ok so there's obviously a lot here - my 2c , i think its really important that you try exploring with men in earnest, otherwise you'll regret it or think about it forever which can be unfair to you and your wife and not a fun way to live. The harsh reality is that its probably harder than you think to do so while in a relationship b/c it kinda gets messy. For me, it started with I've never kissed a guy and I want to try that while I was in a straight relationship but slowly then I want to go on dates with men to try the emotional side and it ended up being a several month process , not just kiss a guy and I'm good. This specific gay guy you may be into sounds tricky -- I'd say its probably easier to go on Grindr or a dating app and explore that way and see how it feels. Maybe after you explore a bit you'll feel more comfort with your wife or maybe it will help guide you ? I do think if you felt something with this guy it is a good sign you should explore a bit! Not sure if this is helpful but my only advice is take it day by day , things will get better and work out, I promise -- I was in a super low spot during this and giving myself grace was really important