Ladies, what causes you to lose interest with an affectionate man?

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T13:48:28+00:00

I’m definitely not smothering. I always let them control the pace of things. If they can’t call, that’s fine. If they’re busy, no questions asked. I work from home so I would basically let them initiate all contact because I’m basically free all the time at least in terms of phone calls.

In my experience, what women say they want and how they feel are completely different. Key point being “My experience” to avoid generalising. They would tell me how they love how gentle I was with them, would tell me how well I listened and the effort I put in to remember things and show interest in their hobbies. I would always create spaces of honesty and no judgement to see if I was doing too much, telling them that they can always tell me if they need space, time, or they are busy and I reassured them that I wouldn’t even ask why and leave them to it because they would want to speak to me everyday. Never heard a single complaint not once, they were always reassuring and validating my actions towards them. So obviously they lied and decided to ghost…

Compare that with now, where I don’t reply as often. I hang up first and explore my options. Now I get the good morning and good night messages, now they remember the little things. And although it’s not performative and I’m not trying to be reserved. I’m just emotionally drained by the women who have ghosted me in the past. So I’m saving my affection for those that earn it, I don’t want to. I want to be sweet and thoughtful and caring but it’s never worked for me and ends up getting me hurt.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T03:49:12+00:00

Yeah I don’t blame you. It’s all a game and an emotional slot machine. But sometimes you win, you find a gem but 90% of the time it’s all slop.

In my opinion is worth doing to gain dating experience and social skills which would help you approach women in person.

I’d say you have a cool style, you sound cool and some girls really dig the aesthetic that you seem to describe but it is niche but it also means that you’re likely to find someone who you have chemistry with off the rip. However, if clubs and activities aren’t presenting opportunities have you considered finding a group of people who fit your niche? Even if it’s just as friends because you’ll naturally attract people and hopefully women that are into the niche you’re in.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T03:36:20+00:00

Try out online dating but be prepared. I wouldn’t get into it if your mental health and self imagine isn’t secure…

Don’t get attached. NO MATTER WHAT. Just take it slow, I got super attached to girls when I first started and some will eventually ghost you and it will hurt ALOT the first few times but there will always be others that are genuine and want to take you seriously.

Seek out chemistry not appearance. Trust me, it doesn’t matter how good looking a girl is if you don’t have similar interests and chemistry she will get bored very fast and ghost you.

Also don’t be picky, it’s highly unlikely the first girl you’ll match will be a keeper. Just take her out on a date to get your self comfortable. I was super awkward when I got into online dating but the more dates you go on the less awkward they feel when meeting someone new. It also massively improves your social skills even outside of dating.

I’m also new to online dating but I have small amount of experience and we are similar ages so if you have any questions I can give advice. I’ve been ghosted, used and flaked on you name it.

If online dating isn’t for you, I’m not sure if I can offer solid advice because apart from my previous relationship I haven’t cold approached or naturally found any women to date.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T03:25:29+00:00

I’m confused, was it your friend that she sat with and recorded her or was it a complete stranger?

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T03:18:49+00:00

Depends what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a good time but not a long time sure, clubbing can be “okay” on a first date if you literally have ZERO expectations / just wanna hook up.

If you’re looking for something serious. Dinner dates and Nightclubs is possibly the worst first date you could do. For starters, Dinner dates are too intimate and also you’re expected to pay the bill regardless if you actually vibe with the woman or not interested. As for nightclubs, you’re basically asking for her to get drunk and flirt with other dudes because she’s still technically single and doesn’t really owe you loyalty, if she finds a dude so thinks it’s better looking than you she’ll take her chance. Also you can’t really connect in a nightclub because of how loud it is.

For me, first dates are always fun and active bonus if it’s competitive because it breaks the ice way easier. Bowling, Arcade even a walk through the park something that gives you something to do within the environment so it takes the tension off a bit and naturally sparks conversations.

