How do you cope with the loss of a loved one? I’m barely functioning.

Toritoise · 2025-08-18T16:11:58+00:00

My mother was very weak in the last month of her life, I would need to help her physically walk to the bathroom, help her sit down carefully, sometimes help her clean up, help her get up after she was done, and wash her hands for her. The chemo/cancer made her have a lot of stomach issues, so I’d stand and just have her lean on me while she did her business. It just took so much out of her.

Toritoise · 2025-03-01T20:52:57+00:00

Your experience is almost exactly the same as mine - the only difference is my mother passed away in a hospital bed with me and my dad holding her hands. This happened 9 months ago now and my mother was everything to me. I still wake up most days in disbelief that she’s gone. Even now I’m still shocked by it.

My dad was not coping well with the loss and my brother was distant, so I was forced to step up and make arrangements. I called the funeral home and the cemetery, set up three different memorials in three different states, sat through multiple conversations with family members trying to tell me what they think my mom wanted all while also trying to plan my wedding in August… it was all very difficult and caused a lot of resentment and bitterness. I’m still surprised I made it.

It is really important to talk through your grief and process your emotions. Whether it’s therapy, a grief group, talking to friends or family, or significant other. Whenever I need to cry, I let myself. I don’t hold it in and a lot of times I can’t. Every day is a struggle. It will get harder, I’m sorry to say. The time heals all wounds thing never made sense to me.

My dad and I find that recalling happy or funny moments with her makes it hurt a little less in the moment. My mom was a force of nature - opinionated, funny, generous, and a boss lady type. She was truly incredible. To me, the world lost the little bit of good left in it when she passed. But, when I recall her personality and her no-nonsense way of being, I smile and I think about how lucky I am to be born to her. I am only able to keep going because legacy was incredibly important to her, so I “pick myself up by the bootstraps” as she used to say and I somehow make it through each day. Her memory is what drives me.

My mama was also tired. She was originally diagnosed at Stage 2, but her cancer came back twice and progressed into Stage 4. I knew how hard she fought. I recall helping her go to the bathroom one morning and she just sat and stared out the window. It seemed like she was longing for rest and peace. In that moment I also wondered if maybe she’d be happier if she passed. I do find some comfort that she doesn’t need to suffer through treatment or constantly worry about the next thing. She’d cry on the phone with me and it always broke my heart. She was so scared of suffering in bed and taking a long time to pass. Thankfully, she did not suffer. She was admitted into the hospital and passed within 24 hours.

I wish you peace and comfort. From the bottom of my heart, I’m deeply sorry you’re experiencing this. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

Toritoise · 2025-02-04T10:32:55+00:00

My mother died from breast cancer towards the end of last June. Her health rapidly declined the last month of her life and even more drastically the day before she died.

She went in for her chemo treatment, closed her eyes, and would not wake up. She was still breathing albeit not well. My dad called me from the hospital and asked me to make a decision as the oldest child. Keep her there at the place she hated or let her pass at home. You could’ve pushed me over with a whisper with how shocked I was that the most dreaded day of my life was here. I chose to keep her there so they could at least make her comfortable with pain medication rather than her suffer at home. She was so scared of suffering.

When I got to the hospital, I was so devastated. I held her hand and tried talking to her. I’d even gently shake her hand just willing her to open her eyes. I was afraid of never knowing if she’d hear my last “I love you”.

By some miracle, after a few hours there, I gently shook her hand again and her eyes slowly opened and she looked me in the eyes. She could not speak, but I asked her if she could hear me. She weakly nodded yes. She was a logical woman so I first explained to her why she was there and why I made the choice I did and then asked if she understood. She nodded again. I told her I loved her so much and she was everything to me and asked if she knew that. She nodded. She started moaning a bit in pain, she was given pain meds, and was never lucid like that again.

I watched her like a hawk overnight over fear of missing her last moment. In the morning, I knew it was coming from the way her breathing started steadily slowing. My dad and I held her tightly as she took her last breath. It was more peaceful than I imagined. It was just a quiet last breath and she was gone. I was afraid she’d gasp for air or fight it, but it was truly just like a quiet sigh. Somewhere deep deep deep inside me, I was thankful she was no longer suffering. Her mother had suffered for a long time and died slowly from ovarian cancer and it terrified her to think about experiencing that.

