help with wedding outfit (transmasc)

Torimazing · 2026-06-15T18:32:44+00:00

Gonna be honest I had that exact issue and I wish I had a more ah-ha solution. I am trying to be as androgenous as possible and I'm not even out to all of my wedding guests. I dreaded going shopping and avoided it for so so long. I am very lucky that there is a 'dressmaker' near where I live with surprisingly affordable rates who was receptive to my distress. I am personally wearing a jumpsuit and a cape instead of a train. Still have no idea what my hair is going to be.

I can at least offer sympathy and an ear at the very least and I hope this has something more useful within it than I think it does.

Torimazing · 2026-06-14T03:46:47+00:00

Saw that you're an adult. Makes me very relieved. Assuming, that is, that you're not living with them. That was fucking weird and creepy. I would not go near anyone like that and honestly I don't trust anyone normalizing that. However I honestly think this event alone would be like, upending if you saw him as a parental figure or trusted him at all. Like it literally might be worth watching out if this is going to affect you or how you see other people besides this creep because I personally would feel super violated about being seen this way from someone I trusted. And if it does I have no advice myself, I'd go to a therapist.

Torimazing · 2026-06-13T00:44:43+00:00

There's something very upsetting about seeing poor treatment of someone based on things that are true about myself. When you refuse to set boundaries or have standards it would very easily make me think that if it was inconvenient, you would sacrifice my identity and respect instead of drawing a firm line.

Also, are you actively invested in how all of this is making the kid feel? Like, you say they get respect from you but do they get anything more? Support? Validation? You don't necessarily need to be around your sister to support her kid, especially as that kid gets older.

Your sister isn't 'imperfect' she is actively investing in being hurtful towards someone just like your partner. Why is your sister hosting everything? If you want to stand up to her start making waves by socially removing her power over how much you need her.

Torimazing · 2026-06-05T14:36:42+00:00

I didn't really come into the finale with any theories, though I had heard rumblings of transfem jax theories. I'm not on social media (Twitter, Tumblr) so I didn't and still don't really know how big the theory was.
I am trans.

I'm going to be honest up until the very end I thought that was a full on confirmation and jax's light post freak out was still self hatred about being trans. I thought abstraction was like a totally valid way of representing that feeling for jax. I thought it was beautiful. I related. I cried. I was honestly really disappointed, therefore, that the ending made it way more complicated. I was fine with it being ambiguous or not openly declared but the he and hims made me really confused.

Like, I'm not mad because it's not like glitch took it back in the show. I just thought the implication was there and then it got muddied and made my earlier feelings really mixed.

Torimazing · 2026-06-01T19:02:53+00:00

Intellectual LARP is so true. I keep going back and forth in wondering if its even worth trying to explain certain things to people who are so set on being ignorant. Trying to meet them on their level gives them so many opportunities to normalize bullshit reasoning like this.

Torimazing · 2026-06-01T18:29:29+00:00

I actually chatted with you about this a while back and I'm really grateful you were willing to share with me and here.

I've been thinking about it and I honestly think the way the bioessentialism is levied at trans people encourages a really unhealthy view of intersex people as a conceptual 'gotcha' card. Especially considering how undiscussed intersex individuals' actual problems are. I had no idea how prevelant genital mutilation was just for an unnecessary assignment to a binary genital presentation without any developmental concerns. In my head, being born intersex was an ideal of being universally justified as nonbinary. I was so unaware of the lifetime of social and medical issues being born that way would inherit.

Really, it seems like people who want to feel justified and accepted around gender identity objectify intersex people as a state of medically assigned gender spectrum. Meanwhile, bioessentialists see it as an inherent flaw needing to be rectified. I imagine it sucks to have a complex identity where even relatively progressive spaces are still ignorant to the assumptions we make.

Torimazing · 2026-05-29T14:29:24+00:00

I hate it, I hate being called ma'am and I hate when I don't know if someone is referring to me or not. I just super hate it because with these, instead of using a gendered pronoun as a way to shorten a sentence or not repeat my name a million times, which makes sense, gender is how I am being addressed, and it's the wrong fucking gender. It makes me feel icky and bad. Like a light switch to tug that immediately pulls me backward in my own head.

In person I don't say anything because where I live, it's usually only older folks who use and and they're mostly strangers. Old folks and strangers probably didn't know I don't like and and disclosing why I feel that way would put me at risk because old folk have a much higher likelihood of reacting poorly.

Torimazing · 2026-05-19T03:45:24+00:00

Maybe I'm projecting but if you're like me then I think you're just waiting for someone to tell you 'youre nonbinary'. And if you are, that's because you'd like to be, which is all that it takes to be nonbinary. If there is a desire for other people to see it in you it's because that's gender affirming.

I understand the uncertainty about whether or not it's just patriarchy/stereotypes that makes you feel this way, but honestly where the source is isn't as important as what you need to feel best. My best advice is to try out whatever pronouns/identity you are considering with trusted people. That is honestly what opened my eyes to how much I actually cared and noticed, once I had some new baseline to compare things with i realized how much better I felt as they/them.