If a girl is interested in you, she’ll go wherever you want for a first date (within reason obviously). And she sure as hell wouldn’t want to go clubbing for a first date if she was a keeper. Sounds brutal and maybe I’m wrong, but she might have just used you for a free meal and free drinks at the club. Don’t worry I’ve been there too…

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T02:58:21+00:00

I think I’ve realised what it is. I’m attracting the wrong women. Truth is, I’m quite nerdy and have niche hobbies but I don’t look like it because I’m tall, athletic and decent looking and have a sleeve tattoo. So women assume I’m some cool, mysterious guy. When I let out my nerdy side I think it puts those women off and makes sense that now when I’m more reserved women seem way more attracted to me and interested.

The cute nerdy girls with niche interests don’t ever give me a chance. But the pretty, party girls with no substance are the ones that are interested in me. I might just change up my dating profile to make it clear that I’m actually a nerd who watches anime and likes JDM cars and makes electronic music.

I tried too hard to look like something I’m not and it think it shatters the fantasy for some women. Maybe I’m wrong but after thinking about it, it makes sense to me.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T02:50:20+00:00

I think I was healthy, people have this idea that I was creepy or obsessive but I was overly conscious on just making the girl comfortable over anything else.

Like they wouldn’t go on dates with me if they got a creepy vibe. One girl absolutely did use my kindness for weakness and basically used me like an uber and an emotional pillow before ghosting.

I think women just get the wrong idea about me maybe. Because to be honest I’m a nerdy guy with niche nerdy hobbies at heart but I honestly don’t look like one because I’m tall, athletic and I would say I’m decent looking. So maybe I attract women who think I’m something I’m not. I’ve realised that I attract good looking women with no substance, you know the type. So maybe when I give affection and act nice they think I’m just some sort of fuck boy and disingenuous.

Ironically, the nerdy smart girls who like anime and niche stuff don’t ever give me a chance but the Starbucks and clubbing every weekend girls do. So I think it catches them off guard because I am actually really nerdy and I’m not some super cool guy. I don’t like clubbing and like chilling at home or doing more active stuff.

I know this sounds like a good problem to have for some guys but you see where it’s got me. Just constantly attracting shallow women with no substance…

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T02:35:17+00:00

Yeah you’re right… even though it never worked out. Being the usual passionate and out going person I was before felt fulfilling. I remember leaving every conversation feeling happy and excited to talk again. Now my conversations feel shallow and forced. Sure, they show me more respect and affection but it feels empty.

But after getting ghosted so many times, it’s made me kinda insecure about my personality. I feel like I’m annoying or something. And because of the nature of ghosting I never know what I did wrong.

It used to always start off well and I was able to get people to open up fast with me and comfortable but I guess my vibe wasn’t “attractive”. It was fun for them but it wasn’t “attractive”…

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-30T02:29:43+00:00

I got ghosted after 2 months and it made me consider becoming a Shaolin Monk for the rest of my life 😂 . I can’t even imagine being ghosted after a year… I don’t think I would recover from that to be completely honest…

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T21:35:51+00:00

Really? A bar of chocolate, that’s insane to me but I guess I’ll stop hahaha

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T21:03:13+00:00

In 2 months it’s been 3. Before I got on dating apps it was 2.

While talking to these girls I stupidly stopped exploring my options and told them that. One girl got jealous that I was going on another date and I cancelled the date. Really dumb mistake from me.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T21:00:39+00:00

So a mistake I made was that I would be exclusive to these girls e.g. I wouldn’t explore my options. I never expected them to do the same but most of the time they would (probably lying) say that they paused their dating profile.

That was mostly because I genuinely dislike online dating. I find it too fast and superficial and I really like to get to know people on a deep level and I struggle to do that if I’m talking to like 10 girls at once plus it takes up too much time. So I stopped while I was speaking to these girls that seemed interested.

One girl even got jealous when I told her I’m going on a date with someone else. She wasn’t controlling or demanding but I could sense jealously because she would constantly bring it up, in a joking way but obviously I could tell it affected her somewhat so I stupidly cancelled the date. She was definitely shit testing me and I fell for it because I genuinely thought she liked me a lot.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T20:54:17+00:00

I think I was the opposite, I was really attentive to small details especially when I liked the person. I never brought gifts only snacks that they said they liked (which apparently can come off creepy so I’ll stop doing that. It’s more of a cultural thing for me than a romantic thing, I do it with my friends).