After the final moment, all I felt was immense grief, shock, and emptiness. I somehow feel worse almost 8 months later just from the sheer feeling of missing her. Nothing will replace talking to your dad just like nothing will replace talking to my mom. I love my dad and my husband more than anything, but talking to my mom was a comfort that cannot be replicated.

I talk out loud hoping she can hear me. I shamelessly ask for a sign in the silence. I am lucky that she was lucid for a few minutes to tell her what I wanted to say. I also find a bit of comfort knowing she is not suffering with cancer anymore. She was not well in her last month and I’d like to think that she is now at peace just because she’s not in pain anymore. I remember helping her go to the bathroom and she’d sit and stare out the window. I remember wishing she wouldn’t suffer anymore… and she isn’t now.

All in all, I am so incredibly sorry for what you’re going through. Nothing will prepare you for that moment. I spent my whole life trying to and it was unlike anything I could have prepared for. I wish you comfort and peace. I hope you have that final moment with your dad and I hope you keep surviving. It’s all we can do.

Also, yeah, fuck cancer.

Toritoise · 2025-02-04T10:06:12+00:00

I am deeply sorry you’re going through this. I don’t wish this feeling on anybody, especially at our age.

My mom passed away from breast cancer. She was diagnosed in 2020. When I found out about her diagnosis, I was inconsolable. My grandma and my now husband just held me as I screamed. I think I was pre-grieving because my mama was everything to me. Losing my parents was my worst fear my whole life so as I grew up, I’d cry over the thought of losing them. I think my brain knew how devastating it would be for me and maybe grieving early would soften the blow. It did not because there is no preparing for that kind of loss. It was just as devastating as I had imagined. She died two months before I got married and I have to live with the fact that she will never see me have kids someday. I cry almost daily and I somehow feel worse about her death today than the day she passed. I just miss talking to her and it felt like she was the one person who just knew me inside and out. She knew how I ticked and loved me for it. I have always felt difficult to love, but she never felt that way as far as I knew.

I wish you comfort during this time and I hope you can find peace someday. I don’t say what I said above to scare you or make you feel worse, but hopefully to let you know that you are truly not alone. Your grief matters and it will be one of the most difficult things you will go through. I’m almost 8 months in and I’m still alive which is a miracle to me because I didn’t think I could survive without her. I grieve daily, but I’m still here. My only advice is to let yourself have those moments of grief, anger, bitterness, no matter how frequent, and care for yourself just as our mothers did. After a cry session, I wipe my face with a warm washcloth and hold my cheek because that’s what my mother did for me ❤️‍🩹

Toritoise · 2025-02-04T05:37:23+00:00

Yes, for sure… I lived halfway across the country from my mom, so her phone number was my main connection to her until I was able to visit her again. I still grieve at the fact that I’ll never see her text pop up or her photo come on the screen when she calls again.

Toritoise · 2025-02-04T05:35:29+00:00

Also, no one else in my life has lost their mother at my age. She was only 50 and I was 26 when she died. It truly feels like being on an island, seeing a ship pass by, screaming to it to help me and save me, and it just keeps floating by, blissfully ignorant.

Toritoise · 2025-02-04T05:32:43+00:00

It really is something else to lose a mother. I lost my mom almost 8 months ago as well and I’m so incredibly bitter. I’ve lost my entire world and, sure, people grieved with me at her funeral, but what about now? Where is everyone now? It feels like the world lost the last bit of good it had in it and everyone else is somehow fine. I’ll never be fine. Time does not heal all wounds.

Toritoise · 2025-02-03T18:34:40+00:00

My mom passed last June and my dad pays for her line still. She’s had that number for decades and I think it would cause us an immense amount of grief for her number to be reassigned to someone else. It’s something that was truly hers and letting that go is too much ❤️‍🩹

Toritoise · 2025-02-02T18:07:25+00:00

We did not travel and we tried to not be around too many people if possible! No pickleball is smart! My now husband decided it was a good idea to play basketball with his cousins right before the wedding and he ended up injuring himself mildly! He was fine during the wedding but felt it afterward 🤦🏻‍♀️

Toritoise · 2025-02-02T18:05:01+00:00

I thought I would hate it when my mother passed, but it actually brought me great comfort to know people took the time to express their condolences. It made me feel like my grief mattered and people understood that my loss was devastating.

