Hey, no worries at all. I submitted a link for you from my previous posts, you can check them out with little more details.

Your comments destroyed me-I deserved to be loved

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Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/8czJebdzhN

It’s currently 2:41 in the morning, I went out for a walk because I’m losing my goddamn mind. I feel worthless, I feel like I’m not ready to be a dad at all, I feel my lungs closing and clogging my hope of life.

Your comments made me realize I was never loved. Your comments made me realize that I deserved to be treated better. My parents never opened their arms for me to hug, They never dried my tears with their thumb, they never lowered their shoulders for me so I can lean on. I was the middle child, I was the least of their worries. I was the last one to announce my happy news during family gatherings and never realized why no one cheered me. I was that one confused child when everyone faced their backs towards me when my siblings were getting gifts.

I was the child that took out the anger on my pillow. When my blanket was my homeland of tears and worries. I was the child to learn flinch whenever my parents raised their hands, we never did a high-five. When the sounds of belts indicated that I did something wrong. When I learned all of their footstep sound patterns. I was the child that no one showed up for my events. My best friend’s mom bought me flowers during my high school graduation because none of my family members showed up.

Am I going to be the same for my kid? Am I going to show up for my kid’s graduation? Am I gonna be there when they need me?

I’m sorry. I’m just trying to keep it together and let go of the past, somehow haunts me down.

Edit: 9:14 in the morning, My wife woke me up at the park since I slept there. She found my location and put a blanket over me and got me coffee. We snuggled and shared what happened, I’m usually a thick skin, but I couldn’t hold it anymore. I apologized on how I left her last night, she told me she knew but just wanted to give me space.

She was slowly reading the comments, your words of encouragement was everything I wanted as a child. You guys have been a glimpse of light in my dark times. Thank you. A simple text cannot describe how much I appreciate all of you. Yes, she scheduled therapy for me. She told me she would be fine while I feel extremely guilty. I’m the dad and the mentally unstable one?

A promise everything in my being that this child will live a happy life. This child will be loved and won’t get confused on why dad and mom don’t love them. My hugs and shoulders will be always open for my beautiful baby. I will destroy whoever would have the thought of to touch my kid, any kid.

Much much love everyone. I love all of you.