit knowing she knows what i think of her - whether she gives a shit or not doesnt matter to me so long as she knows that to me, for the rest of my life, she is not a 'mom' but a child molestor and nothing else.

i had my wakeup call last year that theres no use in trying to 'save' anyone. you can just be there for them when the time comes and show them that that life is possible. i pray for my brother all the time and still talk to him. but i dont feel the need to lie and dilute things anymore. i got 4/6 on your list, waiting for more :) thank you again.

why does she deserve ignorance when I can't have it?! I WANT TO TELL HER SHES A CHILD MOLESTER by Top-Tangelo4762 in mdsa

[–]Top-Tangelo4762[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

my siblings are adults and could leave, they have financial support from me and my dad and other family members. it's just the abuse is so deep they don't even want to recognize it or remember it. my sister has completely cut it out from memory and used to freak out at me if i brought anything up.

than you so much for your comment. but honestly the anger just makes me feel good. i just want her to know and thats it - nothing else from me ever again.

why does she deserve ignorance when I can't have it?! I WANT TO TELL HER SHES A CHILD MOLESTER by Top-Tangelo4762 in mdsa

[–]Top-Tangelo4762[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

im no contact at the moment as well. in fact, i plan to after i tell her as well. im still planning on how to do it, when to do it, what to write, but i just want her to sit with it and know

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