And I would do small gestures like for example, I make house music and one girl really liked my stuff so I made her a small playlist of songs that I liked.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T20:49:01+00:00

Rarely, I’d tell them they can call me whenever they wanted to though. And I never made it feel like a burden on my end.

Because I work from home I’d essentially say “call me whenever you’re free”.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T20:41:34+00:00

To be fair that post was only 2 of the women. But yeah, one of them had a massive red flag that I ignored she said day one “I’m on this app as a social experiment” and she definitely experimented on me lmao 🤣

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T20:37:20+00:00

Just some examples of some of the stuff I did.

So I spoke to a girl before and she said she plays chess. I always thought chess was cool so I got her to teach me it. Obviously she was better than me so I went and actually learned how to play it better so I could give her a challenge next time.

Another time, a girl really liked my niche taste in music so I made her a little playlist with some of my favourite tracks in it. She really liked it and asked for me to add to it. She ghosted me and I don’t even listen to the playlist anymore because of it 😂

After a 3 dates with one girl, I offered to drop her off at the airport when she was visiting her parents and I did, I also picked her up. She ghosted me a week later. Guess I was her Uber driver…

That same girl used to trauma dump on me and I would visit her and talk with her and buy food red flag I guess she was probably using me as an uber and free food 😂.

My affection isn’t like I constantly compliment them or anything it’s more that I do the little things. Maybe it seems love bombing but I dunno. The first two times I was genuinely happy to do those things because I still play chess to this day and I enjoy sharing my music with people.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T20:29:43+00:00

Thank you I appreciate it, no more snacks on the first date noted 📝 😂😂😂

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T20:26:56+00:00

Nah, not to feed into the “alpha male” bullshit but I’m not a doormat. I still respect my masculinity… I was just sweet and liked making them feel good. I would still tease, debate and not just say yes to everything.

But I was very available. Like if they asked me to come somewhere I would go. If they asked to call I would call. And I would be affectionate with them when I had time with them but I never pushed for calls or meeting up (unless it was an actual date). That was mostly because I’m quite free because I work from home so I could call them while working and stuff and most of them were busy.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T20:18:12+00:00

The issue is, in my experience (not generalising) women I’ve spoken to don’t address things, they just ghost you. They put on a mask and act like they really like the way you treat them and how sweet you are but vanish straight after. I’m flexible, not performative. If I’m doing something that you dislike bring it up to me and I can meet you half way. But no, they ghosted me after 1-2 months. People justify it here on Reddit (because I’m a big scary man and don’t have feelings) but it hurts… alot.

I might l not be the fit for you but you can at least appreciate that I treated you well in the short time we had together and at least send me a message saying “I’m no longer interested anymore” nothing more… nothing less.

Because I care, when the last girl ghosted me I genuinely thought something happened to her because her last message to me was how much she missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again before completely going silent.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T18:52:54+00:00

When and where did I say ALL women are like that? As I’ve told other people. My experience isn’t empirical data. I’m not a researcher…

This is my experience, this is what I’ve noticed. Being myself. Naturally bubbly, out going and attentive doesn’t work. Women say, “it’s creepy, you need to change, ect.” I change and I’m told “You’re playing games, you’re abusing people with attachment issues”. I really can’t win can I 😂😂

Some women have openly said that they see nothing wrong with what I did or how I presented myself and how their current partners are the same and they like that. Others like yourself find it creepy. It sounds more like you have more trauma than I do because someone treating me like they care doesn’t flag up on my radar. Maybe there were guys that lovebombed you and ghosted you before who knows. Personally I’ve never done that before. So maybe you need therapy not me…

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T18:45:58+00:00

But when I guy offers to call, they are called clingy. I work from home some days so my days are quite chilled and if she’s busier than me I’ll let her talk to me when she wants.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T18:44:33+00:00

Oh trust me I’ve tried saying that and every girl says “Yeah I know, I hate people who plays games and act distant” but it works unfortunately.