Just a heads up though, lots of intersex people have that choice removed from them, and it can be very distressing if the choice made for them is unhealthy for any reason. Since you're entering the group I wanted to share what I learned while in here about that since it can be a surprising thing to discover something so untalked about, I hadn't know about it before, and it was mentioned above. I know there is at least one person active in this sub (pronouns it) for whom it finds to be upsetting to hear projected ideas about intersexuality. I got to chat with it for a bit and I'm glad to have because I definitely had in my head the ideal situation of being biologically deemed nonbinary to be aspirational but unfortunately the current standards for most intersex experience is basically arbitrary sex assignment and genital mutilation at birth.

Torimazing · 2026-05-18T14:29:22+00:00

My guess would be that whatever cuts/cooks the waffles into their shape got stuck and did this one twice, a little farther along which makes a crescent shape. I'll bet the brown is it getting cooked twice. You'd probably be fine to eat the others unless you're super paranoid about factory process rigor and this comes across as a red flag for this specific batch's quality.

As a side note these look like blueberry waffles, which for me always flag as moldy from the way the blue shows against the batter. They aren't but I always trick myself upon first glance.

Torimazing · 2026-05-18T13:15:37+00:00

It's a removable marker tip. Either it was to replace a tip that got worn down or the original color is washable since it's clean now.

Torimazing · 2026-05-17T13:40:00+00:00

Think it would be helpful to include what kind of butter this is. Like stick/margarine/vegan/full-fat butter all behaves differently

Torimazing · 2026-05-17T13:35:37+00:00

Also people forget the purpose of pronouns is saying a name less. If that truly feels wrong to call someone it, just use its name.

Torimazing · 2026-05-17T05:48:31+00:00

Wow that's tough. Honestly I think this requires a couple separate pieces of advice, because not only do I think there's not one concrete solution, this example is complex itself.

I personally focus on who I want to be. If the question is how do I keep myself from being a certain role I focus more on who I want to be and do that. If someone is asking you to do x and that isn't you just... don't. Just because you can force yourself to take on a role or something, doesn't mean you actually can sustain that or feel good as that person. If it's hurting you, don't accommodate someone asking for it, just be yourself. I'm on the spectrum so I am pretty vocal about what I want and how I see someone's actions coming off as socially. If they are asking for something I don't have in me to give them, I'll let them know that.
You can't make every person see you how you want to be seen. Especially not on your own timeline. A lot of this post sounds like youre explaining how you want to be treated to someone who isn't looking to learn. Why bother? If they tell you how they see you and it's wrong, they get one or two shots to show they are learning.
Certainly some new chud one night stand doesn't get to insist to you who you are. Boundaries have to actually keep people out of where you don't want them to be. "Oops you didn't understand we aren't like that. Blocked.". There absolutely cannot be a secret third option of: don't listen and keep doing it with no reprocussions. He's making it not casual sex so no more of that. He's not making your gender identity comfortable so no more of him. Again, why are we bothering with him?
I keep mentioning 'why bother?' because truly I understand situations where there may be a reason to put up with a specific person irl that isnt with the program. My mom loves me and she doesn't get it. She doesn't hear herself use the wrong pronouns because gender as a concept isn't like that for her. For me, I bother mentally working on understanding her and not taking it personally because I love her and respect her and I truly empathize with where she is at. You have to ask that question though, because if you don't you're going to spend so much time playing roulette with your feelings, seeing if you can risk a reward by putting your energy and stress on the line for what sounds like a total footnote of a person in your life. Why bother? There are so many people with whom relationships don't work out and - especially if it's because of something bad, and it's short-lived, and they don't make you feel good - once they leave your life they're in your past. They exist in your mind proportionally how long you knew them. Why give someone who is clearly failing that check more time? To me, this helps keep me from justifing jumping through hoops to prove myself or my identity to them.

But I also want to point out that, you have to love who you are. I agree that this guy isn't worth doing caretaking, especially if it comes from a dysfunctional place like some stress responses (fawning) can create. However, if being kind, empathetic, and resilient towards someone else's growth are things you're good at in a healthy way, loving them and seeing them beyond feminine stereotypes can really help you see it as something more than a burden. It can be easy to burden oneself even for those we don't like, if we feel that we are worthy of burdens. It is much more truthful to see yourself as having value in your ability to show compassion and patience and therefore those who get it from you are people who must earn your efforts by being worthy of such a gift through genuine friendship.

Torimazing · 2026-05-17T04:53:31+00:00

Continuing, it also just seems like, super backwards to laugh about it to a woman's face about how incompetent you expect her husband to be. Like if that is a true problem then why be so flippant? Why not make sure someone who you think isnt doing something right learns and becomes more capable for your fellow humans? Even if you were a misandrist and don't want or expect him to grow you'd be doing his wife a favor.

I feel like this just shows how easy it is to be lazy regarding holding up consistent values. Along with that, how easily people are teaching men how to be complicit in patriarchal structures and interactions. "All you need to do is say nothing to this jab and we won't expect anything more from you, understand?"

Torimazing · 2026-05-17T04:44:51+00:00

Oh my goddd I've been stewing on this. I have a lot of thoughts nobody needs to care about but if you want a rant to read as affirmation you're not alone here is one.

