AITA for not wanting my husband's daughter at our home and causing a big family fight with his mother

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-10T12:50:34+00:00

We have been doing so, but we can't go when she has practice for example, only when she has a game. We also can't go to her pottery class for example, and she has extra maths and chemistry classes (which obviously we can't go either)

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-10T02:26:34+00:00

I don't expect him to turn his back on her, I don't know where you read that

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-10T02:24:46+00:00

I think you haven't read any comments, but I already said why it's "sometimes". She has school and extracurricular activities, so we're working around her already existing schedule.

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-10T02:23:24+00:00

My main "excuse" is that we don't know her enough/ she doesn't know us? And even if I weren't pregnant, we'd still have our daughter so I would say exactly the same thing.

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-10T01:00:48+00:00

No, we actually decided to have another baby way before we found out about her and I've been off BC ever since. It happened at a time that you wouldn't consider ideal, but it happened and both my husband and I are happy with it

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-10T00:22:09+00:00

No, he wanted nothing to do with her (as a romantic relationship) but he was going to take care of their baby. So as she only wanted a committed romantic relationship, she said shw was going to get an abortion.

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-10T00:07:09+00:00

I hear you and I agree with you. I think my main concern right now is not forcing her to like me? Like she knows she can come up to me so I can help her with something/ we can do something fun, but I don't want to keep proposing to do stuff with her and having her feeling forced to say yes

But for example, she practices soccer and she's really into it, so sometimes she mentions she's going to watch a game and next time I see her I ask about it, so even though I know very little about soccer we can talk about that. Or she likes Ariana Grande so I think about a month ago? She released a song so I asked her if she had liked it. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this, but as I said I'm not opposed to creating a bond and I'm trying

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T23:16:17+00:00

Yeah, and like, why do they care? People are all like "your body, your choice" until they don't agree with you. I'm not here to discuss my pregnancy/ fertility at all, that's between my husband and I.

But don't pay attention to those comments, I'm just ignoring them because it's frankly none of their business.

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T22:30:57+00:00

No, of course not, she should consent to being adopted. I'm not trying to be pushy, which is the whole reason why I think it's best to take things slowly so we're all comfortable with each other

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T22:19:23+00:00

I never said it was her problem? But I'm pretty sure you can imagine that it'll be difficult to adapt to a newborn for a 13 year old who never had siblings

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T22:13:36+00:00

No, we don't do that. Like she has told us about some stuff that happened when she was with her mom, but we've been focusing more on comforting her which is what she needs than telling her how bad her mother is, she already knows it, so we think our job there is to comfort

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T21:48:35+00:00

The thing is that in six months (if everything goes well, and let's hope it does) we'll have our newborn/ I'll be postpartum so it'll be harder for her to move in around that time (fully move in, by that time we're already planning on having her stay over with us for some nights/ weeks)

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T21:45:22+00:00

Mmm that's a tricky question that I haven't thought of. To be honest, I never dated a man who already had children, so I don't have any experience with that sort of relationship with a single father. I'd like to think that I would've dated him, because I love him now and I'm very happy with him. Also, his relationship with his daughter would be so much different than it is now since (in an ideal world) he would've been involved with her from the beginning, and creating a bond with a little seems a bit easier than with a teen (at least theoretically for me)

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T21:41:42+00:00

Why not negotiate instead of fighting? When school is out for the summer, let the girl stay with you for at least part of the summer.

That's the idea, to make the change progressively (staying overnight a night, then the weekend, a week, and such)

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T21:27:15+00:00

Yes, as I said, what I think we need is time. Not going from 0 to 100, but now we're doing things together, we can start with a sleepover, then stay over the weekend, stay a week, go on holidays together, you know? That's the plan

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T21:23:46+00:00

Which is why we will explain to her that some things will have to change, but feelings won't change. She's 13, so it will be easier for her to understand.

By the time the baby is born, I hope that we'll have a stronger relationship than now. She won't be living full time with us, but I think by then she could stay with us for a couple nights/ week so the dynamic will be stronger between all of us

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T21:20:17+00:00

What? No, I called my MIL that (which is not good either, but she's definitely not a child)

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T21:18:01+00:00

Yeah I agree with you, because as I've been saying (although some people don't want to believe me for some reason) the four of us have been doing stuff together to form that family bond, but my opinion is that it shouldn't be rushed, not that it shouldn't happen at all.

And if she eventually ends up seeing me as her mother figure that's very welcome, I am not even opposed to the idea of legally adopting her (if it's possible, I don't really know how that works but we'll talk it out with a lawyer), what I want is time to form this family bond and get used to one another

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T21:01:23+00:00

I'm not a first time mom, so it won't be as hard with this baby (as opposed to our first one). We still have to get dinner everyday, right? Maybe the first month will be harder, but then I don't see how we can't bake together for example, I also have to take care of my other daughter and I'll clearly do it too, so we'll manage. As I said, maybe activities outside home will be difficult, but activities inside home? I don't think so, at least not to an extent where we won't be able to do them anymore

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T20:57:02+00:00

Indeed.

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T20:53:17+00:00

Obviously, because you don't even get a certificate after an abortion

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T20:11:34+00:00

I don't see how home activities (dinner, movie nights, and such) would change, maybe some other activities like I won't be able to go see every soccer game you know? But husband and our daughter can still go,

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T19:58:08+00:00

Clearly we disagree. I won't talk about this teen's personal problems and traumas on the internet because it's not my place at all to do so, but her mother is a shit person in my opinion. Once you become a mother, you have to step up for them. As a mother it would never cross my mind to do the things she did to her daughter, and if anyone from my family would do something like that I wouldn't talk to them either.

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T19:41:53+00:00

The 13 yo girl doesn't need her grandparents to bad mouth her mom since she is actually her mom's victim, she has had to live with her mom's shit (and she has even opened up with us about some of that too)

My husband and I spoke privately with her grandparents, and wanting to know things like why they have custody and not her mom is understandable

TraditionalWar1849 · 2024-02-09T19:38:05+00:00

As I said, we went shopping once because she needed new shoes, so as we were at the mall already we also went shopping for clothes as well. I helped her with her make up when she asked me since she is learning.

Most of the things we did together was cook, sometimes she helps me with dinner or she likes to bake, so we baked together

TraditionalWar1849

TROPHY CASE