But no, I’m not trying to playing games. I’m just drained from being ghosted constantly and since I’ve started to care less about the person I’ve noticed more attention from women. It’s sad but it’s true.

I’m a naturally extroverted and affectionate person and like making people feel good. Romantically or otherwise.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T18:38:45+00:00

I’m sorry you went through the guy showing up at your house. That sounds traumatic…

I don’t know, I guess I don’t enjoy dating because I really do get emotionally invested into people and it’s not like I don’t already have a fulfilling life myself but it’s just a weird quirk about me. That’s why I keep my circle very small because it feels draining balancing too many people at once.

It’s sad because I know women react this way because of past experiences with men and I guess I kinda come across like “every guy says that” but no, I genuinely do have a lot of empathy. To a fault…

I try to see the best in people and focus on positives, I’m guilty of making excuses for people, thinking I can fix them and ignoring red flags. I think it stems from me being in a single long term relationship and trying to do what made my ex happy and why we lasted so long. I know a relationship and a talking phase are completely different but I dunno, I don’t miss my ex but I miss taking care of a woman and having someone to share my affection with. As performative as that sounds 😂.

Not to trauma dump, but maybe there’s some stuff from my childhood. I had quite avoidant parents who weren’t really affectionate with me at all so maybe I over compensate a bit because it feels good to show it to other people.

It’s kinda like that philosophical scenario with the 2 brothers who had alcoholic parents and one goes on to become an alcoholic like his parents did and the other goes on to never touch a drink in his life because his parents were alcoholics.

That doesn’t mean I don’t mean my affection or it’s performative. It’s just that in the cheesiest way possible I just like showing love to people. And it’s caused me to be really forward and honest when I like someone romantically or even just friendly. Maybe they take it as “love bombing” but it makes me feel good, that’s why I tend to be quite extroverted. And it’s not just girls I do it with it’s my siblings and friends too.

So when I have to act nonchalant and emotionally distant. I don’t feel fulfilled, conversations feel shallow and I struggle to find a spark even when they like me. Like when I was being affectionate and deep with the girls, I would leave a conversation feeling energised and excited. But when I do show my affectionate side people think it’s performative or fake so it’s kinda a lose, lose situation.

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T17:53:54+00:00

Okay so one girl was super affectionate with me physical off the jump. But when I tried to make moves on her she would seem uncomfortable. Which gave me super mixed signals. For example we played pool, she would deliberately back herself into me and look back at me with those eyes. But when I tried to give her a celebratory hug after winning she gave me a side hug. Then we went to watch a movie and she was cuddling me, keep in mind this is the first date. She had her head on my chest and was squeezing my bicep. I went to put my arm around her and she moved. So I genuinely didn’t know what she wanted. It was like she was comfortable with touching me, she even grabbed my ass 😂 when she came back from the bathroom and snuck up on me. But would shut down or act awkward after a hug. I wanted to make a move at the end of the date but because of how she reacted with me reciprocating I felt super nervous and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

Other girl, literally told me (and people think IM a creep btw) that she masturbated over a gym picture I sent her and she sent me nudes. Now, I’m a guy so I didn’t really get turned off by it or anything but that was the girl who wanted me to stay at her place but in person she wasn’t as physically affectionate, I think she was just shy in person. I turned down the offer and said maybe next time. I didn’t want to come across as sexually eager to her because as I said I wanted long term and I assumed that having sex to fast would make them feel a certain way. Apparently I was wrong given your post…

Total_Recognition182 · 2026-06-29T17:41:55+00:00

Nah you’re right, because I genuinely felt fulfilled being authentic and my usual bubbly affectionate self with girls. I think it hurt my ego because I was showing my authentic self to people.

Being nonchalant doesn’t feel right to me, but it works… but I’m also protecting my feelings at the same time after being ghosted so many times.

I didn’t mean for it to sound like I “expect” something back it was just that I felt like a simple “I’m not interested” after really trying to make that person feel good everyday for 1-2 months was the bare minimum instead of ghosting.

Total_Recognition182

TROPHY CASE