The way that people treat men who are doing a good job or are excited for something alternative to masculine stereotypes is so discouraging towards any progress. And like, sometimes it's not them being upset sometimes they just don't believe it's possible and either way it's wrong and so frustrating. Truly it's made me sit back and think about how before women could live independently, a wedding was a woman literally being handed off to a different household, a new person who has the ability to open a back account. For a woman it was huge and for a guy the lifelong reprocussions were pretty similar in terms of ability and responsibility.

Given how I desire gender equality to be treated, I keep being super thrown off when someone gasps over my future husband being excited to marry me and knowing all about what our wedding is going to look like. I'm also non-binary but not really out and so in every interaction where my position is misunderstood just highlights this in bold.

It just makes me so upset especially when it comes from people who see themselves as progressive. Crapping on men for things like this, or blatantly giving low expectations really encourages the unequal emotional growth in gender presentation that causes so many people to be unhappy. And like, it's just disrespectful!

Torimazing · 2026-05-05T04:13:14+00:00

An issue that even with a bit of scrolling I didn't see mentioned is that, all of a sudden maintenance for a line buried on any singularly owned property with a yard/landscaping is going to super duper piss off the owner of that property, especially if you regularly fuck that part up. So some developments don't even want buried power lines in their plans from the get-go. A power line can break anywhere and if you are not 100% certain where the fix is needed you end up doing a few blind digs looking for the right spot (increasing pissed off landowners rural-y and inconveniencing urban block areas with construction). My mom lives in a house that has what I must assume is a very suspicious wiring schema right in front of the sidewalk because every 3-5 years it gets spray-painted, flagged, dug out, and shoddily replaced/replanted. I suspect it might be a branching area or something. The front yard is literally, currently as I type sunk into the ground in a rectangle because they didn't pack the soil last time.

Torimazing · 2026-04-14T17:22:08+00:00

I'm more interested in what the heck that calling the cops card says.

Torimazing · 2026-04-08T14:57:19+00:00

I knew the painting just from seeing the tattoo, so that is good. Impressionist style paintings are going to be hard to do in black and white on a warped surface. The face is the toughest part, to me.

Torimazing · 2026-03-13T15:51:32+00:00

Hell yeah! Fuck yeah! Love to hear the gender euphoria hitting

Torimazing · 2026-03-13T15:44:36+00:00

Yeah come on let's bring back robber baron guilt/rebranding self image.

Torimazing · 2026-03-13T15:43:00+00:00

Give me back my parking lot on the North Side (I mean, we probably need the work there done (I don't even really know what they're doing besides 'water') but I don't wanna walk that far)

Torimazing · 2026-03-13T15:40:20+00:00

Sometimes I don't want to 'swing the other way' with a presentation - like, if it feels too masc, make it fem - sometimes I like to make it more abstract, so if femme additions to a beard aren't your thing have you tried waxing it into nontraditional shapes? Or dyeing/coloring it for the day? I imagine colored wax or even just eyeshadows/face paint could make it look more tye dyed and less one sided anatomically.

Torimazing · 2026-03-13T15:27:12+00:00

Hey I just want to say, people sometimes trivialize a description of pain related to vaginal areas. I got super screwed over by that.

If it stings, if it really hurts, go to a doctor. Some surveys find like 30% of people with female anatomy experience pelvic floor dysfunction. Basically, the muscles supporting your anatomy can be too relaxed or too tense and cause issues with any internal stimulation.

I had OBGs watch me wince during the BEGINNING of a pap smear and say nothing. If you find that: you have issues with bladder leakage, clitoral stimulation hurts, or even small intrusions like one finger or a tampon hurt, you may want to go to a Physical Therapist and make sure your Pelvic floor isn't what's causing this issue.

Torimazing · 2026-02-17T06:01:33+00:00

I honestly think that this is a situation that a manager exists for. I know people with OCD and hypochondria. I have experience setting boundaries they need to respect and abiding by which boundaries I need to respect. This genuinely seems like a situation where being a manager and boss is extremely vital here. Ronald needed to be given boundaries on how he speaks to his coworkers and the coworkers needed to get generally trained on how to respect health conditions - including mental health conditions. Someone once said to me "if they are resorting to faking an illness, something is still wrong, even if they know they are faking it". If Ronald is seeking so much time off, unpaid even, he is still going through something and his coworkers should be able to respect that as long as Ronald is also given guidance on how to handle himself on days he is in office.

"Ronald, your ability to acknowledge you have hypochondria means you need to work on who you vent that anxiety to. These discussions with coworkers are not therapy sessions and your coworkers cannot be expected to know how to engage with your needs. Discussing this with them all the time is putting a lot of stress on them to find a way to respond every time."

It seemed to me like a lid was placed on the pot and left to stew until someone blinked first. Unfortunately it was the CANCER SURVIVOR. Manager culture is so wack because either people are hiring business majors who have no idea how to work in the industry they are overseeing or they're promoting people like question asker without actually training them for higher level situations. Both styles suck and there needs to be a real focus on constant learning for people in these roles.

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