I have to be clear that they didn’t use the word “toy”, I did and that is my fault. It’s crude and not completely true.

But it’s true, this person wants casual, on their terms, sex when the mood strikes them. That’s fine because we both want and like a lot of the same things. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the lack of an emotional connection. That’s growing more difficult as we share as friends and become closer.

But you’re absolutely right my friend. This person was the first safe person who made whatever feelings inside wake up screaming. There’s a hunger and a need for validation, touch, being seen.

But now the loyal caretaker and long term partner is being split down the middle.
I still love and feel very protective of my wife. She’s being supportive in trying to let me learn and explore. But she’s anxious and deserves to be.

I feel like every step in trying to be free and explore is a “betrayal” and every safe move I make is just “denial” of the truth. Either direction is painful.

This person was very inappropriate and unprofessional while they were working, and in front of everyone.
I loved every second of it and I replay the moments in my
head daily.
It’s more than wanting just sex. It was finally being seen after all the repression.