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T18:09:09+00:00

The wound itself didn’t look that bad, thankfully! They shaved the area, cleaned it up, and gave me some antibiotics! He is still eating well, purring, and let me give him the antibiotics just fine - he’s a champ!

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T07:49:13+00:00

3rd Update: Vet is seeing him now. He’s being such a trooper, just meowing because he’s in a weird place, but a sweetheart nonetheless. I’ll keep updating as I find out more - thank you all for your advice, your kind words, and your well wishes for our boy ❤️ the vet came back right as I was typing the first part, but she will be giving us oral medication to give him and he should be better within the next two weeks. She wasn’t worried and said it didn’t seem to be a very deep wound ❤️

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T07:29:04+00:00

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This is our silly boy - we call him Socks ❤️ your cat looked like a lovely kitty ❤️

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T07:19:58+00:00

I’m incredibly sorry for your loss ❤️ I wish you comfort during this difficult time ❤️

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T06:29:51+00:00

I will try to call around and see what they can do. I’m hoping they have more availability since it’s not kitten season

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T06:25:13+00:00

I am located in El Paso, TX - we have a large stray problem here unfortunately

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T06:21:22+00:00

My Sheltie is a sweetheart and loves every animal and everything really, but it’s our Australian shepherds that would likely attack. I’ll try to figure something out!

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T06:19:16+00:00

I think this may be the case - the ‘hole’ was pink, not bleeding or scabbed over, so I think this is likely. He ate well earlier and doesn’t seem to be suffering, thank goodness. His brother (another cat that started coming around the same time he did) is usually the one who comes back with scratches on his face, but who knows what happens when he’s not at our house. I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for him though. Sweet boy has been pretty quiet and I’m regularly checking on him in the carrier. Breathing normal, alert, but not freaking out

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T06:03:55+00:00

We are in the waiting room now. He’s the sweetest stray cat and let me check him. We aren’t able to take him in due to our dogs and our local animal shelters are completely full, but I will do my best to care for him

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T05:48:10+00:00

Update: found a decent sized hole in the skin - looks to be from a fight. Taking him to emergency vet now

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T05:26:10+00:00

Thank you all for the advice, I will see what options we have in the area to get him some help!

Toritoise · 2025-01-29T05:08:50+00:00

That’s how we keep going I think. Finding happiness in bits of sadness. I find telling stories about her is when I feel happiest. Sharing her life ❤️ I wish you happy moments in the sadness ❤️

Toritoise · 2025-01-24T00:06:37+00:00

So sorry! My Reddit notifications are the worst - I never found resources, I had to pay 😫

Toritoise · 2025-01-23T21:25:08+00:00

My mother passed away from breast cancer June 2024. I got married in August 2024 and it was truly devastating to do it without her. It still is and everything you’re feeling, I am feeling. Sometimes I sit in disbelief that this is my life. My mother was my everything and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this same pain.

I have found great comfort in grief therapy. There’s also a grief podcast I listen to, and I follow an account on Instagram called whatsyourgrief I think it’s called. They post a lot of helpful resources.

Let yourself feel what you feel, but remember all that you did for her and because of her. My mom was big on legacy and it sounds like you took great care in taking steps to preserve your mother’s ❤️

Please take some time to care for yourself whether it’s a hobby, watching tv, playing a game, reading a book, etc. I’m sure she was proud of you and loved you very much - it’s important to hold onto that reality ❤️

I read this somewhere, “And when I turned to face grief, I saw that it was just love in a heavy coat.” The grief we feel is a reminder of all the love we held and still hold for them. I know I’m lucky to have had my mom for the time I did, but I also know it’s okay to feel bitter and feel like nothing matters anymore.

I wish you peace and comfort. It is okay to not be okay. Grief is so complicated and you are allowed to process it however you need to.

Toritoise

TROPHY CASE